by ·Comments Off on Reaching the Singularity

Stray

yeah, I think it can die

Adam

So can we all

Stray

I’m pretty sure we will

Adam

I plan on not

I’m hoping the singularity will come before I die

I need to upload my consciousness Rei, the world needs me

Stray

hey that’s my goal too

but also only if my actual conciousness can be uploaded, not just a clone of it. I want it to actually be me. Not a copy and the original me dies

so they need to work that out first

Adam

I think that’s semantic

the only difference there is that you Get killed vs die naturally

Stray

yes and no

like, I want THIS ME to continue

*I* want to continue

Adam

Yeah but if it’s a perfect copy?

Stray

that’s nice for the copy but this is about selfish survival instinct

a copy is basically progeny

I want literal immortality – not immortality through offspring

Adam

Let’s put it this way, if you had 1 year to live and you could copy yourself now but you would transfer to the net, your body would collapse and die. Vs You can copy yourself and your body can keep going for another year ?

Stray

No that’s the thing i don’t care about my body

if I could upload my mind right now

I would do it but I want it to be the *me* that I am

not a copy of me with my memories

not a duplicate

Adam

A perfect copy wouldn’t be progeny, that would just be a copy. You’re not creating ‘something’ with your traits you’re copying ALL your traits, progeny by nature is not a perfect copy

Stray

do you get what I mean?

I want THIS self to survive

like…

you know in The Sixth Day

Adam

I think a perfect copy would read to you as ‘this’ self

you’re arnold shwarzenegger? Or Johnny cab?

Stray

and the clone THINKS he is the original, he has all the same thoughts and memories and impulses

Adam

Well yeah, but that assumes that the clone is kept ignorant of his origin. Which honestly could be fine

Stray

but he is NOT the original

this isn’t about the clone

this is about the original

as the original

Adam

What if they arranged it so they erased your memory for a week (for example) so you think you just had a car accident and woke back up in a body that doesn’t age

Stray

I want MY consciousness to continue

like, i am fine with being seperated from my meat sack

as long as it is a continuation of my own conciousness, not a copy that thinks it is

Adam

Put another way, I think a ‘perfect’ copy of your conciousness bothers you because you just want to be unique and one of a kind, but I think there’s MORE immortality in having like 12 Rei’s

Personally I would have a Rei-Bot

with some general tweaks to our sex life

Stray

I don’t want to be one of the Hugh Jackmans from the Prestige

Adam

that reminds me I need to watch prestige again

Stray

I have no attachment to this host

but I want to continue as myself, not to stop existing and have a different version of myself start

I am tied to the me

Adam

But literally you could NOT know

we could arrange it so you’re not aware of being a copy

Stray

no that’s the point

it wouldn’t be ME that wasn’t aware of being a copy

it would be a copy that wouldn’t be aware of being a copy

Adam

Here at fictional cloning singularity enterprises, we get this question a lot. We have a money back guarantee that if at any point you experience an existential crisis you will be refunded in total and given a free tote bag

Stray

it’s well handled in that episode of Black Mirror

Adam

It’s a really nice tote bag

Stray

there’s never any question that it’s them

Adam

Like leather with an embossed logo, it’s not cheap

Stray

can I get the tote bag anyway

Adam

I mean… with a trial maybe? Like we clone you up to age 15 and you can hang out with teenage Rei for a while…

Stray

I want black mirror style consciousness upload or nothing

Adam

Listen ma’am i know what you’ve seen on the holovids seems very real but I assure you it’s total flights of fancy.

the act of cloning is indeed dirty and messy and imperfect, however we have this amazing tote bag

it’s not any additional cost and can easily hold a weekends worth of clothes

Stray

give me the tote bag and gtfo

Adam

I’ve actually decided that I love this tote bag, and I will likely quit my job today, even thought that means giving up my immortality, as this tote bag has inspired me to be a bolder and more courageous person

by ·Comments Off on IM-PROV: Cthulhu’s Keeper

SicSemper: Yeah, plan theta is going smoothly.
WeaselBringer: I thought this was gamma?! Turn off the electric fence the land-squids must be terrified!!
SicSemper: Good god man! There is ink everywhere!?
WeaselBringer: Well part of the land-dwelling transformation requires that several of their glands be… well enhanced in order to handle the new strain
WeaselBringer: This new species can shoot ink over 50 feet and in amounts of near 2-3 liters
WeaselBringer: There’s a little game we play with them and a bulls eye, you know what, it’s not important
SicSemper: I am FULLY aware of what their glands can do! Their paddock looks like a Goddamned Rorschach.
WeaselBringer: That’s actually jenkins fault sir, he’s on cleanup
SicSemper: And do you know how much that ink was worth? Oh Jenkins, I love that we can use him as a scapegoat.
SicSemper: Is he still mad about missing part of his pinky after the whole “touch their beak” thing?
WeaselBringer: I’ve asked him several times and he simply refuses to go back in, despite measures taken to retrieve the pinky, he’s very sullen
WeaselBringer: I’ll have his pay cut until he goes back in the pen…
SicSemper: That boy does love his squids.
SicSemper: How is their skeletal modifications coming?
WeaselBringer: Most of them can use their newfound agility to draw rudimentary shapes, however the leader, whom we’ve taken to calling “Nero” has mastered his limbs to an alarming degree, he appears to be teaching himself brazilian jujitsu
WeaselBringer: we’re flying in an expert to confirm
SicSemper: Good. And they seem to be at…peace?
WeaselBringer: Oh … I wouldn’t say that sir
WeaselBringer: Most of them due to glandular problems seem to be extremely anxious or um… how to say this
WeaselBringer: Sexually active
SicSemper: Ah…
WeaselBringer: both Johnson and Mackenzie have been hospitalized twice
WeaselBringer: and nurse Flora had to have an abortion last week, not quite sure how that one worked….
SicSemper: The extra holes in the walls don’t seem so ridiculous now, eh?
SicSemper: I was worried about cross breeding.
WeaselBringer: I can’t see how you knew, but yes it’s quite amazing.
WeaselBringer: Any other species we’ve introduced them to has not survived the process, so thus far, except for Nurse Flora, god help her; nobody can conceive
SicSemper: Let’s go ahead and drop a whale in there, ALIVE. Give them something to tear apart. Remove Flora from the premises, do a full genome break down of her DNA. I have an idea…yes.
SicSemper: Let’s start “Nero” on video stimulation. Start streaming the first three seasons of “Fraiser” on loop.
WeaselBringer: I’ll take care of the details sir, but we have the other… issue
SicSemper: And that is?
WeaselBringer: The hybrid you requested has some major problems
SicSemper: Hmmm?
WeaselBringer: It’s gained speech and seems to think it’s Cthulhu the forgotten god, and to be fair it is an uncanny resemblence.
WeaselBringer: Now it’s exhibiting strange powers and I suspect that it is telepathically controlling it’s handlers
WeaselBringer: it’s nearly been set loose a dozen times and has increased it’s own feeding schedule to 10 times it’s initial program for food supply
SicSemper: Excellent.
WeaselBringer: Sir? It seems like it’s barely containable and it has grown to gargantuan proportions
SicSemper: Okay listen carefully
SicSemper: Start emitting low frequencies into the paddock. That will shake it’s telepathic control.
SicSemper: It’s appetite is ravenous, I know.
SicSemper: Drop in a half ton of organic kale. This will cause stomach blockage and discomfort, but it will eat it anyway.
SicSemper: Jenkins was the one to hatch him, so get him there now, covered in ink if need be. If Jenkins does not die immediately then we keep the subject, otherwise incinerate it.
WeaselBringer: I will have Jenkins brought by force if necessary sir
WeaselBringer: the kale will be hard to get in this season but I’ll do what I can
WeaselBringer: Sir, if I may ask, what is the … Goal of the “Old Gods” project? We haven’t seen a briefing or anything
SicSemper: Space exploration. We are going to the stars. We are going to shape the cosmos. We are going to fix this world. We shall show them all the WAYS THEY WERE WRONG! WE SHALL PROVE WE ARE STRONGER THAN ANYONE ELSE! WE SHALL PROVE TO SHARON THAT THIS WASN’T AN OBSESSION!
WeaselBringer: Sir, you’re.. hurting me
WeaselBringer: please let go
SicSemper: Ahem…sorry I forget myself.
WeaselBringer: Who is Sharon?
SicSemper: Who?
WeaselBringer: You said we’ll prove to sharon
SicSemper: Did I?
SicSemper: It’s not important.
WeaselBringer: As you say sir
WeaselBringer: Um, I really have to find Jenkins he’s usually trying to hang himself about now
SicSemper: Okay soldier.
SicSemper: Let him know, his father is proud of him.
WeaselBringer: You’re his…. Oh my god
– FIN –

by ·Comments Off on What John Did Last Night

Vincent: Is John with you?

Adam: Yes

Vincent: I just wanted to make sure he’s not in jail

Adam: Yes but we’re leaving for Mexico because of “the incident”

Vincent: Allright, I’m forwarding 3000 pesos to his account, I’ve got a glock and three passports in a lockbox under the name “Jason Bourne”

Adam: Way ahead of you. I need a nice tie and an iron clad alibi, along with a history of the royal lineage of Spain… also a band-aid

Vincent: Okay, he’s a small business owner, uhh he hires ex convicts to make clothes for the homeless… Sweaters for Smiles

Adam: Great rent a storefront and tear the sleeves off a denim jacket. Claim it’s been that way forever and put as much fake blood on the driveway as you can buy.

Adam: Johnny’s going to beat this one, and no dead hooker will say otherwise.

Vincent: Hmm, she needed to die for the greater good.

Adam: She would have wanted it this way, in her own – screamy, locked in the trunk way – She’s a true patriot

Vincent: She’s a trooper, set for a better place, Hell?

Adam: Well to be honest it’s a shallow grave by the old wrecking yard – but in spirit, sure.

Vincent: She would have wanted it that way, it’s in her will. I had it forged and all her earnings are entrusted to us.

Adam: How much do you think we’re looking at? Enough to buy a new face and a sturdy camping tent?

Vincent: Maybe the tent and a fourth of the surgery.

Adam: Good enough, we will convene at point ‘Bravo’ and then meet later at point ‘shallow grave where the hooker is’ also – remind me to rename that point.

Vincent: Done, see you back in the world.

 

Fin

 

(PS: An Actual Text Conversation)

by ·Comments Off on Metaphorical Conversation

Adam: love
Rachel: bitter indifference
Adam: questionable caring?
Rachel: airy dismissal
Adam: intense mood swing
Adam: snarky comment about dismissal
Rachel: failure to notice snak due to absorbtion in self
Rachel: *snark
Adam: tangent about bad childhoold
Rachel: Eyes rolled out of your line of sight and internal monologue about whiners
Adam: sudden angry outburst
Adam: comment about your similarities to your mother
Rachel: superior irritated condemnation of your overreaction
Adam: softly spoken threat
Rachel: amusement at your dramatics
Adam: physical damage to nearby wall
Adam: rapid apology
Adam: barely contained tears
Rachel: put-upon sigh, grudging tending of bleeding fist
Adam: long winded explanation of terrible day
Adam: expression of appreciation
Rachel: scratched head and suggestion of trip to place that supplies over-suggared coffee drinks
Rachel: Christian side-hug
Adam: awkard boob grope
Adam: resigned acceptance
Adam: happy metaphor
Rachel: rant on trite cliches
Adam: ass-slap
Adam: new view on life
Rachel: Jaded view on life
Adam: sad realization
Adam: -fin-
Adam: THE END

by ·Comments Off on How Sex is Like Pizza…

Adam: Did you know sex is like pizza?

Rachel : You can get them both from pizza delivery boys, if porn is to be believed

Rachel : what else….um….

Adam: even when it’s bad it’s still pretty good

Rachel : sometimes they can be a little crusty

Adam: Plus your friends won’t mind when you force it on them

Rachel : Everyone thinks THEIRS is the best

Rachel : Can be enjoyed with meat, without meat or with all meat

Rachel : the worse it is for you, the more you enjoy it

Adam: If you have too much you just roll around in pain for a few hours?

Adam: 6 of you can enjoy it, or just by yourself

Rachel : it’s good for breakfast

Adam: sometimes if you have it at your office, your coworkers get mad or jealous

Rachel : well, if you are having it at work, everybody wants some

Adam: it’s condoned by congress for kids at school….?

Adam: (that was topical)

Rachel : hahaha

Adam: After it gets split more than 4 ways it gets awkward and nobody gets enough ?

Rachel : It can burn your mouth if you have it straight out of the oven?

Rachel : no…that one doesn’t really work

Rachel : though, true in either case

Adam: still works

Adam: it’s not good to try to get it all in your mouth at once?

Adam: … I take that one back

Adam: It’s the meaty treat that can’t be beat?

Rachel : sometimes it dribbles down your chin but you dont really care?

Adam: Sometimes you shamefully order it over the phone at night?

Rachel : that one made me giggle out loud

Rachel : sometimes you can add things to it that should be really weird but just make it better?

Rachel : the ability to have it delivered to your home is a sign that you live in a civilized world?

Adam: it never turns out the same when you make it yourself?

 Rachel : it’s weird if you add pineapple

Adam: It’s popular at birthday parties?

 

Add your own in the comments now!

by ·Comments Off on The Bag of Dicks is Half Full?

Adam: SUCK A BAG OF DICKS
Kyle: well
Kyle: ill suck on the bag
Kyle: but not the dicks themselves
Adam: okay but it’s leaking
Adam: it’s a paper bag
Kyle: so, youre telling me
Adam: and overly full
Adam: it wasn’t well thought out
Kyle: that this paper bag
Kyle: what is it leaking?
Adam: all I’m saying is that you’re not getting off light here, by choosing just the bag
Adam: it doesn’t matter
Adam: you’ve agreed
Kyle: no it does
Kyle: and i will simply suck the top of the paper bag
Adam: This is a bag, that contains dicks, the state of the bag or the dicks was not in question
Adam: we have an agreement sir
Adam: honestly the top isn’t a whole lot better
Adam: these have been in my car for weeks
Adam: This won’t end well for you
Kyle: well, the leaking of said dicks would have occurred down and towards the bottom of the back
Kyle: if it was full enough to make the top wet
Kyle: the bag would have tipped over
Kyle: so one side of the bag would be relativley dry
Adam: I can see where your glimmer of hope comes from, but these have been sliding all around and quite frankly decomposing for some time, there no safe area of the bag
Adam: you won’t enjoy this
Adam: regardless of your positional pandering
Kyle: im just saying, unless you took your pos sedan off roading, it wouldnt have bounced around enough to actually defial the sid eof the back facing up
Adam: ok, I’ll just say it
Adam: the bag is wet
Kyle: and road driving would not have knocked all of the dicks out
Adam: mighty wet
Kyle: so
Adam: and it’s filled to capacity
Adam: this is going to be tragic
Kyle: they would have weighted down the bag enough to not get one side wet
Kyle: i think, based upon my perfectly logical reasoning above
Adam: I admire your positive outlook
Kyle : that you, sir, are a liar
Adam: however, this is bound to be something that will be a terrible experience fo ryou
Kyle: not to mention the fact that
Kyle: if the bag was as wet as you say
Kyle: it would have fallen apart due to the weight of the dicks inside
Kyle: and, therefore, would no longer be a bag of dicks
Adam: it’s barely a bag of dicks
Kyle: see, now youre changing your story
Adam: I think the act of simply trying to hold it
Adam: will be your downfall
Adam: It’s numerous dicks in a container, of sorts, let’s stop debating semantics
Adam: look I’ll just go get it and let you handle it any way you want
Kyle: but the sematics are the crux of the argument
Adam: you can even throw them away when you’re done
Kyle: based upon your previous statments, there is no way a paper container of any kind could have stood up to the abuse you are implying it was taking
Adam: You’re making it the crux, the crux of MY argument is that your mouth will contact this package that I will soon deliver to you at high speed
Adam: it’s a sturdy butcher paper bag
Kyle: even sturdy butcher paper degrades overtime
Adam: but they’re not indestructible
Adam: have you ever purchased a lot of pork at once?
Kyle: and weeks of decompoasing dicks
Kyle: oh yes
Adam: the bag will be intact enough for you to at least begin the journey of suckage on which you’ve agreed to undertake
Adam: the fellowship of kyle and his back suckage will at the very least leave rivendell
Adam: but I doubt you’ll get to mordor if I can continue the the metaphor
Kyle: the bag will fall apart during its inital transit to be presented to me, which is basicaly saying, using your previous analogy, that the bag wont make it out of the lonely mountain
Kyle: err metaphor
Adam: I will use all delicacy to make sure what remains of the bag will be intact enough for you to begin your no-doubt dangerous journey into bag-end-suckage
Adam: Bag-end being both a hobbit joke and physical reference to the part of the bag in question
Kyle : i still reject your suposition that the bag will be intact enough to still be considered a bag and, therefore, would not be a bag of dicks, which voids our inital argreement
Adam: We will find out sir! To the CAR!
Adam: (the end)
Kyle: this has gotten entirely too silly