10:37:04 AM Cliff: So you diggin the MW2 action?

11:30:47 AM weaselbringer: it’s pretty fricking rad

11:30:58 AM weaselbringer: doubt I’ll play it multiplayer

11:31:09 AM weaselbringer: but i’ll probably do the SP campaign twice

11:47:22 AM Cliff: Yeah, I’m hooked. The whole attack on america thing is pretty wild. Not that I’m proud that one of the fights in america revolves around a fast food chain mall.

11:47:35 AM weaselbringer: lol

11:47:37 AM weaselbringer: yeah

11:47:42 AM weaselbringer: defend the burger town is pretty silly

11:47:49 AM weaselbringer: but I’m glad there’s a taco bell or whatever,

11:48:23 AM Cliff: Well its funny, you think about all the other game they’ve done and you fight for farms and churches and historic areas. Then they do one game in america and your defending the burger barn and taco hut.

11:48:46 AM Cliff: “God damnit general, save the burger barn and get me a double quarter pounder while your there!”

11:48:48 AM weaselbringer: well I’m assuming we’re defending “freedom” and not the burger hut

11:49:02 AM Cliff: Freedom Fries

11:49:22 AM weaselbringer: we’re defending our right to have people stupid enough to call french fries… that

11:49:42 AM Cliff: God bless america

11:56:21 AM weaselbringer: I believe the burger hut was bombed anyway

11:56:44 AM weaselbringer: diner also thrashed, pisstown USA will have to bebuilt

11:57:05 AM weaselbringer: Hundreds of dollars in government funding will be required before it can regain it’s former beauty

11:57:11 AM weaselbringer: HUNDREDS

11:57:33 AM Cliff: Wheres a crying eagle when you need one.

11:58:00 AM weaselbringer: or a cybernetic bald eagle riding a plymouth into uncle sams vampire mouth

11:58:04 AM weaselbringer: no wait that’s just a tattoo I wanted

11:58:56 AM Cliff: I can see it, I dig it… no wait let me get the acid then everything will make sense

12:02:36 PM weaselbringer: then it looks like a pile of lumber, acid test pre-completed buddy

12:02:47 PM weaselbringer: what about that controversial airport scene?

12:02:58 PM Cliff: Did you play that yet?

12:03:02 PM Cliff: Its the third mission

12:03:16 PM weaselbringer: Here’s a massive machine gun and for some reason we need you to “PRETEND” by killing and gunning down OODLES of innocents

12:03:38 PM weaselbringer: this is to ‘get in good’ with the terrorist, who is STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE YOU ARE HOLDING A MACHINE GUN

12:04:18 PM weaselbringer: you could burst all 5 of those jackasses and not a single civilian life lost, or you could HELP them gun down thousands, get shot in the face and start a war…

12:04:19 PM weaselbringer: hmm

12:04:40 PM weaselbringer: maybe America’s policy of ‘kill as many innocents as it takes’ isn’t as well thought out as we thought

12:04:48 PM Cliff: hah

12:05:32 PM Cliff: Well heres my take on it, they wanted you to get in close with him to figure out what was next. Maybe they thought he had a nuke or something big that could kill loads more, who knows, I’m honestly not sure if they even bring it up.

12:05:46 PM Cliff: Anyways, they send you in the get in good with him and play buddy buddy

12:05:48 PM weaselbringer: Not explained at all

12:06:18 PM weaselbringer: and I’m pretty sure he can’t use a nuke with 30 rounds in his back… which is exposed to you, the whole time, that you are… killing innocent people, to gain his favor, which doesn’t work

12:06:33 PM Cliff: What bugs me is all that “If you are compromised we destroy all evidence of your existence” that ALL other CIA movies do… I mean shit its the first thing I thought of.

12:07:03 PM Cliff: My assumption was it was a no other alternative situation

12:07:06 PM weaselbringer: isn’t the point of counter terrorism to avoid gigantic bloodbaths like… I dunno, a massive airport execution?

12:07:14 PM Cliff: Like he had the capabilities and cells that would do it for him if he died

12:07:55 PM weaselbringer: still knowing there was some guy in france with sweaty palms holding the controller for a nuke would go a long way to soothing my concerns, instead it’s “Be his friend, kill thousands… it’s WORTH it”

12:08:31 PM Cliff: *little devil on his shoulder*

This is a good idea, nothing could go wrong.

12:08:55 PM weaselbringer: little angel – Yeah, machine guns, yeah! (in a beavis voice)

12:09:01 PM Cliff: hah

12:09:41 PM weaselbringer: I have to say the game is made worth it by gangsta shooting faceless enemies while snowmobiling at roughly 200 miles per hour

12:09:46 PM Cliff: Maybe one of the writers at activision had a really bad experience at a german airport and was like “Ya know what, fuck these people” and the story goes from there.

12:09:56 PM weaselbringer: You ever been to german airport?

12:09:58 PM Cliff: lol

12:10:00 PM Cliff: no

12:10:01 PM weaselbringer: it’s like that ALL the time

12:10:09 PM weaselbringer: thousands dead daily

12:10:30 PM weaselbringer: I don’t think a plane has ever successfully landed or taken off from a german airport

12:10:36 PM weaselbringer: due to all the shootings

12:10:42 PM Cliff: I’ll have to make note of this

12:10:46 PM Cliff: Avoid Germany

12:11:01 PM weaselbringer: yeah if you’re layover is in hamburg or something like that, wear flak, go in packing and leave on a fucking snowmobile

12:11:21 PM weaselbringer: that will be the only way you’re getting to euro-disney

12:11:58 PM Cliff: Now I have the image of Mickey in the airport gunning down thousands of civilians.

12:12:17 PM weaselbringer: with his creepy laugh, now THAT would be Epic Mickey

12:12:49 PM weaselbringer: Goofy throws a flashbang and says “Garsh” before slitting the throat of yet another airport security guard

12:13:16 PM Cliff: Donald suicide bombs a concession stand

12:15:07 PM weaselbringer: which accomplishes…

12:15:20 PM weaselbringer: No it doesn’t matter

12:15:26 PM weaselbringer: I think it’s awesome

12:15:37 PM weaselbringer: I’m also going to blog this… watch me

12:16:21 PM Cliff: I can’t wait for the FBI to call me.

12:19:39 PM weaselbringer: and crotchmail.com ‘ed

12:20:08 PM Cliff: I’ve always waited for this day… my life is complete

There is a man standing at a desk, with his hands pushed flat and hard against the mahogany wood. His gaze is steely and his lips are drawn into a tight line.

“Allright guys, here’s the plot to Duke Nukem Forever”

“Finally!” The coder from 3dRealms thinks to himself.

They’ve been preparing and tweaking and updating for years and years but no one up until this point, had painted the full picture. Finally here it was, from the mouth of the big man himself.

“Okay, we’ve all waited a long time for this, but I had to wait until the technology was right, it goes down like this…”

Every eye was glued to him, every ear strained to hear every detail of his vision.

Demented Forever“Duke nukem walks onto a black background and lights a cigar, and then he puts the cigar out on a kids face, oh, there’s a kid there too, but he’s just there to get burned. Anyway. He kicks the kid out of the screen and pulls down his pants, then there’s a huge glow coming from his crotch. The camera zooms in and its revealed that the entire game takes place inside his balls. Then the world comes into focus and he’s fighting inside a giant vagina and his gun is so huge that it literally takes up three quarters of the screen. Every time he fires the gun a naked woman flies out and slams into his enemies at supersonic speed. Every single enemy will be different, each one will be nude spread-eagled flying-angel version of a playboy playmate from the last 30 years, in perfect photo-realistic detail.

After he fights through the vagina level, his gun overheats and he is forced to use his fists. The next round of enemies are womens liberation protesters outside an abortion clinic he punches and beats his way through the crowd and every single blow landed sends up a massive volcano of blood and each corpse will be littered with photo-realistic bruises copied from real domestic abuse videos. As he nears the abortion clinic he finds his next weapon. It’s a combination chainsaw, dildo, flamethrower, baby launcher. And he proceeds to shoot flaming babies through the acres of screaming women’s libbers. Then he kicks in the door to the abortion clinic and its actually an abortion disco, where thousands of strippers are having a satanic orgy and they’ll all stuck together. So the next enemies become groups of swingers who are attached to each other by their genitals and kamikaze run at Duke with their appendages flailing. He’ll make short work of them with the Baby-launcher but he’ll run out of ammo. That’s when he punches through a fish tank to reveal the secret switch that opens the abortion factory. He steals all the aborted fetuses and jams them into his weapon to re-load and starts really giving hell to the swinger-mutants.”

“Um Sir” the technicians hand went up tentatively

“Now just let me finish Kevin…” The exec waves his hand absent-mindedly

“My name isn’t”

He is interrupted

“So! Level Three is actually a giant metal bald eagle but like 30 miles wide in real-time dimensions so it takes like seven hours to go from wing to wing, and you fight your way forward through a field of land mines and you take steroids so that you rip apart your enemies with your teeth for the entire level. All the enemies are mimes that shoot rainbow bazookas that turn you gay. If you’re hit by one of the gay-rays your vision turns black and white and you speak every line with a lisp. The only way to reverse the gayness is to swallow viagra bottles whole or pick up copies of “Cheri” that are strewn about the level. For a boss you actually swing below the eagle and castrate him with an ice-cream scooper made of uranium that’s attached to his beak.”

Now several hands go up, they seem more insistent.

“I know! I know!! You’re all excited, but wait for the finale! The final level is where duke nukem gets shrunk into a tiny size, and he actually climbs inside his own gun and into a bullet, and it gets fired and he spends the whole level inside a bullet fighting microscopic aliens that are all transvestites and they crap in their hands and throw it at you. The real coup-de-grace is, that you have to beat the level before the bullet hits paris hiltons face, but you don’t want to save her!! So you just stay alive long enough to the let the bullet hit her and then you blow back up to normal size, but while you’re inside paris hiltons ass and you make her explode from the force of growing back to full size and then you start doing push ups in her entrails while the credits roll. Oh yeah and the entire soundtrack is the Metallica “Black” Album but re-mixed into house music.”

“Sir! I really…”

He awakes from his fevered reverie long enough to point vaguely at one of the developers…

“Sir…. I’m at a loss, even if we were able to do all this stuff, we haven’t been working on this for the past 8 years, we’re using the Unreal 2 Engine, this is in such bad taste that I’m pretty positive we’ll get banned, and you’re only talking about roughly four levels, that could be completed in less than a few hours. Also, there’s no plot, no connection between one area and the next, most of that doesn’t make sense, and I think you’re drunk”

His eyes are wide in surprise, the executives mouth opens and closes a few times with no sound coming out…

“Well I uh..”

The Young Technician continues “Furthermore, I think you’ve been giving everyone busy work while you play the original Duke Nukem in your office all day, and this is the first indication of a plot that we’ve had in eight years and its so bad that it sounds like you just made it up on the spot. You give no concept of reality and completely ignore the capabilities of the system we’re forced to work in, and you made everyone come in on their day off and you ordered pizza but all of the pizza is locked in your office, you’re not wearing pants, and I for one am sick of this shit… I’m leaving!”

The technician storms out, and the executive dismisses the rest of the crew for the weekend, assuring them that we’ll “Start Fresh” on Monday morning. The rest of the crew shrugs and walks back to their cars, with dazed looks on their faces. The executive walks back into his office and starts eating pizza, he waits until the building is completely empty, and then he shoves the pizza boxes aside to reveal a large diagram written on top of the desk. It reads,

Employees confused into leaving: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Employees scared into leaving: XXXXXXXX

Employees that have a nervous breakdown: XXXXX

He carefully scratches another X into the top row and taps his pencil with an amused look on his face.

This is a continuation of “Stupid Video Game Plots” which focused on the odd and generic storylines that are so deeply embedded in video game plots.

1. Silent Protaganist (…)

Maybe it's for the best....

Maybe it's for the best....

In many games the hero of the game is made to represent you. Since the game doesn’t know what you’re going to say it simply leaves the dialogue of your character blank and empty. For one this is a cheap cop-out for not having to write the dialogue of a MAIN character, and for two, the picture this draws in my mind is almost unbearable. Picture this: Since you provide your characters dialogue, the game writers must assume that you’re literally talking out loud to your video game vainly trying to “play your part”.

So I can just picture a pudgy 14 year old with a controller wedged into his hands, screaming at the tv “NO WAY!” or “That was my bag of gold you theiving elf-creature!” or “No dad please don’t die of your vicious dragon wounds”. Case in point, what we will come up with probably won’t be as good as the writers of the game, so you should just write the fucking main character and stop calling laziness “immersion” because the only time I’m yelling at the TV is when I’m drunk and calling mario a fucking jizz-mopper for over shooting that last power-up. And I don’t think that’s plot related.

2. Rock Collecting

Now go get 7 more, bitch

Now go get 7 more, bitch

Sigh, oh video games, how you’ve wronged me. Does this sound familiar? “In order to defeat the evil and gigantic dragon/fish/talking-tree/demon/politician you will have to run ALL around the fucking world and pick up an assload of pieces of crystal/rock/magic-beans” Yeah. I figured. There are so many games where the goal is dead ahead, right in front of you, THERE’s the bad guy, let’s go kick his ass.

But a straight path to the bad guy does not a long game make (in the words of asshole yoda). So rather than pounding on some slimes and leveling up and punching big baddie in the face. You’ve got to travel the world (inevitably by foot, then canoe, then boat, then airship, then teleportation that’s poorly explained) on a long-winded quest for some power crystals or whatever.

This ALWAYS accomplishes one of two things. Either they’re so powerful that the bad guy wants them, and he steals them and you fail, and you have to defeat him anyway, which means this whole trip was pointless. OR you do get the crystal and they bond into a magical mcdonalds toy of powerful magick, which then proceeds to do absolutely nothing except to actually LET YOU fight the last boss, but last i checked you never actually throw the fucking crystals at him or anything, so what was the point?

3. None at all?

The new Shape of Fear

The new Shape of Fear

How many people know the story of Tetris? No not the made up one you had in your brain, the actual story. None of you, because there is none, but puzzle games are too easy. There is a countless number of games with almost no plot or none at all. Sure some games throw you the sword of smiting and send you off to the red dragon’s lair. But seriously. What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On….

Far too many games sit on the fact that they MADE a game and decided a plot was overworking the concept. Even some high level A-list games give the illusion of depth but it’s not until the very end that you realize the obtuse character development NEVER coalesced… Have you ever finished game and went “Wait… what? that’s it?” Basically if the game companies have gotten you to buy it, and maybe even finish it, their work is done. Who cares who killed professor plum or why you’ve been chasing your evil anthropormorphic homo-twin across the galaxy, you win, end of story. Come on guys, who keeps writing this crap?

4.   Do it for Love, or whatever

Love is a many gendered thing..

Love is a many gendered thing..

So many times the love of your life is snatched away, your sweetheart is in peril, and the girl you just got the nerve to ask out is kidnapped by cyborg parrots that spit lasers. (that would be cool). But I think that battling across the whole of existence into the heart of hell/mordor/france/mushroom kingdom had better warrant a fine shiny piece of ass. If this bitch isn’t the LOVE of your LIFE why would you do all of this? Nobody is that nice. Plus half the time it’s just some girl you like, or are supposed to love, but there’s no real reason? Is she a world class chef with a blowjob addiction? Does she shit diamonds and do windows? Why is this girl worth fighting for? Why do you love her, or the character. I’ve done some damn near suicidal things for sex, but these games take the concept to a whole new level. Plus sex is never mentioned. Unless that black they’re always scrolling behind the credits is actually part of a censored bar covering up the worlds greatest orgy…

Long story short, there are people whose WHOLE job is create a plot and a story and they fail miserably. But I guess it doesn’t matter, after all, World of Warcraft is like the jesus of gaming and to the best of my knowledge the entire plot consists of “Go fetch me these apples/horseshoes/skulls/coins etc. and I’ll give you a piece of armor I can’t use anyway” Truly this is the stuff of epic legend. I can imagine why these stories will be told throughout the ages, about you, the retarded dwarf errand-boy who fetched things and became really good at mining. Yeah, that’s entertaining.

That’s not to say there isn’t a huge surplus of stupid video game plots, some of them are so generic I can apply them to dozens of games simultaneously. So we’ll start with the general plots.

1. In Space, with Aliens.

Why do they hurt me?

Why do they hurt me?

As Halo, Space Siege, Starcraft, and about a billion other games will tell you. Aliens are bad. I guess this is based off the assumption that as soon as WE get our act together enough to unite the human race, build faster than light ships and break all formerly known boundaries of humanity and technology, that what we find on the other end of our billion year evolution is a bunch of dickheads. Yup. Infinite potential for interaction and growth between interstellar species and the most interesting thing we can think to do is shoot the shit out of each other. Usually it’s their fault, they attacked us, they drove us to the brink of extinction, etc. But ya know, we’re just as likely to do that. How about a game plot that doesn’t make us sound like the only non-bastards in the galaxy? Or better yet, a game about aliens and humans tag teaming on a bunch of Nazi’s because hey, no one likes them…

2. Someone is kidnapped

Why did I rescue you?

Why did I rescue you?

Yeah Mario knows all about this shit. But who else doesn’t? From prisoners of war, to habitually snatched princesses, to out and out random kidnappings, there’s always someone gone missing. It’s not usually a cool way either. Basically someone got punked walking out of their house made of innocence and flowers and will spend the next 200 hours waiting for you to destroy millions of human/alien/turtle/nazi lives to get to them and pop them out of the empty room where they’ve been rotting, with no apparent after-effects. How about a game where you spend 2 hours finding the kidnapped person and then 2 years rehabilitating them and helping them to overcome post-traumatic stress and agoraphobia? We’ll call it “Rescued: Afterwards”

3. Big bad guy

Go Get 'em Tiger

Your Next Boss?

When Hitler/Bowser/Darth Spoonmaker each come into their own, they suddenly have an armada of bad guys, generals and mini-bosses. Who is following these people? Why is the majority of each fantasy world populated with sheeple who are magnetically (and possibly erotically) drawn to the most obvious epitome of evil within 1000 miles? It’s like walking into a party and bee-lining for the ugly girl. Or meeting like 30 celebrities but just talking to Andy Dick. What kind of charisma and people skills do ANY of these Pyschotically evil, oversized, cybernetic, spiked and fire-breating bastards have over thousands of creatures destined to become your enemy? Why sign up on team “Countless waves of cannon fodder”? why not start your own evil cult? Get it together evil!

4. Good Vs. Stupid

But BEFORE I kill you....

But BEFORE I kill you....

You’re an angel sent from heaven. A small boy with a good heart. A lowly sword-expert/turnip farmer. You are torn from the thigh of Zeus and destined to be everything cute and wonderful. Your enemy? Hulking, dark, smelly, evil, and infinitely more powerful than you. But he’s content to sit in a place very far away. He doesn’t even notice you I guess. When he does he sends some barely adequate enemies your way. Why are the bad guys always stupid? Or so aloof or busy they can’t be bothered to wipe out you, the hero, who has sworn vengeance on them for the destruction of their wife/house/turnip-farm? Especially in games (JRPG’s I’m looking at you) Where the main baddie actually SHOWS UP TO TAUNT YOU.. Really? You’re going to open a rift in the universe to end all life, killing billions, but you stop short of killing me to call me a douchebag and fly off on a dragon or something? Why doesn’t the boss show up early on and try to punch you in the face, but you barely escape and end up on the run, or he’s a pansy too and that way you both have to grow into massive armor-clad ninja magicians to do epic battle later?

5. You fix it, klutz

Wow a Sword! What could go wrong?

Wow a Sword! What could go wrong?

Secret of Mana springs to mind, but along with a shit-ton of other rpg’s and games. This sound familiar? You’re a teenager-ish kid who’s frolicking in the dangerous woods near your village, doing cute kid things when something goes unfortunately wrong and you:

A. Trip and Unleash hell and millions of demons

B. Remove the holy sword/wand/dildo/McDonalds toy/gerbil from its sacred spot that no one bothered to fence off or wall-up which THEN unleashes hell and turns everyone for 200 miles into hellbeasts.

C. Trip and fall into an unknown basement, where there’s a box.. that… unleashes… hell….

D. Read from the dark demonic big book o’ hellfire summoning by accident and then hell, um, unleashes..

Regardless of these many possibilities, there’s always one outcome. No one wants to help you, and they send you off alone armed with a stick to fix the problem. Sure you’re 14 and a virgin, but you alone must travel to the crystal city to see the king of everything besides hell, to simply have him tell you, that you have to go get the magic whatzamajizzit to close the gates of demon spawn that are pouring into the world. Meanwhile, I’ll just stay here with my thousands of guards who could kill you in an instant and hope it all goes to plan. It’s always your problem. Despite the fact that inaction will likely end the entire world and all hope for salvation rests of the pimpled shoulders of a level 1 dipshit who fell in a hole or picked up a sword. Apparently the necessary skills to become the worlds greatest hero is having all four limbs and bad luck.

Well, check back next time, when I pick apart SPECIFIC stupid plots.

Time and time again I read about the objectification of women in Video games. How real women don’t actually have quadruple D breasts and the ability to backflip through the air in a miniskirt while slaughtering thousands. Well you know what, I don’t CARE. Jesus Christ people, ease up a bit will you?

I'm staring at her guns...

I'm staring at her guns...

From the days of Tomb Raider when a busty heroine kicked her way onto my PC I loved women in games, do you know why I loved women in games? Because the chick in the game had huge tits. Look at the cover of any video game with a female lead, they’re HOT. They’re anime, gravity-defying, ridiculously hot. Why is this a bad thing? So some women feel alienated… fine. The lead of every game since the dawn of games has been a muscle-bound strapping greased up man and you don’t hear men complaining about how they don’t look they live in a gym. Video games are an acceleration and increase in reality. You can no more complain about hot women in games than you can complain about superpowers, infinite ammo, the ability to die and keep fighting or any other uber-reality touch in gaming.

You can cry your eyes out that chicks don’t look like they do in real life, but we don’t WANT that. Most gamers are guys, and if its because we objectify women, then how do you explain games like Doom, Crysis, Gears of war, where the men are stacked with muscle and guns and essentially move like olympic runners. Does this make me feel inadequate? Maybe if I had no life and envied the lives of video game characters, but I don’t.

You don’t buy a porno with ugly people in it (unless thats your thing) – you don’t watch hit movies with actors that look like shit, and you don’t read books about heroes who have a hair-lip and a beer belly. You don’t want your games populated by ugly heroes of yore either. At this point, some people have gotten the idea and started doing female leads that look mostly normal (Half Life 2/Portal) and this is fine too, you see, there’s only one thing I care about. That they KEEP making games with huge titted porn-star assassins as well as feel-good 6 out of 10 heroines. There’s room for diversity, as far as I’m concerned we can progress as a gaming culture and make games about our feelings and make hug-simulators all day long.

Yes we play for the game...

Yes we play for the game...

I for one, won’t play those games, or maybe I will, but then I’ll have to watch porn first. There’s a growing niche genre of games where you care for a puppy, or raise pinatas or some such shit, and I think that’s great. But every girl I know who loves Super Mario, has no trouble saving the princess, and if the princess had a huge rack and fuck-me lips I think they’d go right on saving her. I know I would fight a little harder to save her.

The point is, there’s a hundred other examples of beautiful better-than-reality people in every Vanity Faire, People Magazine, Hollywood Movie, XXX flick and of course games. Why is it all of a sudden, up to video games, to bear the moral burden of bucking the human races’ trend of materialism and lust? Its just another medium and sex sells, so keep right on selling it. This is no excuse to make a crap game, but I think we’re smart enough to dodge around games that just use sex to compensate for quality. Now, if you’re using sex to enhance quality, or hell, just throwing it in on top of a good game… I’m all for it

All the problems of a mustachioed Italian plumber and his plucky brother don’t amount to a hill of mushrooms in this mixed up crazy world. We’ve all watched Mario break countless bricks, collect billions of coins and generally roll around in the spotlight while Luigi cries and masturbates to 8-bit photos of Princess Peaches’ snatch in the darkest dives in Mushroom Kingdom… But how much do we actually KNOW about Mario, and what makes him SUPER anyway? Why does Luigi get shunted to the side despite his obvious jumping superiority (SMB2!)? We’re here to tell you, all the things you didn’t know about SUPER MARIO

1. Drug Problems

Super MushroomMany have watched little Mario suddenly devour a mushroom and become HUGE with power, have seen him stomp countless bad guys in the face and break millions of bricks with his fists, head, and even ass. Does NO ONE question this? This man has a problem! When he’s not so whacked out on PCP feeling no pain from endlessly slamming his hands and feet into blocks of solid BRICK, he’s dressed up as a Bee, Raccoon, Frog, or Frenchman like he’s on his way to a god-damned mascot orgy. When you can get him somewhat normal he’s eating mushrooms almost as big as HE IS and growing tremendously overweight from an extreme overdose of hallucinogenic mushrooms. This man is the cultural icon for a billion people worldwide and he does more drugs than 28 clones of Keith Richards at the Playboy Mansion. There is something very wrong with idolizing what is essentially an un-killable drug-addled plumber.

2. Money, where does it all go?

Super Mario CoinAlong with poor Mario’s plight in other arenas his finances aren’t what they used to be either. Despite endlessly collecting gigantic gold coins from countless locations around the globe, Mario is forced to make sequel after sequel just to simply “Pay The Bills”. But why? From a single game alone he must collect millions of points and coins right? Wrong. Nintendo

is the Columbia Records of the video game industry, sometimes giving their main characters as little as 10 percent of net profits from a successful title (this was especially bad during the 64′ era, when there WERE no successes). He’s lucky to walk away with enough points to make a mortgage on a castle thats plagued with fungus and portals to hell. Couple this with his lifestyle choices of drugs, dating princesses and the collateral damage levied against him by the Peoples Republic of Mushroom Kingdom (or PRMK) for blowing up national monuments and 1000 year old castles. He is also racked up more than 4 billion in fines from the WildLife Preservation Society for Endangered Enemies (WPSEE) for decimating the natural balance of innocent goombas and turtles, his request for leinancy was denied due to his excessive cruelty in kicking most of the dead turtles carcasses across great distances for fun and profit.

3. Love Life – Hardly

Princess PeachThroughout most of his career Mario has endlessly chased brides across the world and back, following one princess after another. Bailing them out of prisons, dungeons and tough situations. However each year the princess is captured or lost again, or Mario is called out to solve some other horrible crisis like re-aligning the planets or resurrecting dead stars which can go on for MONTHS. It doesn’t leave a lot of time for the good life. His marriage is a shambles due to the fact that he is physically incapable of having children, exacerbated by his long-time friend and prolific breeder, Yoshi. Peach was never happy with their situation, but when you’re an oft-kidnapped child of privilege you can only take things as they come. She’s had several affairs with his arch-nemesis Bowser and even some rumored flings with Koopa from the 90’s. So with a life riddled with lies and deceit he walks a lonesome road.

4. Bad Company

Mario FriendsBut what about his friends? Stalwart and with him to the end? Not true. Mario has had several falling-outs with his ne’er do well brother Luigi to the point where they no longer speak and often compete against each other in dangerous Kart Races. His other long-time friend Toad has moved on with his life and only comes out of retirement and recluse for the occasional cameo and then its back to the farm. Yoshi is often cited as Mario’s best friend but anyone close enough to see their repartee first hand will tell you that a single attack from an enemy will send Yoshi fleeing the scene like a panicked schoolgirl and will have to be physically captured and restrained to help again. He was also admonished not to see Yoshi again by his agent after it was discovered that Yoshi’s egg throwing ways had labeled him “Pro-Abortion”.

In conclusion, the revered rock-star of video games does not lead the life of luxury we’d all like to believe he does. His past is riddled with bad graphics, lame bosses, a brief addiction to side-scrolling porn, and the personal train wreck that was Mario Sunshine. His new game “Super Mario Galaxy” is due out soon and we can only hope that this aging and much put-upon hero can rise to the challenge, find his lost whore of a princess, and kick some serious ass. Here’s to you Mario.

The Game Dame

The Game Dame

Attention all gamers! You may or may not know of “The Game Dame” But she’s a deadly beautiful gamer-geek-girl who can frag your heart into little tiny gibs. So rarely does someone fill my life bar like her, that I had to do an interview. So without further ado, I present the exclusive “GAME DAME INTERVIEW”

( see her site at www.thegamedame.com )

Question 1: What is your name and Occupation?

I write video game reviews and industry tidbits as The Game Dame.

Question 2: Who would you say you’re biggest demographic is?

The same demographic that knows what show the following quote is from without having to do a Google search: “I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so… so… SCARED.”

Question 3: Who would win in a fight between an astronaut and a caveman? (no weapons)

Caveman. No doubt. It’d go down like this: The astronaut would try to calculate the best method for destroying the caveman… drawing out blueprints and all that. While he’s busy hypothesizing, the caveman would come over and bash his head in.

Question 4: What are your physical measurements? (What are your spiritual measurements)

Left wrist: 5.75″ around,

Right pinky: 2″ long,

Length of blank space between my shoulder tat and tramp stamp: 13.25″

Question 5: Do you name your breasts? (If so provide names, If not provide names)

Okay, let’s name them now.

Left: Itty

Right: Bitty

Other?: n/a

Question 6: Ever play D&D? (Live action or Table Top ­ give detail)


Question 7: What is your Favorite Video game weapon and why?

Anything that causes such an explosive impact that it sends rag doll bodies flailing through the air (rocket launchers, grenades). Those flailing bodies make me laugh. Does that make me a bad person?

Question 8: Describe your ideal alien abduction

Ignignot and Er would pick me up and spend a day teach me their advanced ways. We ¹d probably start the day flying around doing art installations like the one they did in Boston. DAMN, YEAH!

Question 9: What is your Favorite Color/Number/Ice Cream/Food/Game/Actor?



/Talenti’s Toasted Almond Gelato

/Human Souls

/Of the moment? Pac Man C.E.

/Parker Posey

Question 10: In many movies a suitor will perform an amazing stunt to impress the girl and gain her hand in marriage, Like jumping a motorcycle through a ring of fire and into a dinosaur’s mouth who has halitosis. What stunt would I have to pull off to win YOUR hand?

The motorcycle stunt is sooo 2006. Girls like me really have to be impressed. You’d have to somehow defeat the ultimate God of Cool: Chuck Norris. It’s not easy. But neither am I.

Question 11: Give me an example of a question you definitely wouldn’t answer here.

“Were you the one that put the empty milk carton back in the fridge yesterday?”

Question 12: Want to Fight?

I’d hate to embarrass you on your own turf.

Question 13: Cats like to eat fish right? So they make fish flavored cat food. Now dogs like to eat cats right? So why don ¹t they make Cat flavored dog-food?

I wish I knew. This will be added to the list of questions that keep me awake at night. Also on my list of sleep-depriving questions: “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” and “Why is the letter “W” called double u and not double v?”

Question 14: What is your ultimate goal Career/Personal?

I’m working on putting together a Game Dame show. I’m tired of watching girl video game news hosts who have no connection to the words they’re reading off of the teleprompter. If everything goes as planned, I’ll help redeem the reputation of the girl gamer TV personality.

Question 15: Write a Haiku about yourself

Gamer. Writer. Nerd.

Introducing the Game Dame.

The Game Dame (dot) com

Question 16: Biggest Accomplishment thus far?

I’d say it’s a pretty big accomplishment that people want to interview me. I think that’s weird.

Question 17: What would YOU do for a Klondike bar?

I’d play a round of Mario Kart 64 for it. Winner gets the ice cream.

Question 18: Some People only know you as the goddess-shaped-woman-of-their-dreams, so whats something embarrassing about yourself to knock you off your high and mighty throne?

When I was in middle school, a bunch of the cool kids invited me to hang out with them at the water park. I had a humongous crush on one of the guys in the group, so I was trying to impress him all day. I’d even bought a new bikini for the occasion. About halfway through the day, it became pretty obvious that my crush had no mutual interest, so I gave up on the courtship and went on The Lazy River ­ a 20 minute or so inner tube ride ­ with a group of the girls. At the end of the ride, you go down this slide and splash into the pool. I splashed, came up out of the water and started walking back to the cool kids group. They’d all gathered together at a picnic table. Walking up to them, I noticed that the entire line of people waiting for their turn on the Lazy River was looking at me. And smiling.

They seemed impressed. I started feeling cocky about it. Forget about that stupid crush, that whole line was interested! That’s when one of the girls ran over to me and pulled my bikini top back down over my boobs. I’d just flashed about 100 people and about 20 of them were from my school. I was mortified.

Question 19: Your Favorite Expletive?

Shit. It’s such a great word. It starts off with “sh” as in “shut up” and ends with “it” – a short, no questions asked conclusion.

Question 20: Ask your own question of me here.

If you could hang out with any cartoon character, who would it be and what would you do together?

Reply: Picture this: I’m sitting at the bar toasting with my buddy and a girl walks up and says “Hey who’s your friend?” and I smile and look at her and reply “CAPTAIN “N” BITCH!” and then high-five my cartoon homeboy captain N, and then maybe he shoots her with a light zapper or something.


A Thousand thank you’s to “The Game Dame” who remains my hero and she’s totally *promised to show up naked at my door carrying the classic Golden Zelda cartridge and a bottle of whip cream. Kind of makes YOU wish you’d done an interview huh?

*-Promised = Not said at all