COFFEE: As I drank a cappuccino too quickly today I felt my mind fly ever-deeper into the void. Past the microscopic, the sub-atomic, the quantum-theoretical. Beyond infinitive where non-euclidean geometry forms. Where brain weasels reign supreme from thrones made of frosted glass and old homework from the 5th grade that nobody ever bothered to read. Where Tamagotchi go when they die again.

Hence all decisions and a total lack thereof became one and the same and everything I could and would accomplish in the span of a relative time stream became the ultimate and complete lack of any relevant product or result. Meaning that by doing nothing I was doing everything.

As I sat and pondered this I thought of a snippet of poetry, a clever version of chess, a passive aggressive greeting that will really show that guy by the water cooler he’s not amusing, a hilarious and offensive innuendo that ended up being a triple entendre, and what an inside-out origami monster would look like. After the quick glance at the clock I realized that 0.0005 seconds had passed, the cup is still in my hands, the coffee on it’s way to my mouth, the liquid sloshing inevitably toward my psyche.

I am the light fantastic. I am the technicolor dreamcoat. I am the jester of the kingdom at the end of the universe and I smell like cinnamon forever from this day forth. I have decided. My will be done. It is so.#TooMuchCaffeine

Was getting over a cold/cough last week that was dragging me down. So I stopped drinking coffee and just focused on getting better for a while. So I got back to work today and picked up my first cup of coffee in a week.

WIZARDJUICE:: I can see light travel from one point to another. I can read the minds of office equipment and my stapler hates white people and staples, which is ironic. I can sense minute changes in air pressure from mosquitos that aren’t born yet. I am currently phase-shifting through various dimensions and each one is way more purple than the last. I feel like I could throw a giraffe through a Ford Escalade or vice-versa. My mind is currently planning it’s next 90 chess moves on an imaginary game with an AI it’s also developing in concurrent tandem. I can smell time passing…
(( I missed you coffee ))

I have an ongoing theory with Joe Krol that the movie Titanic is basically a story about torturing Bill Paxton by telling him a meandering 9 hour story about losing a girls virginity followed by throwing the culmination of his life’s work into the ocean in a romantic gesture / fuck-you to Bill. Long story short?
Rose is a terrible person who banged Jack, Stole a Priceless Weirdoel, refused to share a door that could have supported 3 people and let him freeze to death while she sat and watched, only to later ruin Bill Paxton’s life as well.

#TossTheWeirdoel #2PeoplePerDoor #PaxtonHate

So tired this morning, set the coffeemaker at work to strongest coffee. Then added a shot of espresso. I think i can read the thoughts of ants, and predict their credit scores for the next 27 lifetimes. I can see between molecules and smell time-travelers.

Oh Coffee, when will we just build an island out of grounds and live there forever trapped in a perfect minute?

So often is seems like common sense is dead. That in this world of warning labels not to stop a chainsaw with your genitals, that nothing is off the table. Why would people NEED instructions on basic human functionality? Please see Exhibit A: The Lowly Dance Floor.

the-lowly-dance-floor

While seemingly a benign place for people to dance, at a club or bar. It is in actuality a dangerous quagmire. A forbidden zone of social ineptitude and hapless failures. We’re not even going to touch the series of awful things that happen ON a dance floor, but more importantly, this is your guide, for humanity; on how to navigate a dance floor.

So you’re wondering, why? Why would I or anyone take the time to rant about how to get from one side of a dance floor to the other? Well Billy, (your name is billy for this article) you don’t seem to be able to understand physics, inertia, distance, crowds, and basic puzzle solving skills. In essence, you brought this on yourselves.

Tip Number 1: Don’t.

“Hey I wonder what’s over there!” Says Suzie Dickbrain, to her dyslexic friend Tandy.

“Let’s go find out and see if it’s cooler over there!” warbles Tandy with the tone of an AOL fax/modem.

“Excuse me ladies” comes the cool baritone of the narrator. The girls look up in slight fear and shock. The narration continues.

“Hey, the dance floor consists of a floor, with people dancing. The only thing on the other side of it, is people dancing. Possibly a bar. Basically this is not Magellan straight, this is not the newly unearthed pyramid of a dead prince. This is a club like every other club. You want to know what’s over there? NOTHING. Now shutup and dance.”

Suzie gives a look of disgust and turns to Tandy, grabbing her hand. “We’re leaving!” she shrieks. They set out across the dance floor and simultaneously trip on a broken shot glass and are mauled by wolverines in a sick grimy death.

The first step in figuring out how to cross a dance floor, is asking yourself whether or not you really need to get anywhere. Chances are, you don’t. The bathroom, the bar, the exit, these are all things that MIGHT justify crossing the dance floor or going somewhere. Everything else is your drunken hubris. Stop it.

Which brings us to –

Tip Number 2: Edges

So you’ve gone ahead and ignored the first 3 rules of fight club and you’re gonna cross that floor. You need to get from point A to point B. Correct?

point-a-to-point-b

Your tiny brain that evolved from monkeys (yes sorry, god made evolution to trick you), can’t do a lot of thinking. After all it’s noisy. So you spot your destination, 30 yards away and you set out to reach it. Your mind remembers 3rd grade math, where the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. So off you go, with a sense of rightness and correctness. 20 minutes later, you have pissed off roughly 1838 people, stepped on 40 sets of pumps, caught an elbow to the throat, spilled your drink and you still can’t find the bathroom. How, did this happen?

Well, despite the fact that, as the crow flies, a straight line would be the best idea. You are in no way a crow. Although you are technically an ape. Lesser known fact, the modernized ape-human hybrid, does NOT fly. Unless you are currently wearing the jetpack from Rocketeer (and if you are, call me), you have already failed this step.

You see, there’s one big problem. There’s a crowd. A full blown orgy of gyrating, sweating, happy people. Getting their goddamned funk on. They’re all in your way. How rude!? The secret here is “Edges” you see, people gather in the center of room. Deep down we’re all crowd driven, social miasmas of order and chaos. We congregate, we collect, we absorb. The path of the least resistance is in fact, around the crowd. Yes it’s longer, but yes it’s faster. It’s also roughly 3999 times less fucking annoying for everyone involved.

Tip Number 3: The Repercussions

As anyone at a crowded dance club or party can attest. You’re there probably to dance, drink, and have a good time. The only thing that could ruin this is if someone interferes with one of these 3 sacred goals. The only way anyone could interfere would be to literally physically stop you. Got it? So when you and your 3 cute friends tear off across the dance floor and push right through the middle. You are literally pushing human beings. You are jostling peoples drinks, you are invading peoples carefully chosen space. You are essentially hitting CTRL-Z on their fun. You Billy, are a complete dickwad.

Let’s do a pretty picture diagram:

diagram-crowd

As you can see here, there’s a way to fuck up everyone’s mojo and way to quietly get where you’re going.

So let’s do a quick review. 

  1. I need to cross the dance floor = No, you don’t. 
  2. No really I need the bathroom = okay go around. 
  3. No I’m an entitled prick and I want to just get what I want right now. I’m just gonna bust through the middle = WTF?
  4. Murder.

It’s really that simple. You are not important, you’re not more important than anyone else. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow the amount of people that would mourn you is less than the amount of people you offended last night. In essence, more people are happy that you’re dead, than upset that you’re not alive. You’ve already hit karmic overload.

People. Please. Next time you need to get from one side of a club, a bar, a dance floor, to the other. Just look for the path of LEAST resistance and be polite. The people who have already gotten there, that are having a good time and dancing. They don’t have an agenda, they’re just having fun. You swoop in your deadlines and your shitty friends and your frequent bathroom trips, you’re fucking up everyone’s Christmas. Go around, or better yet, shut up and dance.