Now I know that on Fuhnny we usually focus on general humor or video game humor, but I have to take a break from all that and tell you about Windows Vista. Actually from now on we’ll call it “Windows: Fucker” or just Fucker for short.
A few months ago, the release of Vista/Fucker caught me up in its hype with the promise of modern, fast computing for those that have the manly hardware to take advantage of it. As my hardware is as manly as they come, I thought to myself, here’s an Operating System for me! Something to keep up with my svelte lifestyle, oh dear cruel Lord above, how wrong I was.
Rather than re-hash the common gripes about Windows Fucker, let me give you a run-down of the lesser known game-killers that are known as “Vista Bugs”
1. Bluescreens a plenty. Not since Windows 98 has any operating system just simply failed to work, so frequently and so finally that it not only required a reboot but forced one. I Blue screen on average of 2-3 times a day during activities or even idle… YAY
2. Network Amnesia. A funny little Vista glitch is that it randomly forgets what computers are on a network. I have roughly 4-5 computers available on the network at any given time. However FUCKER will forget some of them, some of the time. Like an Alzheimers patient with 23 children, it simply can’t keep track of them all and just ignores different ones at random times. Need to get to a file on the Media Server? Too fucking bad, better luck next time, Fucker rolled the dice.
3. Games Glitching. Sometime in the last few weeks as a result of some update or another games just freeze up every 5 minutes. That’s right ANYTHING 3d accelerated just freezes, then reboots the video card, and then resume jerkily… EVERY 5 Minutes. It’s like playing on a computer thats below the minimum requirements, instead of – you known – being above the Maximum Recommended.
4. More Games! Oh yeah, some games just don’t fucking work… read this… DON’T FUCKING WORK.
5. Aero Glass. Most People’s concerns about the Aero Glass interface (Read: Shiny see-through window borders and fancy effects) are based around performance. “Will My Dell with an on-board intel graphics chipset run Aero?” That type of thing. But for me apparently the Mish-Mash of horrible hardware that is “TOP of the LINE” causes Aero to crash my system EVEN more frequently than the aforementioned 2-3 times a day of bluescreening. I now run with Aero turned off, and it simply reduces the numbers of Instant crippling crashes… Fun!
6. Sound? Maybe. Get this, during certain times of what my computer considers “Turmoil” which is usually represented by a few things happening at once, like opening Notepad and Wordpad simultaneously, my sound will cut out. That’s right, no sound. The only thing that fixes this is a reboot.
7. Network… Pshaw. Much like it forgets which computers are connected, Fucker also forgets that its ON a network sometimes. There will be no Internet, no network, no indication of a problem and no indication that a network EVEN exists. The only thing that fixes this is a reboot.
8. Were you using that? My awesome 300 dollar wireless keyboard and Mouse occasionally stop working. This is described on several Fucker Forums as a “Sleepy USB” glitch. Which means after a period of inactivity, it will forget that anything is plugged into that port and no longer recognize it, until it reboots. But don’t worry, it doesn’t happen all the time, just SOME of the time (randomly).
9. Oh Shit! Hey here’s a conundrum. With somewhere around the highest overall performance score that Fucker can rate my hardware at, it’s slow. That’s right SLOW. Slow to open windows, Slow to run programs, Slow to boot, Slow to Shut down, Slow to transfer/copy/move/delete/view a file. When compared to XP some things are roughly the same, most are slower, nothing is faster that I’m aware of…. NOTHING.
10. Multiple Repeatability. Now I know what you’re thinking. That’s YOUR configuration. YOU made a mistake or didn’t read some obscure linux hardware forum that explains that my exact mess of hardware is obviously a Vista/Fucker no-no. No my friends, thats not it either. First off, I am so much smarter than you that my brain-stem can materialize smart into bullets and shoot them so fast it will literally make you shit your sub-genius IQ Pants. Second, I have two completely different configurations of computers (three actually) that exhibit the exact SAME symptoms. The only saving grace is my laptop which suffers from only crippling slowness and network amnesia. But I guess thats the quality performance you get from Dell, So compatible with Fucker, its almost usable.
There’s a few more little things I could go into – Like the fact that it smells. It does. Vista has a scent. Its a stinky filthy whore. But in case you’re interested here’s what you can do to your Computer Specs too.