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Going down the rabbit hole of WikiHow’s ‘Random Article‘ button can be a productive experience. You can pick up some desert island skills. You can also learn some things that will make other people stare at you blankly. Whatever I’m practically on the spectrum anyway you assholes. Here’s some recent highlights.

How to Make Jolly Ranchers

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Jolly-Ranchers

Fuck you I like em

How to “Say No” to Teenage Sex

http://www.wikihow.com/Say-No-to-Teenage-Sex

I didn’t find this one useful

How to Look like a Princess

http://www.wikihow.com/Look-Like-a-Princess

…Maybe if I had gotten this one first though.

How to Treat a Wound Created by an Impaled Object

http://www.wikihow.com/Treat-a-Wound-Created-by-an-Impaled-Object

So a guy walks into a bar and says, Any teenaged princesses want some jolly ranchers? You’ll never BELIEVE what happened next.

How to Avoid Being Served Court Papers or Notices

http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Being-Served-Court-Papers-or-Notices

The saga continues.

How to Make an Ocean Diorama for Earth Day

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-an-Ocean-Diorama-for-Earth-Day

OK this one doesn’t quite fit into the theme but is still a handy thing to know

How to Attract Birds

http://www.wikihow.com/Attract-Birds

free minions

How to Identify a Gifted Child

http://www.wikihow.com/Identify-a-Gifted-Child

more free minions

How to Tell Your Parents You Want to Act

http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-Your-Parents-You-Want-to-Act

Also applies to ‘Dance’

How to Forgive a Cheating Husband

http://www.wikihow.com/Forgive-a-Cheating-Husband

see ‘stab wound,’ above

 

And finally the most essential skill of all

How to Tell the Difference between Essential Oil and Infused Oil

http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-the-Difference-Between-Essential-Oil-and-Infused-Oil

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Well I was chatting with my good buddy – Joe “The Giraffe” Krol, and got to talking about our mutual love of the one and only Bill Paxton. Often considered the finest actor who ever lived on the planet. Here is my list of Completely (Un)True Facts about “The Bard” Bill Paxton (RIP)

In 1948 Bill Paxton was declared the new “Rosetta Stone” and is the conduit for which all language now travels

Bill Paxton once lifted the earth to see if there was anything underneath and found a rare Nickel with an upside down face on it.

One time during an interview a reporter asked Bill Paxton to tell him “Everything he knew” and subsequently his head immediately exploded. Bill to his credit, was only trying to accomadate the reporter and was later aquitted of all 2nd degree murder charges

It’s said in the inner circles of acting, to imitate Bill Paxton is the ultimate “Method” and such greats as Robert Dinero, Marlon Brando and Bill Paxton himself all credit Bill Paxton as their greatest inspiration

Fun Fact: Bill Paxton actually played the metallic suit worn by Robert Downey Jr. in “Iron Man 1 & 2” Part 3’s suit was played by Amy Adams and a modified ice cooler.

Once on the set of Blue Lagoon, which Bill Paxton did not appear in, a Key Grip asked Bill Paxton for some advice on how to teach his kids to read. Bill Paxton proceeded to quote the entire bible from cover to cover and the Key Grips children learned to read that very night. Their names were changed to “Bill” and “Paxton” respectively out of admiration.

During a high stakes poker game, Bill Paxton bet the “Future of Human Race” and won with a straight flush, forcing the Devil ever deeper into hell.

There’s a rumor going around that Bill Paxton will play every role in a new version of Lord of the Rings that takes place in New Jersey and has twice the budget of the original Jackson version.

it’s a little known fact that Bill Pullman is actually a failed Bill Paxton cloning experiment perpetrated by the North Korean shadow government. Pullman believes himself to be Paxton under cover. They have never worked together due to Pullman’s fear of the truth.

Fun fact!! Bill Paxton is a actually a full functioning automaton created by Leonardo DaVinci in an underground layer in Atlantis. The sole purpose of the “B il Pax tune” or the “second end of peace then” was to be a shell for a philosophers stone in which lead was turned to gold to destabilize the world’s precious metal market.

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We had a lot of good feedback on the latest batch of “Terrible OK Cupid Headlines”

We’ve come up with another Batch of Terrible Headlines for a dating profile.

Enjoy, as you’ve never enjoyed before! Remember, you can use these headlines but we’re not responsible for who you’ll end up meeting.

  • Dreamy Love Obsessed Girl Seeks Inhumanly Perfect Male
  • Strong Warnings Against Deviant Behavior (Must Love Dogs)
  • My Profile is Six Words Long
  • Wildly Aggressive Date-Hater
  • This is my Last Attempt at Love before Killing Myself
  • I’m not interested in Dating but This Profile Exists
  • Poly With Six Boyfriends Seeks 7th Person to Enter Maze of Complexity
  • Sexual Confused Bisexual Seeks Human Without Beard
  • Disney Princess Seeks Abusive Drug Addled Gangsta’ to Fix.
  • I Have a Boring Job and It’s All I Like to Talk About
  • I Inherently Mistrust People for Also Being on This Website
  • Here’s a list of my Favorite 500 things. Favorite.
  • Nonsense Headline Umbrella Cat Flavored Punch Balloon
  • Really Just Looking for Arguments about Politics
  • Untrustworthy Person Seeks Incredibly Trustworthy Person
  • I Will Flood You with Dick Pics Until You Date Me
  • All My Profile Pics are Abs
  • I Assume that Talking Like a Rapper at a Club will Entrance You
  • Deep Down I Am Fundamentally Flawed
  • I Smoke a Bunch of Weed, That’s all You Need to Know
  • All Downward Facing Zoomed in Selfies
  • Ambitious Fuhrer Seeks Ava for Suicide Pact
  • Most of my Life consists of my Dog
  • I’m Hot Enough to Barely Care What I Write – Banana.

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If you’ve ever meandered around in the dirty and terrifying world of online dating. You’ve probably had to fill out the dreaded headline. The “Tagline” for your whole failed sex-life that led you to whoring yourself out on a glorified shopping cart to sell your genitals to other people who are as suspicious as they are lonely. Which is to say, extremely (both).

I’ve worked forever trying to find the perfect headline with mixed results. However I’ve finally decided to swing to the other side of the old fence and come up with the absolute worst OK Cupid Profile Headlines.

Here’s a quick-tip You’re welcome to use these, but we’re not responsible for what you’ll end up getting. ENJOY!

Continue reading

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  • If you live in Maine and your hometown includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine with a large, rabid St. Bernard in the backseat, while residing in an old, haunted hotel near a strange Pet Semetary and hangs out with teenage girls with telekenetic powers….you’re pretty much screwed.
  • When it appears you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
  • Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  • Do not go search for something in the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
  • If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run. *NOTE* It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
  • When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone.
  • As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
  • Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.
  • If you are searching for something which caused a loud noise and you find out it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life. (It’s NOT the cat…)
  • If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
  • Do not take *anything* from the dead.
  • If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
  • Don’t fool around with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.
  • If you’re running away from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
  • Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.
  • If your car runs out of gas late at night, don’t go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help. Likewise if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill. Stay in the car.
  • Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws or any device made from deceased companions.
  • Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
  • Never listen to music that contains staccato shrieking violins.
  • If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.
  • Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.
  • The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat.
  • The guy with the testosterone overdose is also dead meat.
  • Along with the guy that is always making jokes
  • When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the damn lights!
  • Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you.
  • If you are traveling with friends, never let any hitch hikers into the van with you. It’ll be the worst (if not the last) day of your life.
  • Never babysit.There are enough babysitter-in-danger-thanks-to-a-stupid-killer flicks out there already.
  • If you ARE stupid enough to babysit, never try on the mom’s nightgown collection. You’ll only end up showing more skin. Remember: Skin=Death.
  • If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He’ll just pop through and kill you. Same goes for leaning against the window.
  • If you are at your Senior prom, and the school reject has just won prom queen, slowly back away and run for the exit. All hell is about to break loose.
  • SEX=DEATH
  • If you are a stoner among other stoners, be the quiet one or the lovable one. All the other stoners will be killed.
  • If you sense something is behind you, don’t bother turning around to check. Just run.
  • If you are trying to escape the killer, sliding through the cat door in the electronic garage door will not help you any.
  • After you manage to kill the monster/killer, never sit beside it and cry. It will suddenly pop back up to finish the job.
  • Never go to camp or become a counselor. You’ll be dead by the end of summer.
  • Never say “I’ll be right back.” You won’t be back. End of story.
  • Don’t ever do something just because someone dares you to.
  • If you ever visit some distant planet and find objects that look like eggs, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!! Then when one of your spaceship’s crew members finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of breaking the previous rule), don’t let him back on the ship. When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of breaking the previous two rules) NEVER wander off alone to hunt for the ship’s cat.
  • If someone tells you to do or not to something (example: DON’T fall asleep, DON’T go out there, DON’T go look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding psychopath by yourself) by all means, LISTEN TO THEM!!
  • A small town’s little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, “Why you’re the guest of honor! We couldn’t even have the barbecue with out you!”, run like hell.
  • If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.
  • Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.
  • Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.
  • Never go back for anything you lost.
  • If the movie is directed by someone named Wes Craven or John Carpenter, you’re pretty much screwed.
  • If the killer/monster is dead, don’t dig up his grave to try to do a final resurrection. He will only come back to life. Duh.
  • If you disobey the previous rule, don’t try cutting off his head or anything cheap. Stick a grenade in his mouth and run for it.
  • If the killer is standing ten feet in front of you, don’t just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may comes as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.
  • A female should never wear a white shirt without a bra while escaping the monster. It will only increase your chances of falling and causing a freak rainstorm that will make your shirt transparent and result in your immediate death.
  • If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it’s in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.

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Today was the day I was planning on writing an article, but then again you ass-clowns don’t pay me. Plus I’m feeling slow and drowsy from when I chugged NyQuil earlier and ran over a marching band made up of toddlers and chinchillas, as the rhythmic thumping of my large American car spraying adorable guts and miniature batons everywhere always gets me sleepy.

So I actually make lists of articles to write and they all looked like they’d require some iota of research or photoshopping a transformers head on to a dinosaur (tune in next week!). So instead I’ve devised a list of the top ten reasons, that I didn’t write an article. This has coincidentally prompted me to write another article (later) called “Paradox within a Paradox: The story of a Fish having sex with Frisbee”

10. Alien Abduction

I couldn’t possibly write an article today, as today is the day I knock in my front teeth with a horse-shoe and then wander into the woodsy area behind the only general store in Dimshit Junction, Texas. This of course, is prime alien abduction territory. Plus the angry lumberjacks who woke me up sprawled naked on their tractor assured me that aliens are definitely the reason my ass hurts. Why can’t the aliens abduct anyone but a drunk southern yokel?

9. My Dog ate the article

When I say “My Dog” I actually mean my girlfriends dogs, who are about as big as this article and probably weigh about the same too. They’re cute and everything but they’ve been known to choke on a broken tic-tac so they really don’t serve as a great venue for excuses. At least with big dogs they can eat your car tire or jump through a plate-glass window, killing your grandmother. The most I can expect from my duo of fierce shiz-tzu attackers is a sore ankle or nuzzled burglar.

8. Brain Hemorrhage

Here I am, about to write this brilliant article (Titled: Why chicks are hot) when suddenly I’m seized with this acute pain, which is difficult to describe. It’s like getting an entire family of angry badgers in your brain and then lighting them on fire. Their thirst to escape causes them to claw through the soft gray tissue and corneal roots they see before them in an effort to reach freedom. But they never get out and the nerves keep growing back and the cycle increases in intensity. Turns out its just a migraine, but still, close one.

7. Laziness Inversion / LSD Flashback

You ever get so lazy that you forget to breathe? Then you reach the nexus of lazy nirvana and the entire universe actually collapses in on itself from the sheer depth-of-laziness and inverts. Suddenly you become the antithesis of laziness and start doing everything, and then a bright light envelopes all you see before you as you reach peak efficiency and simultaneously accomplish everything (Including writing an article) But you have a moment of clarity and realize that its just that triple-dip purple microdot that you had every day for a week back in 99′. Good times… ah Good times…

6. Because of TopTen Lists.

The advent and popularity of top-ten lists causes me to realize how easy it is to entertain you insult-loving shit shovelers. Then all my creativity drains out like so much urine and I’m left with a sore bladder and no urge to actually string together the pretty words and dazzling metaphors I’m so epically capable of. Instead I churn out a semi-coherent rant about my own failures and you all laugh anyway.

5. Religious Epiphany

So I’m finishing my 73 hours of research that I pour into every single article I’ve ever written and suddenly I’m struck dumb with awe and wonder. Jesus himself reaches from the heavens, lowered on the soft and delicious hand of God to tell me that I have lived in Sin. Not just sin like other people covet their neighbors playstations, but like Sin with a capital ‘S’ that actually means that hell for me will be to be re-incarnated as an actual living penis whose sole purpose is to fuck Satan. I immediately repent all my sins and ask for forgiveness and am informed that in order to guarantee my spot in Heaven, I only have to stop writing that article I’m about to write (Titled: God the fucking fucker).

4. Because of the Number 4

I’m assuming that what I meant by implying that the number 4 actually stopped me from writing is either that I’m writing purely from a stream of consciousness, Or that i’m trapped in some Davinci-Code-Esque plot. A plot where the number four is actually the key to unlocking the human soul and that by making it the fourth from the last item on this list, the Pope has ordered a hit on me for getting “Too Close”

3. Lack of Ideas

My creative process is usually summed up by skimming my favorite porn sites and then getting angry about something I read on Digg last week in my post-orgasmic funk. So in essence, what I’m trying to say is, if there wasn’t anything interesting on the internet last week, its pretty much the world’s fault, and not mine. Because if you bastards had front-paged something worth me getting pissed about, You would be entertained right now.

2. More Important things to do…

I know its hard to believe, but sometimes when I’m not writing articles on CrotchMail I’m actually out saving lives. Grabbing babies from buildings that are near burning ones, because “Hey you never know”. Picking up the crippled kids that my car flung into the cross walk and depositing them gently on the sidewalk, where they have a higher chance of survival. Why just the other day I was visiting the burn ward of the hospital and training my countless hordes of starving scorpions when I saw a poor woman with no friends stuck in traction all day long. I left her wailing with delighted glee as she played with her new friends, Stingy, Miss Venom, Pokey, Scorpy, and Mr. Snips.

1. The number one reason I didn’t write an article

Because I just fucking wrote one and why would I write another? Heh Mr. Snips is awesome.