by: M. Gordon

Lately I have been noticing that more and more people are entering the workplace. Some are returning to work after an injury or pregnancy, some are switching jobs, but most are, like me, just beginning to realize that in order to have money you must have a job. Now, more than ever, working outside the home seems like a fad that just won’t quit. But, how does one get a job? After successfully being hired at over 50 jobs in the past ten years, I will share some of my secrets with you.

Building Your Resume

The first way a prospective employer judges you is by your resume, and believe me, the judgment doesn’t stop there. However, your resume will be the most effective when the skills you list match EXACTLY with the qualifications of the job. You want to begin by doing a bit of research. Find out what the position you are applying for requires in order to build a solid foundation of lies about your skills. For example, let’s say, oh, you want to be a coal miner. Go to a trustworthy source of information (the Internet is a good choice,) and find out what exactly a coal miner does. Then, using your information source, begin to pad your resume with the skills a good coal mining company will be looking for in a prospective employee. Using professional language and workplace buzzwords, even the dullest of skills sounds impressive. Here’s a side-by-side example of an information source, and how to translate that into resume-speak.

Information Source

Coal miners must withstand extreme pressure and heat while working deep underground. One miner can extract 4.5 tons of coal by hand during a ten hour shift. Because of poor ventilation deep in the mines, miners may suffer from chronic breathing difficulties. Coal dust is carcinogenic, and if a miner doesn’t die by some other means in the dark and dangerous mine shaft, they are at high risk for developing cancer.

Your Resume

  • Works well under pressure.
  • Able to focus and stay on-task under strenuous deadlines.
  • Physically fit.
  • Immune to Cancer

Make sure to throw in any information you think could possibly impress them. Much like a book report was back in high school; the longer your resume is, the more impressive it will be to your prospective employer. Any story that makes you look good is sufficient. If you can’t think of any, try to think of compliments you once heard someone say about someone you wanted to be like. Then use those, only make them about you.

Because an employer may be interviewing many people for the position, make sure you add something to your resume they will remember you by, something that reflects your personality. Glitter & glue is a simple way to make a bold statement with your resume. Make your resume stand out from the crowd by rewriting the entire document in a fine Old English calligraphic font. Use your imagination!

During the Interview

Most people hired to do the hiring at many companies use the same types of questions during an interview. They will begin by asking you what your strengths are. Reply by telling them exactly what you think they want to hear. Look around the office for clues. For instance, if the interviewer has a photo of children on his or her desk, mention that you are good with kids. Not only will this endear you to their hearts, you might also pick up some extra money babysitting for them in the future. If they have a book shelf in their office, you should make up some story about how one time, you read a whole bunch of books, and so on. They will then ask you what you think your weaknesses are. Respond by simply stating ‘I have none.’

Hot tip: If you are going into any type of sales, always throw in the phrase ‘I could sell ice cubes to an Eskimo!’ Most human resources personnel are delighted into giggles by this slightly offensive, antiquated colloquialism and you will surely impress them with your savvy understanding of the sales world.

Getting the Job

Getting the job doesn’t stop after the interview. You must continue to make a good impression while the employer is in the crucial decision making process. To do this, take the last of your food stamps and go buy about ten pounds of chocolate chip cookie dough. Bake the cookies carefully (burnt cookies are a sure-fire way to NOT land your dream job) and hand deliver them hot from the oven to every employee in the human resources department EXCEPT the person who interviewed you. This will make a great impression on your soon-to-be coworkers, and the interviewer will be left wanting more of your ‘good stuff,’ as symbolized by the cookies they didn’t get.

Now, more than ever, people are working at jobs. You want to be one of them. Now you can be. Armed with the skills you need to appear qualified, you should be able to get any job you want if you just apply these basic rules of thumb. Aim for the stars, and don’t give up your chance at landing that dream job just because you’re hopelessly unqualified. Hey, I heard they’re hiring up at the White House’¦the next President could be you!



3 thoughts on “How to Get a Job”
  1. Woo! Your first article on CrotchMail – You are truly on the road to fame now. *poof* You’re famous, that’s what this site does to people…

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