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People You Meet at the Bar (Part 2)

Recently I published an article called “People You Meet at the Bar” and there was such a positive response, I’ve decided to follow up with More people you meet at the bar. Guess which one you are.

Bar Whore

Age: Usually 21-27

Blood Alcohol Level: Wowza

Annoying Factor: 9

The Bar whore is usually a gal who seems nice, even friendly and outgoing. But then the booze kicks in and she turns into cold calculating Terminator-mode searching for John Connor, but in this case, John Connor is DICK. She picks about 3 guys and starts laying it on thick, makes them compete for her and arbitrarily picks one to take home. She takes all the control, kicks them out when she’s done and never talks to them again. She’s back the following Friday with a girly drink in one hand and an agenda in the other. For those of you looking to get some random sex, its not so bad. But woe betide to you who is not on her hit list and happens to get in the way. She will toss you to the curb like a sub-human on her mission to score.

Invisible Rock Star

Age: 21-40

Blood Alcohol Level: (varies)

Annoying Factor: 5

The Invisible Rock Star or IRS, he loves him some music! He’s always rocking out to whats on the box and when there’s nothing on he complains loudly. He doesn’t actually select or put on the music, just enjoys it to the max when its on (see “JukeBox Nazi”) mainly when it comes to classic rock. He knows every Zepplin, Rush, AC/DC and Styx song and silently jams along with every single song when it comes on. He’s usually very quiet otherwise, but his love of 80’s classics knows no bounds, so that he transforms into an off-key air-guitar-hero on the drop of a dime. When other kinds of music is on he simply bobs his head. He usually doesn’t fraternize with anyone unless he’s trying to lead a sing-along of “American Pie”.

Overly Friendly

Age: 25-35

Blood Alcohol Level: 50%

Annoying Factor: 8

The Overly friendly guy, is a guy who doesn’t get out much. He’s usually tanked out of his brain and he’s realized everything that’s wrong with his life/work/job/marriage/hair/etc. and he’s determined to set it all right, TONIGHT. So he’ll come and hang companionably on your arm even though you don’t know him. He’s set to at least 50 decibels higher than the jukebox speaker and he’s got a huge shit-eating grin on his face. You know this guy, don’t you? He jumps into your group and gets everyone jazzed up and excited for about 30 seconds before everyone feels uncomfortable and realizes they don’t really want to get into a joyous screaming match or express themselves through slam-dancing. Then he becomes a high-volume piece of furniture to be carefully ignored.

The Shark

Age: 28-48

Blood Alcohol Level: A calculated .08%

Annoying Factor: 7

The shark swims the teeming waters of drunk college kids interested in playing a game of pool. Kids that don’t want a serious game mind you, not even a semi-serious one, just a game. But he’s very serious. He’s constantly challenging everyone to a game, he’s a stickler for the rules and will call you on every minute fault. He becomes gay as a castro harpie when he wins, but glowers like you fucked his mother when he loses. He’s not a good sport, he’s not very charming, and he’s usually dressed like a fifties gothic reject. He goes on and on about other pool matches and basically can only communicate through the game of billiards and badly at that. The real weird freaky catch of the Shark, isn’t that they’re great at pool, its that they’re so often NOT great at it, they’re just overly serious about it.

The Cougar

Age: 30-45

Blood Alcohol Level: .08%-.20%

Annoying Factor: 7

The cougar is a lady who’s obviously about 10 years older than everyone else there. She might be there with a friend or two that’s her age but she’s happy to mingle, flirt or play a game of pool with all the young kids. Speaking of kids, she’s probably got a few at home. However, she wants to reclaim what she considers the “glory days” of her youth, which consisted of her getting plowed in every viable sense of the word. So she’ll get drunk and schlep into your conversations and pool games, giggling like she’s 14 years younger than she is. Some find it charming and some just ignore her. But beware. Should you get dragged home by the Cougar she will maul you with several dozen years of sexual frustration and will mostly likely “break-your-shit-off” to coin the phrase. If this is what you’re looking for… great, but beware the morning after, when your back doesn’t bend anymore and you’re trying to slip out the back door while her kids are eating breakfast and getting ready for school.

Jukebox Nazi

Age: 21-28

Blood Alcohol Level: .04%

Annoying Factor: 5

The JukeBox Nazi, is just what it sounds like. A whiny guy or girl who just wants to OWN the music that night. They pump several thousands quarters into the jukebox and attempt to make the perfect mix tape over the following hours. He wants to wow everyone with his range and taste in music, however his taste usually ranges outside that of normal human beings, so you’ll end up with “Gotta Keep em Seperated” followed by “Love upon the Sea” in the same set. No one else gets to pick any music that night and if they come near they’re met with a steely glare that says in no uncertain terms, that you don’t take this jukebox seriously enough. (Warning: Sometimes becomes Invisible Rock Star)

Now you know,

And Knowing is Half the Bottle…

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