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Ways to Have Sex (That You’ve Never Heard Of)

Now the Twist Here is that some of them I’m making up and Some of them I’m NOT. I’m not going to say which ones are which, because before you know it some people will be sending me examples of how I’m wrong (or right) and I’m already ashamed enough of the human race.

D and D Style:

Picture this, every movement and phrase, every attempt to remove an article of clothing or change position has to be preceded by a toss of the dice. A Sexual Dungeon Master has to be present to oversee the rules and regulations as well as plot the next move. Each type of sexual action is a test of your Will, Charisma, Luck, Strength etc. For example if you’re trying to flip her over while still being inserted it would be a test of both Dexterity, Strength and possibly Luck. You would first, announce your intentions and then roll a 20-sided die the S-DM (Sexy Dungeon Master) would then check the numbers against your stats and give you a response like “You successfully flip that bitch over and stay in” or on a low roll it would be something like “You fall off the bed and your penis ends up in the flower pot and you lose 2 hit points.” either way its a lot of fun (Read: Not fun at all).

Completely Disinterested Style:

The concept here is both partners select an activity, just engaging enough to require most of their concentration, but un-exciting enough to keep things at a nice dull level. So for instance you couldn’t bungee jump while she gets a tattoo. A more reasonable example would be the two of you having sex doggy style while you solve a Sudoku puzzle on her back and she learns to maneuver the stock market on a laptop. The point of this, besides becoming a WASP, can be to either prolong sex, defeat premature ejaculation, increase multi-tasking skill. As an added bonus, you can use this to humiliate your partner by performing this style without telling them first. If you’re the psychologically abusive type.

Warcraft Style:

I hesitate to bring this into the ugly light of the world. but if you’ve ever played World of Warcraft, and lets face it, you probably have (loser). Then you have probably thought about this at one time or another. It’s just ridiculous. People do it though. Sure there’s no actual nudity in WoW but a Female Night Elf (About the only species that even gets CLOSE to attractive) prancing around in her undies and dirty talking you in a private channel might actually be better than plain old cybersex. At least there’s a focus for you to look at, and you can imagine its the elf, or a hot chick, or anything but the unshaven male 35 year old janitor it ACTUALLY is. So I’m not saying I don’t understand, but I am telling you, you’re a bunch of pathetic tools. Even the very fact that I know this is true, puts me at a disadvantage to the rest of normal society. But I had to take one for the team, and warn you all, its out there…

Glory-Holing:

This one is actually a fetish and has several websites dedicated to it. Although I don’t think any of them live up to the true spirit of the infamous “Glory-Hole”. A Glory-Hole or GH for short, is a hole in a wall/stall/bathroom/barrel/etc that you insert your penis into and receive pleasure of some type. I say this all in a very generic way because it can be construed many different ways. It started many years ago as a joke, then gained some popularity in the gay culture in the 60’s and 70’s because people were still afraid to reveal themselves as gay, and could keep their anonymity. However it caught on with the rest of us, shortly afterward. I don’t think its very common, mainly because there’s an inherent fear of putting your junk through a dirty hole that you can see, into a dirty hole that you can’t see. But there’s still a thrilling and exciting feeling to letting it all hang out, now if there was some way to know what was on the other side, it would be almost not disgusting.

Well now you know a little more about yourselves, and why I hate you all.

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