Overly Cynical Advice

Often people ask for advice or look for it in the most unlikely of places. But have you ever noticed that good advice is often overlooked due to its cliche nature? Not putting all your eggs in one basket when metaphorically turned to real world examples (Where “Eggs” are mistresses and whores and “One Basket” is your fiance’s Yoga class, for example). Todays generation responds more to derision and cynicism than to any cheery and upbeat slogan or advice that puts everything in a positive light. Yet, I’m still burdened with the gift of genius, so to present my advice and have it reach you know-nothing shit-brained over-hyphened generation of fools, here’s my overly cynical advice on all of life’s woes.

Life: Everyone asks what is the meaning of life, even if they’re way too cool to ask it out loud. But lets fucking face it folks. There’s no rhyme or reason, you’re here and then you’re not. Your purpose is what you believe it to be, and if you don’t believe its anything at all, you’re a Republican!

Death: Tackling the big issues first is the way to go. Death is the ultimate fear, becomes of what comes after… actually its not. Death is scary because it generally fucking hurts. Death is an axe to the face, a car hitting you at 90 mph, a long slow bout with cancer or AIDS. I think what everyone really fears is the PRE-death, the shit that makes you die. Because most of us may not enjoy the blissful exit that we all hope for. Also when you die, you shit yourself. (and in case you’re wondering, there is no afterlife, but pure nothingness has its advantages)

Girlfriends: I’m a heterosexual male, so really my viewpoints only apply to them and those that most closely associate with them (like women’s basketball players) But girlfriends are friends, that you have sex with exclusively. END OF FUCKING STORY. You may love them, you may not, if you marry them, then they are your wife, short of that, they are a girl, who’s a friend, who you bang… If she dumps you, or you realize its not working out, don’t put your life through the shredder, leave and stop crying.

Cheating: Right alongside my brilliant analysis of girlfriends comes the topic of cheating. People toil endlessly over ‘What is Cheating” and if it’s “Wrong” and whether or not to break up over it and how it happens… People like sex. There! the secrets out. Just because the woman of your dreams (or nightmares) has set up shop on your sexual block doesn’t mean there’s not a hell of a lot of other stores out there waiting to have a penis shop in them. Men generally have a lackadaisical approach to this theory, you ever notice that they order the same thing all the time at a restaurant? Its because we like simple repeatable habits. If a guy is cheating on you, its not because he’s sleazy, its because he’s too stupid for simple pattern recognition and adaptation. Because if you weren’t banging him with regularity, he would already be in another vagina store.

Friends: Friends are a social reflex. Have you ever noticed that the most lame/desperate/horrible/smelly/foul/fucked up people on the planet have friends? It’s because there is always someone as pathetic as you, on every possible level, and we all instinctively want to make noises at each other and fight boredom. Oh and by the way, Humans are like desperate little ants, they breed prolifically and are utterly lost without a group. So keep the good friends, jettison the bad ones, and the ones you’re not sure of, jettison them too, because making friends is easy, overcoming your social impotence is the hard part.

Work: A work ethic is something thats either beat into you, or it isn’t, depends on your upbringing. But basically, work has a very simple formula. The smarter you are the more money you have. If you work your ass off and have no money at the end of the month, you’re not doing it right. If you don’t work at all and have no life, you’re not doing it right. If you work an amount that you feel is reasonable and you’re reasonably happy, you’re doing it right. Of course there are extenuating circumstances, but you are NOT one of them. I’m sorry you’re not. Humanity will find every excuse to be lazy, because deep down we’re monkeys that want to jerk off and throw poo and nap a lot, fight that instinct and you will move up the evolutionary ladder with money in your pocket.

Lying: Big moral dilemma or not? Lying and getting caught makes you a liar, and since you probably haven’t taken an IQ test recently, let me take a guess…. Ohhhhh SUB GENIUS… Yup, chances are you’re a sub-genius, an average, below average, or slightly above average human being. My point? It generally takes a genius to juggle multiple time-lines, story-lines, and realities at a competent level. Chances are if you think you’re a good liar, you’re not and people just don’t respect you enough to tell you. Great liars are the only ones that should lie, and great liars don’t think they’re lying.

Drinking: Oh a big one. Lets get this all out of the way, alcohol is addictive both physically and psychologically, that’s TWO types of addiction going for it. If you drink more than once a week, chances are you’re addicted on SOME level. And if your amount increases AT ALL over the next week, month, year, decade, you’re getting closer to becoming an alcoholic, go cry and go to a meeting, you shouldn’t have started playing if you didn’t know the rules. Oh and for those of you that feel that it “loosens you up” and makes socializing easier, it does, so does fucking self esteem. Go read a book and take a class and you won’t have to have vodka on your breath to hold a conversation.

Kids: Wow, I really have no boundaries do I? Kids suck. They smell and shit and cry, then they’re big enough to fall down and get hurt and shit and cry, then they get old enough to talk back, rebel, waste money and shit and cry, and then they get old enough to make their own and they become the next generation of living proof that all species want to pro-create.   Guys that want kids, want to fix their own lives, and they’ll end up ruining both. Women that want kids, have a giant dose of hormones that could kill a yak flushing through their system every couple of months that TELL THEM to breed, and breed hard. Let’s face it, whatever reason you THINK you have for wanting a kid, its a billion years of nature and evolution telling you that the world as you know it will collapse and die if you do not stick your thingy in her thingy. The development of condoms and birth control are the arrows pointing toward a utopia where human breeding will not exceed its resources and the stupid will not fall under its own weight of stupidly conceived babies, here’s hoping.

Enemies: There are two types of enemies. There’s the guy/girl you dislike that you THINK is your enemy. And then there’s the guy who just fucking stabbed you in the throat with a broken beer bottle. The latter is your enemy. A lot of people bandy about the term “Enemy” thinking that the girl who fucked their boyfriend, or the guy who punched them at the mall are their enemies, this is wrong. Draw a big line between people that aren’t worth your time (like people that punch you) and those who will actively ruin your life/face/house etc. – Avoid them both, just avoid one more than the other. And don’t fixate on either one, that helps them find you.

Grudges: Holding a grudge is like antagonizing yourself for someone else. If a bully beat you up in grade school for two years and ruined your chances at asking Suzie Bigtits out in the 7th grade, you probably don’t like him very much. But if you’re 25 and still think about him and all the things you’d like to do to him, you are pathetic. This is an extreme example. Lets say there’s a equal dynamic limit to grudges. If someone did something that affects you for a certain amount of time, thats about how long you should hate them. If someone cuts in line and makes you wait an extra 10 minutes, you’re allowed 10 minutes of wishing a vengeful god to strike them down, then you have to let it go. Because any more than that, and you’re his bitch, sad but true. No cheating on this one either, its never as long term as you’d like to think it is.

Homosexuality: Great be gay, be bisexual, be a masochistic yahoo, who cares? However don’t start crying when your parents don’t understand, after all they’re straight, and they had hot sticky straight sex to make you, how can they possibly understand? When your straight friends don’t understand, don’t alienate them, they’re not supposed to understand. Simple fact, most people like the opposite sex and its the status quo, No one will make you follow that status quo, but you can’t change the fact that its definitely there. If you ever do completely flip the status quo to completely accept gays, it would make the majority of the human race gay, and then the human race would die out… So really, not going to happen. Gays should be happily accepted into our populace because they generally don’t breed and therefore aren’t a continuation of a perceived problem. And gay marriage is fine… you fucktards.

Ethics: Ethics are a set of moral guidelines and philosophy that allow us to to discern from right or wrong. But now that I think of it, there wasn’t any “Ethics” class in my grade school, or my high school. Sure you can find one in a university, but does that mean the only people that get ethics, have to afford college? No, ethics are handed down by incompetent parents to children in the same haphazard sloppy way it reached them, by example. Figure this one out on your own.

Politics: Politics are like watching royalty, you can criticize or be awed by their actions, but really, its nothing you understand or comprehend. Unless you’re trying to get into politics, you’re NOT in politics and political debates are like monkeys quoting Shakespeare. Amusing but utterly unintelligent and recited from a much more refined source. Plus voting in this country is doing about as much good as shooting a spitball at the white house from your living room. Want to change all that? Get into politics where politicians only listen to politicians, they don’t give a shit about your party, or your opinions or your job or your life, unless you’re one of them. So please stop pretending that you matter, because if you did, we wouldn’t be talking to you, would we?

Movies: If you enjoyed it, it was a good movie, it doesn’t have to have a message, or a moral, or be beautiful or fun. Some of my favorite movies are utter pieces of cinematic trash. To each their own. Stop worrying about it and just like what you like. (Unless Uwe Boll Made it)

Music: People cry foul that music industry is fucking the consumer and the artist all day long and making billions, its because you’re fucking sheep and if something is remotely catchy you’ll claim to like it, with no understanding of the lyrics and the message (if there even is one). If we had analysts title songs based on what they were actually about, maybe we wouldn’t all listen to Britney Spears new hit single “I’m a failed mother on a coke bender who thinks she’s still sexy” (available now on Geffen Records!) And 90 percent of rap songs would be called “Penis Envy”

Comedy: Most think that Comedy is intangible, kind of like pornography. Don’t worry about what is funny and what isn’t. Make people laugh enough times and you’ll realize, that its all crap. Tone of voice, body movements, witticisms, there’s a formula and it generally works.

Drugs: Here’s my idea, TRYING drugs is fine, DOING drugs is stupid. That doesn’t mean you get to only do everything once, but it means that you have a point in doing them. If you smoke pot to relax, you’re doing it for a reason, but if you need pot to relax you’re just a chemically addicted loser. Where that line is for everyone is totally up to the individual. But I can give you an idea. Cigarettes = got any? you’re addicted. Marijuana = have more than an 1/8th in your house? Addicted. LSD: done it more than 10 times? you’re addicted. Crack = ever done it? Addicted. Heroin = ever done it? probably addicted. Alcohol = spent more than 50 dollars in a month on it? Addicted.

Racism: Racism is based on fear of the unknown and as such is perfectly normal. However much like shitting outdoors or eating our meat raw, it should be phased out like any other pre-historic notion of a normally functioning society.

Abortion: Abortion is awesome. Let me explain. There’s a ton of people out there camped outside abortion clinics, when 10 miles away someone is getting the death penalty and getting “Aborted” at age 35. But they’re not crying about THAT human life are they? Other species will kill their own young, eat them, or feed them to their siblings, if its even remotely necessary. A half formed fetus is a useless sack of flesh that probably resulted from a night of binge drinking and some guy who smells like a distillery putting his penis in a girl and pumping drunken sperm everywhere. Graphic but true, why does that need to resolve into a life-ruining baby? Think of abortion as the most gentle and humane alternative to throwing away a newborn, because either way, its obviously unwanted, and will probably grow up to be a 35 year old criminal on death row.

Where to Live: I hear this a lot, so here’s my suggestion. If you think where you live sucks, don’t say a word to anyone, just move away. If you’re not sure, take a driving tour of the US, if you live somewhere shitty, you’ll find places that are way better, and if you live somewhere great, you’ll realize how shitty everything else is. Problem solved.

Condom Brands: I don’t really know why I wrote this topic.

The Internet: The internet is a great forum for exchanging information, if its a place for you to make a pathetic cookie-cutter self-worshipping shrine to your own incredible lameness, you’re on MySpace, and you probably don’t really know what the internet IS. If your message to the world is that you like Offspring and your friends think you’re really funny, you’re not standing out… in any way, whatsoever. Putting crap on the internet with no concept of what you’re doing is like standing in traffic wearing a giant sign that says “I’m ME” its pointless, distracting, and basically makes you look like a crack baby thats all ‘growed up’.

Science: Science is a great thing in and of itself, because despite its many flaws, its based around the fact that it has flaws. It constantly doubts itself and everything around it, forcing you to question things, to learn things you might never have learned. In perspective, religion makes you question nothing and forces you to avoid things you otherwise could have learned, making you a retard.

Boobs: They’re pretty awesome, just a note to you females, you’re used to having them, but we never get tired of them. They’re a strong and vital sign of your femininity and you should basically sport those bitches like a badge of female pride.

Arguments: Oh to look at the big picture. Take a deep breath, do you believe something strongly? Like Bush is a retard, or global warming is bad? Do you really have any doubts whatsoever? Well hard as this may be to believe, the person your talking to with a different opinion feels the same way, they’re wrong, wrong as wrong can be, but they THINK they’re right. And when you’re dealing with someone that thinks they’re right, you can only check your convictions and try to manipulate them, and if you can’t manipulate them, they’re probably smarter, and right.

Police: Some people believe that cops are all bad, or all good or something like that. Really there’s good and bad ones just like there are people, but next time you claim to be a “Cop Hating Bastard” – remember what number you’ll end up dialing when someone shoots you in the ass for being an opinionated bastard…. 911 – The Cop Hotline.

Parents: One of the things you never really realize until its way too late to matter, is that your parents are kids that grew up and turned boring and started liking Yanni, but they’re just as clueless and backwards as you are. If you think that you have NO idea on how to raise a kid, your parents just went ahead and did it anyway, but they don’t know either. And when you’re 30 in a loveless marriage and you squeeze out a mini version of yourself for some obscure reason that seems to make sense at the time, you’ll be in the same dilapidated boat.

Depression: There are two types of depression. People that get sad and think there’s something wrong with them, because isn’t the world supposed to be a big happy place ALL THE TIME? And the one in a thousand individuals who have a severe chemical imbalance that actually prevents them from feeling happy EVEN when they should be. Chances are, you’re not chemically imbalanced, at least not more than the majority of the human race. Every day is not supposed to be a fluffy rainbow for your amusement. Everything DOES suck sometimes, stop calling it depression and go ride a bike.

Cynicism: Cynicism is a nice way of saying bitter. The loss of innocence as a child is directly parodied by your increase in cynicism, and jaded wisdom. Why does this transformation take place over every person, every day? Because innocence is stupidity, and experience shows you that people are assholes, that girls/guys cheat, that most people can’t perform basic functions of human life without screwing something up and that believing everything is something its not, comes with one hard painful reality check after another. But don’t think that being Cynical is being sad all the time. After all, I hate every single one of you, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.