Here’s some things you can do to while away a rainy day.

1. Become immortal.

At first I thought becoming immortal was going to be extremely hard, not knowing how to do it. Then I thought it would be extremely easy, as my plan was to disguise myself as leftover food in my refrigerator which SEEMS to last forever. Then it went back to hard again, but I don’t know, sell your soul, do some 75+ years of research, you should be right on track. If you’re looking for the ONE day version, get in my fridge and write “Expires 10/07/2003” on your ass and you should be fine.

2. Write a Story.

Now this can very easy or very hard depending on whether or not you’ve ever entertained the idea of writing a story that actually starts “It was a dark and stormy night” but just to be ironic. If you have, well then stop reading and place your mouth over your car exhaust pipe while walloping your testicles with a meat tenderizer to make sure you never breed. (if no testicles are present, a hysterectomy can be performed with an alan wrench) But getting back to writing a story, get inspired. Think about your favorite superhero doing something terrible to a pigeon and then write about how that makes you feel, then read what you wrote, and write about how THAT made you feel, and you’ll have 3 credits in creative writing by 10pm tonight.

3. Develop Hypochondria

This is an easy pass-time. Just wander around the house and pay close attention to your body. If you hear any weird noises coming from your joints… Arthritis! If your stomach grumbles… Ulcers! If you forget why you’re doing this… Alzheimers! If you trip and fall down, vertigo. Just about anything happening to you can be transformed into a serious and permanent affliction, which you can then use to whittle pity from your loser friends. Although here’s a note, if you’re wandering around the house vomiting blood, crying uncontrollably, and you skin keeps falling off, you may have actually contracted, the common cold.

4. Create a New Recipe

Got the munchies? Bored? Sometimes just creating a new meal out of household items can bring immense satisfaction. Here’s an example. Today I looked in my pantry and assembled the following ingredients. Beef Ramen, Stale Tortilla Chips, a Hershey’s Kiss and a can of cream of onion soup, as well as a fruit loop (singular). Simply place all these items in a blender and set to puree, then pour on top of a brick of cheese and VOILA! You’re a chef. I call that meal “La Spleena de Ruptura” After some mysterious circumstances that followed this meal.

5. Memorize Pi

Go ahead, try it.





6. Abandon Religion

Oh this is one of my favorites! Just head on down to the local bookstore to get a few books on “Logic” and “Lines of Reasoning” and “Scientific Theory” and “Darwin” and then the particular religious text of your choice. Then just look up each mandate or rule in your religious texts, then compare them to the other books. After disproving about 30-40 pages of such great works of fiction as “The Bible” or “The Qua ran” you’ll be laughing endlessly. Then embrace the newfound group of people around you known as “Smart folk”.

7. Live an Elaborate Fantasy (see #6)

Besides the aforementioned elaborate fantasies, you can come up with hundreds of cool things to act out in your very own home. Here’s some favorite examples of mine: Put on a blanket/cape and make a fort out of your couch cushions, then pretend you’re a gay superhero crushing the condominiums of the heathen hetero’s. Or, re-arrange all your furniture to look like a movie theatre and pretend you’re running a seedy pornographic movie-house, you can add little touches like charging people to come in and putting gum and semen everywhere. If you’re short on supplies, simply tie yourself to the kitchen table and try to make an escape using only a spatula and a toothpick (Like the spies do!).

8. Make a Wartime replica of Paris during the Blitzkrieg out of potato chips and Bic pens.

Nuff Said.

9. Do what I do

You can always do what I do on a rainy day. Wake up late, read your email (or my email for that matter) then eat a cookie and watch a tv show, then go out to the mailbox like 23 times to see if the mail has come yet. Then sit in 7 different positions in the living room, then go get coffee and then come home again. Then sit in 23 different positions in the living room before striking up a conversation with your roommate about salads before finally sitting down to write an article called “Things to do on a Rainy Day” – Writing for a comedy website… Is there anything more awesome?

Enjoy the Rainy Day!

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