• If you live in Maine and your hometown includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine with a large, rabid St. Bernard in the backseat, while residing in an old, haunted hotel near a strange Pet Semetary and hangs out with teenage girls with telekenetic powers….you’re pretty much screwed.
  • When it appears you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
  • Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  • Do not go search for something in the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
  • If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run. *NOTE* It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
  • When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone.
  • As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
  • Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.
  • If you are searching for something which caused a loud noise and you find out it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life. (It’s NOT the cat…)
  • If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
  • Do not take *anything* from the dead.
  • If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
  • Don’t fool around with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.
  • If you’re running away from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
  • Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.
  • If your car runs out of gas late at night, don’t go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help. Likewise if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill. Stay in the car.
  • Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws or any device made from deceased companions.
  • Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
  • Never listen to music that contains staccato shrieking violins.
  • If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.
  • Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.
  • The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat.
  • The guy with the testosterone overdose is also dead meat.
  • Along with the guy that is always making jokes
  • When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the damn lights!
  • Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you.
  • If you are traveling with friends, never let any hitch hikers into the van with you. It’ll be the worst (if not the last) day of your life.
  • Never babysit.There are enough babysitter-in-danger-thanks-to-a-stupid-killer flicks out there already.
  • If you ARE stupid enough to babysit, never try on the mom’s nightgown collection. You’ll only end up showing more skin. Remember: Skin=Death.
  • If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He’ll just pop through and kill you. Same goes for leaning against the window.
  • If you are at your Senior prom, and the school reject has just won prom queen, slowly back away and run for the exit. All hell is about to break loose.
  • If you are a stoner among other stoners, be the quiet one or the lovable one. All the other stoners will be killed.
  • If you sense something is behind you, don’t bother turning around to check. Just run.
  • If you are trying to escape the killer, sliding through the cat door in the electronic garage door will not help you any.
  • After you manage to kill the monster/killer, never sit beside it and cry. It will suddenly pop back up to finish the job.
  • Never go to camp or become a counselor. You’ll be dead by the end of summer.
  • Never say “I’ll be right back.” You won’t be back. End of story.
  • Don’t ever do something just because someone dares you to.
  • If you ever visit some distant planet and find objects that look like eggs, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!! Then when one of your spaceship’s crew members finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of breaking the previous rule), don’t let him back on the ship. When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of breaking the previous two rules) NEVER wander off alone to hunt for the ship’s cat.
  • If someone tells you to do or not to something (example: DON’T fall asleep, DON’T go out there, DON’T go look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding psychopath by yourself) by all means, LISTEN TO THEM!!
  • A small town’s little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, “Why you’re the guest of honor! We couldn’t even have the barbecue with out you!”, run like hell.
  • If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.
  • Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.
  • Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.
  • Never go back for anything you lost.
  • If the movie is directed by someone named Wes Craven or John Carpenter, you’re pretty much screwed.
  • If the killer/monster is dead, don’t dig up his grave to try to do a final resurrection. He will only come back to life. Duh.
  • If you disobey the previous rule, don’t try cutting off his head or anything cheap. Stick a grenade in his mouth and run for it.
  • If the killer is standing tenĀ feet in front of you, don’t just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may comes as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.
  • A female should never wear a white shirt without a bra while escaping the monster. It will only increase your chances of falling and causing a freak rainstorm that will make your shirt transparent and result in your immediate death.
  • If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it’s in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.
One thought on “Surviving a Horror Movie”
  1. 1. I disagree with number 2 (don’t check if it’s dead). I have noticed that it’s when the protagonists ASSUME that they succeeded in killing the monster that they get into trouble. ‘All right, billy and jessica! That evil demon monster psychopath is TOTALLY dead after falling off that cliff…there’s no way ANYONE could survive that! Lets go have an org-AAAAAHHHHH!’

    2. Making coffee ALWAYS helps. Anyway…can you imagine trying to fight demons while going through caffeine withdrawal? I, for one, might just say, ‘screw it’ and let the demons take me. Maybe there’s coffee where they’re from.

    3. Clowns never seem harmless. That’s just a lie.

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