This is a continuation of “Stupid Video Game Plots” which focused on the odd and generic storylines that are so deeply embedded in video game plots.
1. Silent Protaganist (…)
In many games the hero of the game is made to represent you. Since the game doesn’t know what you’re going to say it simply leaves the dialogue of your character blank and empty. For one this is a cheap cop-out for not having to write the dialogue of a MAIN character, and for two, the picture this draws in my mind is almost unbearable. Picture this: Since you provide your characters dialogue, the game writers must assume that you’re literally talking out loud to your video game vainly trying to “play your part”.
So I can just picture a pudgy 14 year old with a controller wedged into his hands, screaming at the tv “NO WAY!” or “That was my bag of gold you theiving elf-creature!” or “No dad please don’t die of your vicious dragon wounds”. Case in point, what we will come up with probably won’t be as good as the writers of the game, so you should just write the fucking main character and stop calling laziness “immersion” because the only time I’m yelling at the TV is when I’m drunk and calling mario a fucking jizz-mopper for over shooting that last power-up. And I don’t think that’s plot related.
2. Rock Collecting
Sigh, oh video games, how you’ve wronged me. Does this sound familiar? “In order to defeat the evil and gigantic dragon/fish/talking-tree/demon/politician you will have to run ALL around the fucking world and pick up an assload of pieces of crystal/rock/magic-beans” Yeah. I figured. There are so many games where the goal is dead ahead, right in front of you, THERE’s the bad guy, let’s go kick his ass.
But a straight path to the bad guy does not a long game make (in the words of asshole yoda). So rather than pounding on some slimes and leveling up and punching big baddie in the face. You’ve got to travel the world (inevitably by foot, then canoe, then boat, then airship, then teleportation that’s poorly explained) on a long-winded quest for some power crystals or whatever.
This ALWAYS accomplishes one of two things. Either they’re so powerful that the bad guy wants them, and he steals them and you fail, and you have to defeat him anyway, which means this whole trip was pointless. OR you do get the crystal and they bond into a magical mcdonalds toy of powerful magick, which then proceeds to do absolutely nothing except to actually LET YOU fight the last boss, but last i checked you never actually throw the fucking crystals at him or anything, so what was the point?
3. None at all?
How many people know the story of Tetris? No not the made up one you had in your brain, the actual story. None of you, because there is none, but puzzle games are too easy. There is a countless number of games with almost no plot or none at all. Sure some games throw you the sword of smiting and send you off to the red dragon’s lair. But seriously. What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On….
Far too many games sit on the fact that they MADE a game and decided a plot was overworking the concept. Even some high level A-list games give the illusion of depth but it’s not until the very end that you realize the obtuse character development NEVER coalesced… Have you ever finished game and went “Wait… what? that’s it?” Basically if the game companies have gotten you to buy it, and maybe even finish it, their work is done. Who cares who killed professor plum or why you’ve been chasing your evil anthropormorphic homo-twin across the galaxy, you win, end of story. Come on guys, who keeps writing this crap?
4. Do it for Love, or whatever
So many times the love of your life is snatched away, your sweetheart is in peril, and the girl you just got the nerve to ask out is kidnapped by cyborg parrots that spit lasers. (that would be cool). But I think that battling across the whole of existence into the heart of hell/mordor/france/mushroom kingdom had better warrant a fine shiny piece of ass. If this bitch isn’t the LOVE of your LIFE why would you do all of this? Nobody is that nice. Plus half the time it’s just some girl you like, or are supposed to love, but there’s no real reason? Is she a world class chef with a blowjob addiction? Does she shit diamonds and do windows? Why is this girl worth fighting for? Why do you love her, or the character. I’ve done some damn near suicidal things for sex, but these games take the concept to a whole new level. Plus sex is never mentioned. Unless that black they’re always scrolling behind the credits is actually part of a censored bar covering up the worlds greatest orgy…
Long story short, there are people whose WHOLE job is create a plot and a story and they fail miserably. But I guess it doesn’t matter, after all, World of Warcraft is like the jesus of gaming and to the best of my knowledge the entire plot consists of “Go fetch me these apples/horseshoes/skulls/coins etc. and I’ll give you a piece of armor I can’t use anyway” Truly this is the stuff of epic legend. I can imagine why these stories will be told throughout the ages, about you, the retarded dwarf errand-boy who fetched things and became really good at mining. Yeah, that’s entertaining.