(The details of this “Manventure” have been altered to protect the incredibly guilty)
My good buddy Sean and I decided to have a manly mis-adventure today, and we had such a great time, we thought we’d detail the required elements of a MAN-venture so you too can enjoy this long lost pastime. Some of you might be wondering,
“How do you have a ‘mis-adventure’?”
Well its like going off to have an adventure, but from long experience going off to DO something cool, always ends badly. You try to go to the beach, but its too cold and some rednecks are firing guns there or something equally mood-killing. But a MIS-adventure, is something altogether different. A mis-adventure is something much more vague. You leave with the intent to do something mildly fun or different, but be prepared for all the problems that life throws at you with a sense of opportunity. Hence, you’re never disappointed and you always have a good time, as long as you take everything as it comes.Here are the ingredients for our particular manly mis-adventure:
- 2 Manly Sandwiches (Including at least 17 ingredients)
- 2 Heineken 22oz Beer
- 4 IPA 12oz Beers
- 2 Packet of Smoke Bombs
- 2 Roman Candles
- 4 Large Cigars (made by sweatshop children)
- 1x Screwdriver
- 1 Giant Flourescent Light Bulb
- 2 Pints of Racer 5 Beer
- 1 Episodes of the Simpsons
- 2 Red Bulls
- 1 Sparkler
- 4 Lighters
- 1/2 Tank of Gas
- (Sunglasses – AT NIGHT)
- 1 Giant firework fountain
- 1 Broken TV
- 1 Car (Buick Regal)
- 2 Whimsical Senses of Adventure
The day started out with a leisurely drive to my childhood home, where there is a dirt track that we used to race minibikes on. We had the idea to start there and take a small hike. Hike doesn’t quite sound manly enough, we took a… trek. Yeah, we trekked. However when we arrived it turns out that someone bought the dirt lot on a swamp that hasn’t sold for the last 25 years. They proceeded to build a giant house on the play area of my entire childhood. This was disconcerting to say the least, especially since we couldn’t trek there and couldn’t light off our many fireworks. This is the nature of the mis-adventure.
We then went to Healdsburg, where we looked for the nearest mountain (Finch Mountain as it turns out, is the ONLY mountain near there) and proceeded to drive as high up as we could possibly get. When we reached what was most likely the peak of said mountain, we proceeded to toss several smoke bombs down the hill and then drive down through the colored smoke like a glorified Dukes of Hazard scene. However we neglected to actually insure that the peak of the mountain actually led back down the mountain so, after a rapid 7 second plummet through plumes of no-doubt illegal smoke, we actually were in a private driveway. We had to pull a 3-point turn in the very persons driveway whom we had inadvertently smoke-bombed. Then we stopped for a manly sandwich, eaten outdoors in the cold and with no napkins. Plus the sandwich wasn’t even cut in half… very manly.
After this we decided to explore some more and took some side roads along the Rissian River and drove all the way to the very center of nowhere, where we placed a giant firework fountain at the very peak of a river hill and watched it blaze into the sky as we drove back down like demons through super windy and dangerous roads at unsafe speeds.We then stopped at the Goat Republic brewery and had 2 fine pints of Racer 5 beer and smoked a long and leisurely cigar. This is very manly. I know this may sound manly in a generic way. But really you have to appreciate a nice brisk evening outside a brewery smoking a cigar and sipping a microbrew and re-counting stories of psuedo-manly exploits. Trust me, once again, its very manly.
By this point we’ve got a good buzz going and decide to while away the time to drive-ability. We took turns carving our initials in a near-by bridge. This may sound like the very antithesis of manliness, in fact it may sound like blatant handholding homosexuality. But I assure you, that by placing a dividing line ( / ) between our initials as opposed to a plus sign ( + ) commonly associated with lovers initials, we have definitively ascertained our incredible manliness. Yeah we did it, and we’re not ashamed…
Then we took a very long drive down a very dark road. I know this is panning out like a gay erotica novel meant to convert straight-folk. But really, this is assuredly manly. As we traveled an unsafe speeds, and stopped in the middle of nowhere to urinate on a fence and to put Sean on the hood of the car and drive him at high speeds while clinging tenaciously to the hood of my car. Went another mile so on untravelled roads with Sean clamped onto the hood of the car before my good sense won out to a small degree and I applied the brakes. But for good measure I stopped too fast and at least sent him flying a little bit. Solving both my lust for violence and distaste for burying accidentally killed friends. Then we found the T.V.
We were wandering in the dark, lost at 60mph and not caring in the least when Sean yells “Pull over! Goddammit Pull over!” I obliged him and after a short search in the darkness we found what he saw. An old abandoned 27 inch CRT tv just laying by the side of the road. This may be silly to you, or even stupid, but then you’re probably a girl, or lame. We re-lived a boyish time in our lives by kicking, crushing and otherwise fucking-up-the-shit-of this TV. As any boy will tell you, its fun to break stuff, especially when its something you can’t otherwise break and get away with it. So we left that TV by the wayside, proper-fucked as one might say.
In continuance of our violent vendetta against carefully crafted glass, we took a giant fluorescent tube and winged it into an abandoned parking lot. If you’ve ever played with a large fluorescent bulb, they are pressurized with gas in order to work, so the slightest actual break in the seal of the bulb, causes them to explode dramatically. This is apparently also accomplished by throwing it full-force into a parking lot. Glass explosions are not only fun, but exotic.
After using our hairy-chested internal compass we navigated back to civilization by pure testosterone (and trial and error) eventually leading back to my house where we had a good old fashioned “Roman Candle Fight” This is a very simple and very dangerous game played by using the now illegal “Roman Candle” For those of you that don’t know what that means, its very simple. A Roman Candle is a firework about 1-2 feet in length and about an inch in diameter that fires off miniature fireballs at high velocities. It does this several times and then dies. Simple, dangerous, fun. Its one of the fireworks from back in the days where all the fireworks didn’t have to be dumbed down that was STILL a bad idea. This is of course before all local fireworks became shameful girlish sparklers to avoid the billions of lawsuits put forth by retarded families with burned fingers and missing ears. These were imported from the south, where dangerous ideas and that 32 percent approval rating still holds sway. So we spent a brief but exciting time, firing high-velocity balls of flame at each other, no harm done, but its great way to work up an appetite for another drink!
Time: 10:28pm (I just picked these times out of a hat! Manly men don’t look at the clock!)
One episode of simpsons and 2 beers later,we were ready for the bar. For a final cigar, a Gin and Tonic and a Jack and Coke (for Adam and Sean respectively). To sit back, with our muddy feet up on a table and think about the manliest day ever. And of course, when we would do it all again. Join us?