The Plot to Duke Nukem Forever
There is a man standing at a desk, with his hands pushed flat and hard against the mahogany wood. His gaze is steely and his lips are drawn into a tight line.
“Allright guys, here’s the plot to Duke Nukem Forever”
“Finally!” The coder from 3dRealms thinks to himself.
They’ve been preparing and tweaking and updating for years and years but no one up until this point, had painted the full picture. Finally here it was, from the mouth of the big man himself.
“Okay, we’ve all waited a long time for this, but I had to wait until the technology was right, it goes down like this…”
Every eye was glued to him, every ear strained to hear every detail of his vision.
“Duke nukem walks onto a black background and lights a cigar, and then he puts the cigar out on a kids face, oh, there’s a kid there too, but he’s just there to get burned. Anyway. He kicks the kid out of the screen and pulls down his pants, then there’s a huge glow coming from his crotch. The camera zooms in and its revealed that the entire game takes place inside his balls. Then the world comes into focus and he’s fighting inside a giant vagina and his gun is so huge that it literally takes up three quarters of the screen. Every time he fires the gun a naked woman flies out and slams into his enemies at supersonic speed. Every single enemy will be different, each one will be nude spread-eagled flying-angel version of a playboy playmate from the last 30 years, in perfect photo-realistic detail.
After he fights through the vagina level, his gun overheats and he is forced to use his fists. The next round of enemies are womens liberation protesters outside an abortion clinic he punches and beats his way through the crowd and every single blow landed sends up a massive volcano of blood and each corpse will be littered with photo-realistic bruises copied from real domestic abuse videos. As he nears the abortion clinic he finds his next weapon. It’s a combination chainsaw, dildo, flamethrower, baby launcher. And he proceeds to shoot flaming babies through the acres of screaming women’s libbers. Then he kicks in the door to the abortion clinic and its actually an abortion disco, where thousands of strippers are having a satanic orgy and they’ll all stuck together. So the next enemies become groups of swingers who are attached to each other by their genitals and kamikaze run at Duke with their appendages flailing. He’ll make short work of them with the Baby-launcher but he’ll run out of ammo. That’s when he punches through a fish tank to reveal the secret switch that opens the abortion factory. He steals all the aborted fetuses and jams them into his weapon to re-load and starts really giving hell to the swinger-mutants.”
“Um Sir” the technicians hand went up tentatively
“Now just let me finish Kevin…” The exec waves his hand absent-mindedly
“My name isn’t”
He is interrupted
“So! Level Three is actually a giant metal bald eagle but like 30 miles wide in real-time dimensions so it takes like seven hours to go from wing to wing, and you fight your way forward through a field of land mines and you take steroids so that you rip apart your enemies with your teeth for the entire level. All the enemies are mimes that shoot rainbow bazookas that turn you gay. If you’re hit by one of the gay-rays your vision turns black and white and you speak every line with a lisp. The only way to reverse the gayness is to swallow viagra bottles whole or pick up copies of “Cheri” that are strewn about the level. For a boss you actually swing below the eagle and castrate him with an ice-cream scooper made of uranium that’s attached to his beak.”
Now several hands go up, they seem more insistent.
“I know! I know!! You’re all excited, but wait for the finale! The final level is where duke nukem gets shrunk into a tiny size, and he actually climbs inside his own gun and into a bullet, and it gets fired and he spends the whole level inside a bullet fighting microscopic aliens that are all transvestites and they crap in their hands and throw it at you. The real coup-de-grace is, that you have to beat the level before the bullet hits paris hiltons face, but you don’t want to save her!! So you just stay alive long enough to the let the bullet hit her and then you blow back up to normal size, but while you’re inside paris hiltons ass and you make her explode from the force of growing back to full size and then you start doing push ups in her entrails while the credits roll. Oh yeah and the entire soundtrack is the Metallica “Black” Album but re-mixed into house music.”
“Sir! I really…”
He awakes from his fevered reverie long enough to point vaguely at one of the developers…
“Sir…. I’m at a loss, even if we were able to do all this stuff, we haven’t been working on this for the past 8 years, we’re using the Unreal 2 Engine, this is in such bad taste that I’m pretty positive we’ll get banned, and you’re only talking about roughly four levels, that could be completed in less than a few hours. Also, there’s no plot, no connection between one area and the next, most of that doesn’t make sense, and I think you’re drunk”
His eyes are wide in surprise, the executives mouth opens and closes a few times with no sound coming out…
“Well I uh..”
The Young Technician continues “Furthermore, I think you’ve been giving everyone busy work while you play the original Duke Nukem in your office all day, and this is the first indication of a plot that we’ve had in eight years and its so bad that it sounds like you just made it up on the spot. You give no concept of reality and completely ignore the capabilities of the system we’re forced to work in, and you made everyone come in on their day off and you ordered pizza but all of the pizza is locked in your office, you’re not wearing pants, and I for one am sick of this shit… I’m leaving!”
The technician storms out, and the executive dismisses the rest of the crew for the weekend, assuring them that we’ll “Start Fresh” on Monday morning. The rest of the crew shrugs and walks back to their cars, with dazed looks on their faces. The executive walks back into his office and starts eating pizza, he waits until the building is completely empty, and then he shoves the pizza boxes aside to reveal a large diagram written on top of the desk. It reads,
Employees confused into leaving: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Employees scared into leaving: XXXXXXXX
Employees that have a nervous breakdown: XXXXX
He carefully scratches another X into the top row and taps his pencil with an amused look on his face.