Caught Bucky Larson this weekend, twice. With unexpected results.

When I first saw the trailer for Bucky Larson it looked awful. Any movie that capitalizes on a star with a strange defect (i.e. big ol’ buck teeth) seems like a sinking ship from the get go, all the jokes are pre-loaded and the humor has nowhere to go.

I’m one of the few people who really didn’t like “Grandma’s Boy” maybe it’s my fact checking history from the game industry, maybe I’m just a douche, who knows? But until recently I considered Adam Sandler movies to be the better ones and the rest of crew at “Happy Madison” who crank out the other movies to be the lesser studio. But now that Adam Sandler has sold his soul to the devil it’s starting to go the other way around. Case in Point – Bucky Larson.

Rather than rely on the same tired looking crew of Adam Sandler’s friends to push a movie through to completion they got some new talented people on board. Stephen Dorff, Christina Ricci (Whom I’m in Love With), Nick Swardson and a surprise out of left field with Don Johnson. Some of the most underrated people in comedy right now. People who are all funny and talented and should have more work.

This isn’t to say the movie is a masterpiece, but I have to give credit to the writing. They deftly avoid cliche after cliche in this movie, moving 2 steps ahead at all times. On the flip-side – It wobbles back and forth between trying a bit too hard to be a real romantic comedy, and a total parody of itself.

To sum up the plot, Bucky Larson is an Iowa kid from a podunk-backwoods town who has never masterbated and is recently fired from his job bagging groceries. His friends, to cheer him up, show him his first porno, an old 70’s adult movie. Which ends up starring his parents. Rather than be disgusted, Bucky is entranced by being the son of two film ‘stars’ and goes to Hollywood to find his destiny. To be in adult films, just like his parents. This off the wall premise leads to him meeting a love interest, and being set back slightly by the fact that he has an absurdly small penis and immediately ejaculates with the first GLIMPSE of a boob, to hilarious effect.

Odd premise huh? But overall it’s unique. Don Johnson is the irascible, friendly, pill-addicted, well meaning porn director who gives Bucky his shot at porn. Nick Swardson while straddling the fence between a overly nice country boy with no shame, and an utter retard, is not the most charming of main characters but he plays his role – To The HILT. A bit part from Kevin Nealon ends up providing some of the best angry nonsensical non-sequiters ever put to film. Christina Ricci, while phoning it in just a bit, is still adorable and charming. And Stephen Dorff, as the hyper-aggressive and hung porn legend “Dick Shadow” is brilliantly over the top.

The insistence of this movie of grounding itself with a bit of reality is it’s only downfall. It’s jokes land, the actors ham it up to great effect and there’s a lot of character and personality. When it goes down the road of having a few serious moments and cheap jokes that belong in a crappier movie it tends to drag and get boring. With a clearer vision I think this movie could have pushed to almost “Anchorman” level humor but falls short due to it’s inability to decide what kind of movie it is. One minute Bucky Larson is clueless to the point of almost epic stupidity, the next he’s giving sage advice and acting like a grown up. Don Johnson is the nicest and warmest person in the world, and the next he’s screaming and doing 8-balls. There’s no comedy inherent in the transition it’s simply that the characters often act, out of character..

What I can offer you, brave readers, is that this movie is surprisingly worth seeing. I get the feeling a lot of the humor could benefit from an altered mind state, but it’s not required. From seeing it twice, I’ve noticed a few things. One, is that this movie is bombing, with terribly empty theaters that probably had the same first awful impression I got from the trailer. Two is that this is way more fun with a group, to share the inside-jokey humor and odd pauses. So bring a friend or three and go see it. Don’t expect to be blown away but you’ll laugh a lot. And that’s what comedies do…


Crotchmail is mainly one person… me. But I play a lot of video games when I’m not generating oodles of hilarious and I’ve blown through a lot of disappointing games in the last few years.

Mostly because no one I know has played them but they sounded interesting and like they might have Promise. If you’ve played game after game lately and just found yourself bored and disappointed, you can use this list a guide. This Review Round-Up simply hits the salient points of why I did or didn’t like a game, or that despite the hype, I simply wasn’t impressed or engrossed. Some of these games I didn’t enjoy but you might have, this means you are stupid. Let that sink in.

Also, don’t get me wrong, I can write pages of how much a game sucks (or is great) but this is a Round-Up so one or two lines about each game and why it sucks, or surprisingly doesn’t. If you want more reviews or scathing accented critique try zero punctuation, but that takes too damn long, and gives me a headache (the fast talking)

Game Reviews:


Massive Multiplayer Online RPG

Premise: The MMO to end all MMO’s – Played internationally across millions of users, with super high quality graphics never before seen in an MMORPG, very highly polished interface and system

Reality: There is no doubt, this game is incredibly beautiful, an expansion in september promises to move them from the already impressive – if dated – far cry engine, to the psychotically high detail “Crysis” engine. This game will only get more beautiful and amazing to look at. Which will help you while you’re endlessly fetching useless pieces of shit for NPC’s that don’t care. Why is this the formula for a game?! Incredible graphics, and attention to detail and the same bored tired “go kill 20 of these and collect 5 of that” gameplay that is prevalent in EVERY other MMO. There has been NO MMORPG to deviate from this endless boring psuedo-addictive formula that keeps people paying monthly fees to fetch crap and team up with people to fetch crap. Re-think the WHOLE genre, people.

Assassin’s Creed (1)

Free Formed Action/Stealth/Parkour 3rd Person

Premise: With amazing graphics you become “Altair” who is a deadly assassin working for a shadowy brotherhood in an amazingly realistic historical cities of both reality and legend. Using your parkour style skills you scale the city and elude capture while killing those who are chosen to die.

Reality: With some weird technological “Framing Device” The developers decided to put a secondary techno-plot onto a medieval assassin’s game. It’s just utterly unnecessary and serves to break up the already stilted action. The fighting is crap, but there’s not enough opportunity to simply always kill by stealth. This game tries to do everything and ends up just looking pretty and being boring as all hell. You will marvel at the detail and movement for the first few missions before it becomes a john grisham novel with a rinse-repeat approach to learning obscure quest details to use in the future for some oblique reason. This game is confusing, slow and generally not worth finishing, let alone putting in more than a rental’s amount of time. (RENT IT, Don’t buy) – I’ve heard part 2 is much better but I’m waiting to see if it’s true.


Co-op oriented FPS with Cell shaded graphics and RPG style upgrade system

Premise: In a post apocalyptic wasteland – you and other players can team up to tackle hundreds of missions, buff your characters and choose from 1000’s of gun combinations to suit your style.

Reality: We don’t need 1000’s of guns in a game, since they mostly look the same and act the same the effect is minimal. The cell shading graphic technique is great and very well done but the choice for the color palette and environment is terrible. It’s an endless brown/grey drab wasteland with huge stretches of nothing at all. Far from Fallout who does it right, the arcadey co-op oriented gameplay takes away any semblance of atmosphere and loneliness that might otherwise be present by the overly massive environment. It’s a high concept game that essentially falls flat. Which is a shame, it has a great style and all the right elements. But the focus is all wrong and eventually you’re just level grinding and doing endless fetch quests. I simply DO NOT care if an NPC needs to build a hut, or potion, or gun, or brain transplanting machine. The humor in the game saves it from being a total fail, but once again I’d say the stretch of a Rental is more than enough time to experience all you’ll ever need. (RENT)


Ultra Detailed FPS with Elements of Stealth/Action

Premise: Building on the open world lush-jungle environment of Far Cry, a brand new game engine brings a whole new level of immersion coupled with impressive physics and cinematic shootouts and boss fights.

Reality: This has been out a while, and not all the games I’m reviewing are remotely new, just the only things that sounded worth mentioning recently. Crysis is a solid win in a field of overpopulated pretty FPS games. It’s suit system that allows you to free change between super speed, stealth, armor, or strength adds a ton of adrenaline and excitement to a stale format. The graphics are nothing short of breathtaking and the plot, while slightly blaise, is well paced and the game is quite challenging. This is a game worth playing and owning and going back to later.

Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion

Graphic Intense open world RPG environment, do anything, be anything, save the world.

Premise: Undertake a sweeping saga in a massive environment in the style of a classic RPG brought to life. Train in any number of skills to be the kind of player you WANT to be, mage, rogue, archer, scoundrel, nice guy. And save the world.

Reality. With some amazing graphics and a well done starter to this game it takes off fairly well. But you’d better hope you’re completely hooked after the first two hours, or you are in for a long bumpy ride. After learning that the very gates of hell are opening up and the king is dead leaving you with an important mission. You are then simply dropped on a farm somewhere to ‘figure it out’ it’s not that hard to simply follow your cues and the plot but the massive environment ends up working against you. You will simply run and run and run for hours, eventually getting a horse only slightly pares down this incessant travelling with nothing but the occasional wild animal to fight and beautiful vistas to watch, it seems pointless. There should NOT be 20 minutes of holding “Forward” in any game, PERIOD. Later on when you teleport around more effectively the game is still bogged down by too many side quests drawing you away from any kind of plot completion. It’s a game to simply get lost in for hundreds of hours becoming a god, or to really not bother with. I think this one is about 50/50 depending on how into the RPG mindset you are and how strong your “W” key finger is.

That’s Part 1 of our Round Up with many more to come. Here’s some of the other games we’ll be covering (and you can comment to request your own review if you’d like)

Coming Soon:

Fallout 3
Hazen: The Dark Whispers
Left 4 Dead
Serious Sam HD
Street Fighter IV
Zeno Clash

So M. “Fail” Shmylanalanan has eeked out his final works. It lays like a half aborted 150 million dollar fetus upon the steps of a post-apocalyptic hollywood, as this may herald the death of cinema.

In case you can’t tell, this movie isn’t just bad, it’s like an A list director got lots of money to make a shiny B Movie that is an insult to B-Movies. The fact that this is adapted from a cartoon is no excuse to stop trying altogether.

He's holding the entire films talent in his hand...

Shymlademlan has only done me one favor, I won’t have to keep misspelling his name because he will never work again. My god, the director that gave us 6th Sense and the Village has just shown that he’s completely lost it. This movie is like watching him die and I found myself frantically looking around for someone to help him. Dev Patal from slumdog millionaire is about the ONLY person in the cast to justify the title “Actor” and his performance was just indifferently apathetic at best. Every other list of never-up-and-coming pseudo-pretty faces who aspire to someday reach High-School level acting will fade justifiably into the ether.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe the effects people, the editors, the actors, were all brilliant and M. Shymalox is simply burying them in shit and no-talent writing. If English is NOT your first language, do NOT helm the writing for a movie with english dialogue. If you are adapting from a cartoon that’s charming and funny, do not make your life’s mission to remove both charm and funny from the movie. These seem like easy to understand concepts… but no… they do not cross the foreign border that is M. Shadooxmleys failing brain stem.

I haven’t even tackled the movie yet, because honestly, I have no fucking clue what happened. There were some ice people, who found a kid, who is capable of wielding all four elements, but can’t. So the fire people are hindustani dickheads and want to kill/enslave everyone, most everyone has let this happen until the arrival of a bald kid who can’t do anything but sort of fly and knock people over. When they make a piss-poor rebellion and end up BACK at the water people who are all white people dressed as asians and live far away but have the exact same environments.

Meanwhile the worst rendered CG Dragon in history spouts oblique fortune cookie advice during confusing meditation sequences by said useless bald kid, who seems to gleam some inner strength from it. In what I can only describe as dialogue written by re-translating japanese dialogue written by a dyslexic Scotsman. With such dialogue-ish gems as

“We have to show them we believe our beliefs as much they believe theirs.”


Continuity in this movie may have been provided by David Lynch if it wasn’t so obviously, accidentally shitty, where as the lynch meister would at least confuse with an artistic flair.

If this sounds like the horrible scribblings of a 6 year old and I’ve given you no idea what the movie is about, it’s because I simply DO NOT know. There’s a kid and he gets some powers and another kid who’s dad is evil and a bunch of people fighting with fire and water but not suffering terribly from it because it’s a nickelodean movie and people just keep getting knocked aside (to die offscreen I assume)

At the end, (which I have no fear of spoiling) the bald kid who appears to be reading from cue cards the whole movie, summons a tidal wave, which then fades back into the ocean, doing NO damage to simply scare the bad guys away. Also a fish, who is the moon(?) gets killed, and some chick gets her hair color back and dies, after a 9 second love affair with one of the blandest main characters ever, who might be someone’s brother, I just don’t care.

You leave this movie with a sense of dumbfounded wonder, that you literally just spent money to see this and you HAVE to justify that somehow, but you just can’t. I felt stupid for several hours after watching this movie, because if you watch retarded people do retarded things long enough, you start to feel a little retarded. I can safely say that this movie made me dumber, I have suffered true intelligence damage from watching it. There is literally nothing memorable or redeeming about this movie. I could watch it 3 more times and give you NO more information as to what it is we’re supposed to care about or accomplish.

With every bad movie comes an opportunity to be “So bad” that it’s good, that you can laugh or poke fun at it and flip its intent on its end. Unfortunately, no amount of spinning can alter this pile of shit from being a pile of shit. M. Evening Shmallaleeon can go blissfully into the afterlife of directing and manage a 7-11, knowing that he has fucked his career so far into the ground that he’s punched through to china, where they will hate this even more for the racist re-casting.

Fuck you, Fuck this movie, Fuck M. Night, and if you get tempted to see this to see if it’s really “just that bad” – Don’t. It’s even worse.

So I’ve just gone and seen New Moon, or as I like to call it “Twilight 2: The Reckoning”. Let’s get the basics out of the way, I’m male and straight (enough) and I’ve seen the first movie and read the entire series of books. To be fair, I didn’t actually know what I was getting into when I idly picked up the first book and because Stephanie Meyers words are somewhat akin to girlishly coated white china heroin, I read the rest.

So I’ve enjoyed the book series, I found it to be well written and with a full and complete story arc that ends in a satisfying and somewhat surprising manner. I’m also well aware that Stephanie Meyers is a filthy mormon and is using the outmoded beliefs of her childish religion to create angst and sexual tension like never before. Apparently though, it worked. This being the first time Hollywood has not rammed a sex scene into a non-comedy romance. So on with the review.

It’s hard to summarize or review the 2nd movie without acknowledging the first. The casting of which is nearly pitch perfect. However I found the direction of the first movie to be lacking in personality and life, as it played out mainly as a word-for-word reading of the book as a script with beautiful but stoic actors and actresses. Not to mention Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan) seems to consist mainly of stuttering, apoplexy and migraines throughout the first movie. Now the second iteration is released upon a veritable ocean of squealing girls and shy and ashamed men. I found it to be largely more enjoyable.

In this movie, **PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD** Robert Pattinson (Edward Cullen) as the broody perfect gentleman vampire, realizes that his very existence places his lady love in danger, after a paper cut during a birthday scene almost ends in disaster with his blood-lusting family. Ever the noble matyr, Edward decides his lifestyle is too dangerous for Bella to endure as a human and leaves her broken hearted with his (lied) assurance that he no longer loves her and will “disappear from her life forever”. Bella, lost in a massive whirlpool of sorrow turns in her desperation to Jacob, the Native American supermodel/mechanic (Taylor Lautner), who manages to brighten her life slightly with his carefree and upbeat attitude. He of course falls rapidly in love with the heavily damaged and rebounding Bella and she keeps him at arms length while using him as an emotional crutch to perform dangerous stunts. These dangerous stunts present visions of the erstwhile Edward, who warns her to not harm herself, whether this is completely in her mind or some real telepathic link to Edward (direct from angst-ville) is never quite explained.

The situation is complicated somewhat by the fact that Jacob is revealed to be a Werewolf and that several members of his tribe are also his “pack”. Furthermore, the female antagonist Victoria, having survived her mates destruction in the first movie is still hellbent on revenge and plans to kill the relatively unprotected Bella. Though the part of Victoria is largely unspoken in this movie she remains only a shadowy menace represented mainly by dirty looks and threatening poses. The real story is Bella’s mutual but distant love for Jacob and increasingly dangerous activities. This culminates in a cliff-diving scene where Edwards psychic sister foretells her death (incorrectly) and Edward finds out and plans to kill himself as a result.

Edward throws himself at the mercy of the Volturi, an ancient Italian group of vampires who all possess superpowers of some type or another. Making them the dirty X-men of the Twilight Universe. They refuse to kill Edward and so he concocts a plan to break the Volturi’s main law, which is secrecy, by exposing himself as a vampire and subsequently getting himself killed in retaliation. Bella and Alice race to Italy to prevent this and lo and behold, manage to save Edward. But not without first attracting the attention of the Volturi leaders who insist she must be made a vampire or die.

The story comes to a close with Edward back in the game and Jacob scorned and angry as Bella looks forward to becoming a Vampire.

The lengthy plot is revealed, and while this covers the real happening of the movie it’s important to note a few things. For one, Jacob, being a much more primary character and admirably acted by Taylor Lautner is also reduced to little more than female pornography by existing for 90 percent of the 130 minute runtime with no shirt on, appearing as though he probably breaks a Bowflex machine before breakfast. With rippling abs and overexaggerated muscles, intended to convey that his new Werewolf metabolism is greatly increased, he becomes more of a constant sight gag. Making girls (ranging age 14-40) Sigh and giggle constantly, as the first real equivalent of female driven porn, worms its way onto mainstream cinema. Between the wolf and abs ‘other guy’ and the dark mysterious pale leading man, this is several of the most popular female fantasies colliding in a stew that literally leaves men (or at least me) feeling distant and uncomfortable.

That’s not to say the movie is bad. I found it to be well paced, funny, and have some genuinely inspired fight scenes that leave you wincing in pain for these characters. There are some things that worked for the first movie that barely deserved a glance in this one though. The casting of her friends from high school become rapidly more irrelevant in this movie and one is led to wonder why they continue to put up with Bella’s whiny ever gloomy and dismissive attitude. It doesn’t help that these friends have very little chemistry with each other and are obviously hand picked to provide racial diversity in the cold northwestern US, where Blacks, Asians, and Puerto Ricans are not yet invented. Much less goofy friends, linked to each other only by their tenuous ability to swallow Bella’s constant emotional shitstorm.

Bella’s dad Charlie (Billy Burke) as a picture perfect Chief Swan impressed with his depth and range in the first movie. He is unfortunately relegated to a role of constant unbelievable acceptance of his daughters massive mood swings and acts of rebellion and self-endangerment. While it’s possible that most parents are little more effectual than Charlie, it’s difficult to swallow that he’s both caring and apathetic to what is essentially full blown schizophrenic behavior courtesy of the slightly less stuttery Kristen Stewart.

From a male point of view, all the female characters in this movie are beautiful and fairly well acted, however they remain the only people sensibly bundled under what, by contrast, seems like acres of clothing. The females remain simple almost indistinct and generally forgettable, as the focus is clearly on our leading lady and her Olympic sized swimming pool of testosterone resulting from 2 chiseled male competitors. All in all, I would say this movie more effectively delivers the drama of the book than the first and is worth watching and enjoying for either male or females, but it’s very obviously directed toward the latter.

For those of you that aren’t fans of the series, I can summarize the movie in another, more humorous way:

The scared-of-blood vampire Edward, watches his girlfriend get a paper cut and breaks up with her, forcing her to gain hallucinogenic highs while cockteasing a werewolf until she attempts suicide, forcing her ex-boyfriend to beg the Italian X-men to kill him, resulting in a high speed chase and culminating in a dick-waving contest between 2 sets of differently toned bodybuilders, which they both inevitably lose because in this twlight/pokemon universe, abstinence is awesome and everyone’s pretty much fine with a manic depressive pushing their buttons.

So with one review, or the other, I leave you. Probably to either profess your deep hatred for this book/movie series you’ve never read or watched, or to watch the damn movie again, because the boys are SO cute.

I’ll be over here vomiting in this bucket, but giving this movie a solid 4 out of 5 stars for some great effects, performances and a pretty well written “Bodice Ripper” come to life.

No really fuck it. The Kindle is Amazon’s little ugly bastard child of an E-book reader. Its like when you’re visiting your family and you’re all having a good time and your cousin from the “deep south” shows up with plastered with his cousin and starts fucking up the place. Everyone just sort goes into a hush and starts commenting on the wallpaper. But no one says what they’re really thinking, which is “What the Fuck?”.

Ugly KindleThe kindle is an e-book reader and is just barely on the curve of the 2-nd generation of ebook readers. It has everything you’d expect, e-ink display, read your ebooks and your news… woo hoo. But that’s where its similarities with every other reader ends. It’s uglier than a hat full of assholes, it looks and feels cumbersome. It was rammed down our throats on the FRONT PAGE of amazon for weeks on end, in a shameless display of self-promotion. It costs hundreds of dollars more than the competition and it has DRM (Digital Rights Management = NO FREEDOM) for days and days.

Seriously guys, what the fuck. It has a cell phone modem to download content, which is neat, but all the content costs money and you can’t read shitloads of your own material on it. Plus the battery life is crap compared to cheaper offerings and oh hey did I mention it’s a clumsy looking shit-tool that seems to have escaped from the movie TRON? It’s angular planes, tiny spaced out keyboard and lack of any real place to hold it comfortably, make it look about as fun to read with as a broken fish-gutting tool.

It wouldn’t be so bad if everyone just shrugged and moved on, but its like all the reviewers WANT to like it. They don’t. But they WANT to like it. So everyone focuses on the good parts and politely smiles and looks away, while the Kindle fucks its cousin on the living room couch. Well I’m speaking up, its ugly as shit, expensive as hell, and not worth my time.

Just when Amazon pulls their head out of their asses and fixes the ugliest site on the internet, they got the old designers to make the Kindle instead. Don’t quit your day job Amazon.

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I like to inject a certain level of comedy and levity into almost everything that gets published here. However I think I can express my overwhelming rage and frustration in a way that may be amusing or at the least, informative. Let me start off by saying…

Best Buy is a bunch of Pig-Fucking Nazi Corporate whores who deserve nothing less than strangulation with their entrails.

I had the good fortune of attempting to contact Best Buy to see if they had a product available, because I was gifted with several “gift cards” over the holidays. I really wanted a GameBoy Micro, as I like retro gaming, and its the latest console put out by nintendo alongside the DS lite and the Wii (both of which they don’t have in either). It’s a common item but was not located on their website. I decided I’d give the store a call.

1st Call: Phone Menu annoying, transferred to games, phone rang 50 times. *hung up*

2nd Call: Called back, transferred to games dept, phone rang 60 times. *hung up*

3rd Call: Called back transferred to computer dept, informed that they don’t have it, but might be able to order it, transferred me to media, phone rang 50 times, *hung up*

4th Call: Called back, transferred to computers, transferred to media, They cannot order it and the only nintendo console they carry AT ALL is the Gameboy Advance SP in PINK… Asked if I could refund my gift cards, transferred to customer service, phone rang 50 times, *HUNG UP*

5th call: Called back, transferred to computers, asked for manager, transferred…. phone rang 50 times, *HUNG UP*

6th Call: Called back, transferred to computers… phone rang and rang *hung up*

7th Call: Called Best Buy corporate office, waited on hold 20 minutes, reached directory, was transferred to complaints department, *Call dropped unexpectedly*

8th Call: Called Corporate – Waited 20 minutes to reach switchboard, transferred to complaints again….. waited FORTY FIVE more minutes to reach someone. Finally Sassy bitch picks up the phone and I explain everything, and that I want to lodge a complaint against the Santa Rosa store, and that I just want to refund my gift cards. She tells me to wait on the complaint (for no reason) and tells me I’ll have to get the receipt for the gift cards from the people that GAVE me the cards. I told her I’m not bugging people that gave me gifts, she says too bad. I ask for supervisor. *CALL IS DISCONNECTED*

9th Call: Called Corporate…. waited 20 minutes *slammed down the phone in a fit of burning rage, punched my desk, knocking over several pen holders jumped up and hit knee on same desk, knocking down the remaining pen holders then I actually spit in the garbage can, on the off chance there is a god and he can open a portal in my trash can that will carry my rage-flecked saliva through space and time to land in the eye of the CEO of Best Buy and cause him to miss a vital turn in his Ferrari, flying off the edge of dead-mans-curve and into the 3000 foot ravine where his flaming car is crushed against his dessicated body and he can only reach the speed dial #1 on his cell phone which sends him to best buy customer service where he slowly chokes to death on his own blood and bone chips while listening to the cheery and endless fucking HOLD MUSIC OF BEST BUYS INFINITE FUCKING PHONE SYSTEM!!!

Rather than place the 10th call in this farce of a fucking customer service system. I’ve opted to actually GO TO THE FUCKING STORE, where I’ll inform the manager of the SANTA ROSA, CALIFORNIA store, that they’re a bunch of fucktards and that I will use my gift-cards on a low-profit item, simply so they dont’ get the satisfaction of the free money from the poor souls that had to wait in their horrid fucking lines and get frisked on the way out by the handy “Everyone’s a shoplifter – Receipt Checker” Asshole waiting by the door, to give me a gift card to what is apparently the worst fucking run company on the face of the earth.

I don’t know if you’ve seen the best buy cards, they’re actually fairly sharp and dangerous looking, I may be able to fashion a cannon to fire best buy gift cards with deadly sniper accuracy into the store-front where it will tear through their flamingly retarded anti-bathing group the GEEK SQUAD who will have to call tech support to see if bleeding is an issue they can deal with. Or if decapitation requires a patch or a new head.


I feel better now.

I just saw Blade III: Trinity

My face hurts, from Hollywoods latest 50 million dollar money shot being fired directly into my eyes. The proud Blade Trilogy has ended in a fiery ash-covered mess that would make Mr. Wizard knock his bottle of corrosive acid off the Bunsen burner and into the face of a retarded kid standing nearby. Why Mr. Wizard you ask? Because the pure lack of science behind the visual gadgetry and science defying tools put to use to kill ˜vampires who are apparently just gun powder filled party favors who detonate at the slightest touch of metal or a well aimed punch. I dont know about you¦ but last I checked vampires were supposed to be scary not champagne poppers with sharp teeth who die by the thousands at the hands of even the most basically trained. They dont seem so scary any more. I will tell you one thing this movie will give me nightmares about, The Writers.

Now I realize that, on paper, gathering the screenplay writers from Babe: pig in the city, and Wes cravens ˜Look were killing things again “ And pulling half the effects crew off the set of ˜Jurassic Park 7: Theres a raptor in my coffee. Sounds like a grand idea. Like we could have the baddest vampires and the coolest catch phrases EVER! Unfortunately this is not the case. Let me begin the laundry list of fallacies included in the (hopefully) final episode in the Blade Saga.

1: Boomerang or Man-Hack?

The Blade toys have gotten more and more silly every time. There are bullets with little springs on them that glow and shoot doilies made of UV Smegma of course. And The classic 74 pound pistols to fire them. Along with what appears to be a knife-whip. Which while in theory sounds really cool, and visually impressive is something the ninja turtles would turn their heads and cough at seeing. Im sorry, I know its based on a comic book, but you cant SHOOT a knife attached to a cord made of fire and whip it around you in 24 foot arc to return back to its original position of +7 vs Vampire Todd McFarlane Knife. The next offender though, is the ˜boomerang which I put in quotes as it shares no aerodynamic similarities to an object, that when thrown, that will return to its starting point In fact, it looks like a Yomega brain yo-yo painted silver with 2 pairing knives glued to it. And I know what youre thinking, I bet you could throw that and have it come right back to you! Shutup you physics failing fucktards. There is a lovely scene where this thrown ˜item flies through 13 vampires in sharp triangular arc that also elevates 10 feet and is easily caught. Suffering no apparent kinetic loss of energy by sawing through a bakers dozen of the undead. This is not good science.

2: Evolution is a piece of shit

What else is bad science? The line from the movie, and heres the actual quote: This guy has never had to evolve, hes perfect! No, no, no, bad writers, BAD! Lets put this in perspective and follow evolution backwards for a couple million years. Where did all life form? Assumedly from slimy green algae that asexually split apart and thought slimy little thoughts, with no apparent blood sucking tendencies. However, apparently there is a Vampire algae That can split into 2 microbes that look life fangs and eat the particles out of other innocent baby microbes that cannot defend themselves against this perfect being. And the bad guy of this movie is apparently made of algae, as he has ˜never had to evolve “ Goddammit! Im spitting on my monitor and trying to read my words through a fiery haze of burning hatred for screenplay writers that shit on script paper and make millions of dollars for shaping the turds into pretty pretty words! Who evolves dramatically in their own life-span? Who would ˜never have to evolve?? And since when did the ugliest shape changing demon with detachable jaws and a big hard-on for melodramatic armor get called The perfect Being???? I hate every one of you.

3: A little experiment

Heres a thought, turn on your oven as high as it will possibly go (400-500 FahrenheitI assume) and let it sit there for a good hour. Then open the door to the oven and Jam as much of your body inside as possible as if the grim reaper himself were ass raping you into it. Now how does that feel? A LITTLE HOT! There is a scene from the movie where they pull out what would seem to the untrained eye to be a “ Transforming non-functional bow made of Blue fire “ While I was immediately, in my foolish brain, assuming that this must be a laser cutter of some sort, and it seems to slice through vampies pretty quick and easy. Simple, done deal. Right? RIGHT? No! This unnamed DOOM weapon is described as a UV beam that is HALF AS HOT AS THE SUN Now, from our earlier experiment and the consequent 7 months of physical therapy, we have discovered that hot things are hot. And why, oh lord above, why, this device, upon activation, does NOT kill every living thing within a 7000 mile radius, I dont know. This concentrated blue beam was invented by people who had never been to THIS website, as even from the Astronomy for kids guide book will tell us, that the sun, at its center is 27,000,000, let me spell this TWENTY-SEVEN-MILLION degrees Fahrenheit. Making this Hand Held cutting device a calm, cool, 13.5 million degree pocket sized arc welder. Now my assumption is that the introduction of this doomsday device would be the swift and merciful end of an already vomit inducing movie. Alas, no, this device is simply swung around occasionally at a few baddies and quickly put away.

4: Im covered in flaming dust

Now couple all these wonderful factoids with dialogue written by a dyslexic turtle with a bachelors degree in bullshit. And a crew of actors that while lacking any real talent, sure look nice with their shits off. This includes the model cum Ninja girl (Jessica Biel) that they threw in so they could have a shower scene that didnt involve Wesley snipes naked black ass grinding against Kris Kristoffersons walking corpse, as the man has now reached the ripe age of 244 years old! The only saving grace of ˜actors in this moving picture was Ryan Reynolds, who is basically Jason Lee, if Jason Lee lived in a gym made of steroids and had sex appeal instead of just gnomish charm. His painful humor kept the movie interesting at parts where Parker Poseys hair kept trying to eat the camera and simultaneously close her open-front skirts as even Demon hair couldnt stand THAT sight. In conclusion, Just about every single object and person in this movie explodes into steaming hunks of flaming debris and dirt, this includes the script.

On a side note, I heartily recommend seeing this movie as an alternative to Ramming as many heated ball bearings into your ass as possible while running over broken glass covered in anthrax into the gaping maw of Parkey Poseys 200 year old snatch.