Birthday Post (or What I’ve learned in 28 years)

Here’s a list of some of the important things I’ve learned in 28 years:

  • Your greatest hopes and dreams from when you are younger will morph and fade away and become an urge to create a 401k
  • Always tip a dollar a drink at the bar.
  • You simply cannot eat an entire wheel of cheese without severe consequences
  • Don’t mix alcohol types in one night, if you HAVE to, limit it to 2 types MAXIMUM
  • The few times when you think you look really awesome, your fly is probably down
  • Awkward moments are hilarious and should be treated as such
  • Music, Movies and all Forms of mass entertainment aren’t nearly as important as you thought they were
  • It’s okay to re-read books
  • The best pick-up line is “Hello, my name is _______”
  • A tomato is neither a fruit nor a vegetable, but a spy for the coming alien armada

Here’s a list of the things I’ve FAILED to learn in 28 years, but should have:

  • You simply cannot eat an entire wheel of cheese without severe consequences.
  • You can’t get famous or rich off of being ‘Awesome’
  • While your friends think you’re funny, it’s best not to assume that you are funny to everyone
  • When a girl you don’t know smiles at you, check behind you to see if her boyfriend is there
  • Tell your friends you love them, but not in front of their coworkers, or they will look at you weird
  • Don’t call other peoples parents mom/dad/ma/pa/bitch/asshole
  • I can’t dance

Here’s a list of the things I want to do before I’m 30

  • Get written about in a magazine
  • Make money off the internet
  • Write a novel
  • Play Night-Time Frisbee
  • Burn the Confederate Flag
  • Make the best sandwich ever
  • Make a 401k… or a threesome, whichever comes first
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