How to Avoid Awful Customers

Our new writer Joe “Dickinya” Krol has joined the team at Crotchmail and will be whipping out his several inches of funny here on occaision. We hope you like his barely coherent rage-fueled rants as much you enjoy mine. Show him some love in the comments eh?

ONE!! – I formally as of today the twelfth of december,  two thousand eight Ado Domini,  renounce the pronunciation and denotation of the word “drawing”, I shall be utilizing the word “DRAWRING”, of course the connotation still stands, therefore I need not be accused of misspelling said term.

TWO!!!- I hereby announce that the most abysmal wretch of a customer one can encounter in the profession of all customer service can be found if adhering to the following traits…

1. Said customer is a “BABY BOOMER” and this term as well has it own traits, being of the age 53-65, having lived through the sixties and loving every second of it, then of course selling out in the eighties, and then finally completely reversing all ethical, moral standing, and ironically being of the crowd who had the mantra “don’t trust anyone over thirty” to “don’t trust anyone UNDER thirty”.  Also during there youth sometimes referred to “back in my college days” etc. having nothing but contempt for the federal government yet now clamoring for its social security tit.  Continuing with this general aspect, a complete and utter sense of entitlement for any and ALL things, most likely asking for a “senior discount”**etc.  And in this lies the making of a frothing pile of excrement of a customer.
2. Is a female who was formally a housewife, achieving little more than pumping out 2.3 children and little else of any merit.
3. Wears jewelery that follows the following constraints- awful color-ridiculous size diamonds (single or several depending on the level of money procured simply for marrying a man who was referred to as “fiscally sound” (doctor/lawyer etc.)).
4. Has an irregularly formed tannish complection  that defies natural logic
5. Has what can be described as an acute case of “lizard neck”
6. Has a constant wardrobe consisting of atleast one kind of animal fur/skin
7. Has an ill looking face evoking utter disdain in all things “below them”, and most importantly this evocation is achieved without little to no effort due to the fact that said face of disdain has been made permanent due to years of feeling and advertising to all the “fact” that any and all things deserve such aforementioned disdain.
8. Interacts with all employees with the same attitude and kindness that one would reserve to someone within the binds of indentured servitude.
9. Has simply no time to “dilly dally” and thus cannot find that which she wants promptly upon entering any and all places of commerce, after of course what they would believe as “searching desperately forever” and indirectly or more commonly DIRECTLY conveying that those responsible for such poor choice of product placement (i.e. the owner, employee helping them, and anyone who designed/built the facility in which this travesty is occurring) should be fired/sacked/let go/or docked pay.
10. Has decided that only the most obscure article of merchandise is that which they desire and expect it promptly procured due to her running out of time to make an “appointment” , said appointment ranges from of course any frivolous and needlessly costly thing one can do, and on average it is never revealed what said “appointment” is, simply that our very reality stands on the brink of destruction depending on her arrival or not.
11. Once receiving said article quite rudely due to the “seriousness” at hand immediately asks the employee what price is it? and more probably “there’s no tag on it. “let’s all masturbate in heinz ketchup grandma”  Sadly you the employee must rescue her from this dilemma by attempting the incredibly difficult task of rotating/turning over said article very slightly if at all to reveal the light at the end of the tunnel that is the cost of this article of dire importance.
12. Immediately decides that any procured article is far too costly whilst they hold it in one or both hands which are adorned with jewelry that if pawned would pay for the debt of any college student be it loans, credit cards, or both.
13. Chooses one of simply two options 1.-purchase said item 2.-leave.  Either course of action bursting with a new found definition of disdain which is mind boggling due to the fact that you the employee didn’t know that the human face was capable of such disgusting a visage.
14. Leaves you the employee a feeling of loss of faith in humanity and possibly one more stone added to the veritable great wall of china that is the embodiment of the silent rage for customers in general.
15. These are in no way the only traits of a horrible horrible customer, but I’m sure when it comes to one I’m sure, dear friends that this seems all too familiar

** in reference to senior discounts, this author believes, my faithful readers that the answer to “is there a senior discount?” should be calmly and correctly said as follows:

“No I’m sorry m’am there is not, for you see no one deserves an award or discount or that matter for simply NOT DYING YOU WASTE OF FILTHY PATHETIC SHIT IN THIS WORLD OF MEDICAL MIRACLES!! YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER WASTE OF GENETIC WORTHLESS TRASH!! IF ONLY YOUR PARENTS WOULD HAVE HAD ABORTION COVERED IN THEIR MEDICAL  INSURANCE PLAN, THIS LIFE FOR SO MANY WOULD BE IRREVOCABLY ALTERED IN THE MOST WONDERFUL AND PEACEFUL, HAPPY WAY.  MAY THIS OH SO MERIT WORTHY LIFE OF YOURS END WITH YOU WASTING AWAY INTO NOTHINGNESS WHILE YOU BEG FOR YOUR OWN DEMISE. I CURSE YOU TO LIVE OUT YOUR PATHETIC EXISTENCE YOU AWFUL AWFUL CUNT.” this answer could be said in any tone the user so decides.

that’s it I’m done, and if you actually read all the way to here then you know that at some point I inserted the term “let’s all masturbate in heinz ketchup grandma”, for this I thank you.

Now I’m off to drink myself retarded – oh and if this has offended anyone in anyway I sincerely apologize that you are a pathetic and oversensitive asshole.