IM-PROV: Cthulhu’s Keeper

SicSemper: Yeah, plan theta is going smoothly.
WeaselBringer: I thought this was gamma?! Turn off the electric fence the land-squids must be terrified!!
SicSemper: Good god man! There is ink everywhere!?
WeaselBringer: Well part of the land-dwelling transformation requires that several of their glands be… well enhanced in order to handle the new strain
WeaselBringer: This new species can shoot ink over 50 feet and in amounts of near 2-3 liters
WeaselBringer: There’s a little game we play with them and a bulls eye, you know what, it’s not important
SicSemper: I am FULLY aware of what their glands can do! Their paddock looks like a Goddamned Rorschach.
WeaselBringer: That’s actually jenkins fault sir, he’s on cleanup
SicSemper: And do you know how much that ink was worth? Oh Jenkins, I love that we can use him as a scapegoat.
SicSemper: Is he still mad about missing part of his pinky after the whole “touch their beak” thing?
WeaselBringer: I’ve asked him several times and he simply refuses to go back in, despite measures taken to retrieve the pinky, he’s very sullen
WeaselBringer: I’ll have his pay cut until he goes back in the pen…
SicSemper: That boy does love his squids.
SicSemper: How is their skeletal modifications coming?
WeaselBringer: Most of them can use their newfound agility to draw rudimentary shapes, however the leader, whom we’ve taken to calling “Nero” has mastered his limbs to an alarming degree, he appears to be teaching himself brazilian jujitsu
WeaselBringer: we’re flying in an expert to confirm
SicSemper: Good. And they seem to be at…peace?
WeaselBringer: Oh … I wouldn’t say that sir
WeaselBringer: Most of them due to glandular problems seem to be extremely anxious or um… how to say this
WeaselBringer: Sexually active
SicSemper: Ah…
WeaselBringer: both Johnson and Mackenzie have been hospitalized twice
WeaselBringer: and nurse Flora had to have an abortion last week, not quite sure how that one worked….
SicSemper: The extra holes in the walls don’t seem so ridiculous now, eh?
SicSemper: I was worried about cross breeding.
WeaselBringer: I can’t see how you knew, but yes it’s quite amazing.
WeaselBringer: Any other species we’ve introduced them to has not survived the process, so thus far, except for Nurse Flora, god help her; nobody can conceive
SicSemper: Let’s go ahead and drop a whale in there, ALIVE. Give them something to tear apart. Remove Flora from the premises, do a full genome break down of her DNA. I have an idea…yes.
SicSemper: Let’s start “Nero” on video stimulation. Start streaming the first three seasons of “Fraiser” on loop.
WeaselBringer: I’ll take care of the details sir, but we have the other… issue
SicSemper: And that is?
WeaselBringer: The hybrid you requested has some major problems
SicSemper: Hmmm?
WeaselBringer: It’s gained speech and seems to think it’s Cthulhu the forgotten god, and to be fair it is an uncanny resemblence.
WeaselBringer: Now it’s exhibiting strange powers and I suspect that it is telepathically controlling it’s handlers
WeaselBringer: it’s nearly been set loose a dozen times and has increased it’s own feeding schedule to 10 times it’s initial program for food supply
SicSemper: Excellent.
WeaselBringer: Sir? It seems like it’s barely containable and it has grown to gargantuan proportions
SicSemper: Okay listen carefully
SicSemper: Start emitting low frequencies into the paddock. That will shake it’s telepathic control.
SicSemper: It’s appetite is ravenous, I know.
SicSemper: Drop in a half ton of organic kale. This will cause stomach blockage and discomfort, but it will eat it anyway.
SicSemper: Jenkins was the one to hatch him, so get him there now, covered in ink if need be. If Jenkins does not die immediately then we keep the subject, otherwise incinerate it.
WeaselBringer: I will have Jenkins brought by force if necessary sir
WeaselBringer: the kale will be hard to get in this season but I’ll do what I can
WeaselBringer: Sir, if I may ask, what is the … Goal of the “Old Gods” project? We haven’t seen a briefing or anything
SicSemper: Space exploration. We are going to the stars. We are going to shape the cosmos. We are going to fix this world. We shall show them all the WAYS THEY WERE WRONG! WE SHALL PROVE WE ARE STRONGER THAN ANYONE ELSE! WE SHALL PROVE TO SHARON THAT THIS WASN’T AN OBSESSION!
WeaselBringer: Sir, you’re.. hurting me
WeaselBringer: please let go
SicSemper: Ahem…sorry I forget myself.
WeaselBringer: Who is Sharon?
SicSemper: Who?
WeaselBringer: You said we’ll prove to sharon
SicSemper: Did I?
SicSemper: It’s not important.
WeaselBringer: As you say sir
WeaselBringer: Um, I really have to find Jenkins he’s usually trying to hang himself about now
SicSemper: Okay soldier.
SicSemper: Let him know, his father is proud of him.
WeaselBringer: You’re his…. Oh my god
– FIN –

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *