Super Mario (The Real Story)
All the problems of a mustachioed Italian plumber and his plucky brother don’t amount to a hill of mushrooms in this mixed up crazy world. We’ve all watched Mario break countless bricks, collect billions of coins and generally roll around in the spotlight while Luigi cries and masturbates to 8-bit photos of Princess Peaches’ snatch in the darkest dives in Mushroom Kingdom… But how much do we actually KNOW about Mario, and what makes him SUPER anyway? Why does Luigi get shunted to the side despite his obvious jumping superiority (SMB2!)? We’re here to tell you, all the things you didn’t know about SUPER MARIO
1. Drug Problems
Many have watched little Mario suddenly devour a mushroom and become HUGE with power, have seen him stomp countless bad guys in the face and break millions of bricks with his fists, head, and even ass. Does NO ONE question this? This man has a problem! When he’s not so whacked out on PCP feeling no pain from endlessly slamming his hands and feet into blocks of solid BRICK, he’s dressed up as a Bee, Raccoon, Frog, or Frenchman like he’s on his way to a god-damned mascot orgy. When you can get him somewhat normal he’s eating mushrooms almost as big as HE IS and growing tremendously overweight from an extreme overdose of hallucinogenic mushrooms. This man is the cultural icon for a billion people worldwide and he does more drugs than 28 clones of Keith Richards at the Playboy Mansion. There is something very wrong with idolizing what is essentially an un-killable drug-addled plumber.
2. Money, where does it all go?
Along with poor Mario’s plight in other arenas his finances aren’t what they used to be either. Despite endlessly collecting gigantic gold coins from countless locations around the globe, Mario is forced to make sequel after sequel just to simply “Pay The Bills”. But why? From a single game alone he must collect millions of points and coins right? Wrong. Nintendo
is the Columbia Records of the video game industry, sometimes giving their main characters as little as 10 percent of net profits from a successful title (this was especially bad during the 64′ era, when there WERE no successes). He’s lucky to walk away with enough points to make a mortgage on a castle thats plagued with fungus and portals to hell. Couple this with his lifestyle choices of drugs, dating princesses and the collateral damage levied against him by the Peoples Republic of Mushroom Kingdom (or PRMK) for blowing up national monuments and 1000 year old castles. He is also racked up more than 4 billion in fines from the WildLife Preservation Society for Endangered Enemies (WPSEE) for decimating the natural balance of innocent goombas and turtles, his request for leinancy was denied due to his excessive cruelty in kicking most of the dead turtles carcasses across great distances for fun and profit.
3. Love Life – Hardly
Throughout most of his career Mario has endlessly chased brides across the world and back, following one princess after another. Bailing them out of prisons, dungeons and tough situations. However each year the princess is captured or lost again, or Mario is called out to solve some other horrible crisis like re-aligning the planets or resurrecting dead stars which can go on for MONTHS. It doesn’t leave a lot of time for the good life. His marriage is a shambles due to the fact that he is physically incapable of having children, exacerbated by his long-time friend and prolific breeder, Yoshi. Peach was never happy with their situation, but when you’re an oft-kidnapped child of privilege you can only take things as they come. She’s had several affairs with his arch-nemesis Bowser and even some rumored flings with Koopa from the 90’s. So with a life riddled with lies and deceit he walks a lonesome road.
4. Bad Company
But what about his friends? Stalwart and with him to the end? Not true. Mario has had several falling-outs with his ne’er do well brother Luigi to the point where they no longer speak and often compete against each other in dangerous Kart Races. His other long-time friend Toad has moved on with his life and only comes out of retirement and recluse for the occasional cameo and then its back to the farm. Yoshi is often cited as Mario’s best friend but anyone close enough to see their repartee first hand will tell you that a single attack from an enemy will send Yoshi fleeing the scene like a panicked schoolgirl and will have to be physically captured and restrained to help again. He was also admonished not to see Yoshi again by his agent after it was discovered that Yoshi’s egg throwing ways had labeled him “Pro-Abortion”.
In conclusion, the revered rock-star of video games does not lead the life of luxury we’d all like to believe he does. His past is riddled with bad graphics, lame bosses, a brief addiction to side-scrolling porn, and the personal train wreck that was Mario Sunshine. His new game “Super Mario Galaxy” is due out soon and we can only hope that this aging and much put-upon hero can rise to the challenge, find his lost whore of a princess, and kick some serious ass. Here’s to you Mario.