I just saw Blade III: Trinity
My face hurts, from Hollywoods latest 50 million dollar money shot being fired directly into my eyes. The proud Blade Trilogy has ended in a fiery ash-covered mess that would make Mr. Wizard knock his bottle of corrosive acid off the Bunsen burner and into the face of a retarded kid standing nearby. Why Mr. Wizard you ask? Because the pure lack of science behind the visual gadgetry and science defying tools put to use to kill ˜vampires who are apparently just gun powder filled party favors who detonate at the slightest touch of metal or a well aimed punch. I dont know about you¦ but last I checked vampires were supposed to be scary not champagne poppers with sharp teeth who die by the thousands at the hands of even the most basically trained. They dont seem so scary any more. I will tell you one thing this movie will give me nightmares about, The Writers.
Now I realize that, on paper, gathering the screenplay writers from Babe: pig in the city, and Wes cravens ˜Look were killing things again “ And pulling half the effects crew off the set of ˜Jurassic Park 7: Theres a raptor in my coffee. Sounds like a grand idea. Like we could have the baddest vampires and the coolest catch phrases EVER! Unfortunately this is not the case. Let me begin the laundry list of fallacies included in the (hopefully) final episode in the Blade Saga.
1: Boomerang or Man-Hack?
The Blade toys have gotten more and more silly every time. There are bullets with little springs on them that glow and shoot doilies made of UV Smegma of course. And The classic 74 pound pistols to fire them. Along with what appears to be a knife-whip. Which while in theory sounds really cool, and visually impressive is something the ninja turtles would turn their heads and cough at seeing. Im sorry, I know its based on a comic book, but you cant SHOOT a knife attached to a cord made of fire and whip it around you in 24 foot arc to return back to its original position of +7 vs Vampire Todd McFarlane Knife. The next offender though, is the ˜boomerang which I put in quotes as it shares no aerodynamic similarities to an object, that when thrown, that will return to its starting point In fact, it looks like a Yomega brain yo-yo painted silver with 2 pairing knives glued to it. And I know what youre thinking, I bet you could throw that and have it come right back to you! Shutup you physics failing fucktards. There is a lovely scene where this thrown ˜item flies through 13 vampires in sharp triangular arc that also elevates 10 feet and is easily caught. Suffering no apparent kinetic loss of energy by sawing through a bakers dozen of the undead. This is not good science.
2: Evolution is a piece of shit
What else is bad science? The line from the movie, and heres the actual quote: This guy has never had to evolve, hes perfect! No, no, no, bad writers, BAD! Lets put this in perspective and follow evolution backwards for a couple million years. Where did all life form? Assumedly from slimy green algae that asexually split apart and thought slimy little thoughts, with no apparent blood sucking tendencies. However, apparently there is a Vampire algae That can split into 2 microbes that look life fangs and eat the particles out of other innocent baby microbes that cannot defend themselves against this perfect being. And the bad guy of this movie is apparently made of algae, as he has ˜never had to evolve “ Goddammit! Im spitting on my monitor and trying to read my words through a fiery haze of burning hatred for screenplay writers that shit on script paper and make millions of dollars for shaping the turds into pretty pretty words! Who evolves dramatically in their own life-span? Who would ˜never have to evolve?? And since when did the ugliest shape changing demon with detachable jaws and a big hard-on for melodramatic armor get called The perfect Being???? I hate every one of you.
3: A little experiment
Heres a thought, turn on your oven as high as it will possibly go (400-500 FahrenheitI assume) and let it sit there for a good hour. Then open the door to the oven and Jam as much of your body inside as possible as if the grim reaper himself were ass raping you into it. Now how does that feel? A LITTLE HOT! There is a scene from the movie where they pull out what would seem to the untrained eye to be a “ Transforming non-functional bow made of Blue fire “ While I was immediately, in my foolish brain, assuming that this must be a laser cutter of some sort, and it seems to slice through vampies pretty quick and easy. Simple, done deal. Right? RIGHT? No! This unnamed DOOM weapon is described as a UV beam that is HALF AS HOT AS THE SUN Now, from our earlier experiment and the consequent 7 months of physical therapy, we have discovered that hot things are hot. And why, oh lord above, why, this device, upon activation, does NOT kill every living thing within a 7000 mile radius, I dont know. This concentrated blue beam was invented by people who had never been to THIS website, as even from the Astronomy for kids guide book will tell us, that the sun, at its center is 27,000,000, let me spell this TWENTY-SEVEN-MILLION degrees Fahrenheit. Making this Hand Held cutting device a calm, cool, 13.5 million degree pocket sized arc welder. Now my assumption is that the introduction of this doomsday device would be the swift and merciful end of an already vomit inducing movie. Alas, no, this device is simply swung around occasionally at a few baddies and quickly put away.
4: Im covered in flaming dust
Now couple all these wonderful factoids with dialogue written by a dyslexic turtle with a bachelors degree in bullshit. And a crew of actors that while lacking any real talent, sure look nice with their shits off. This includes the model cum Ninja girl (Jessica Biel) that they threw in so they could have a shower scene that didnt involve Wesley snipes naked black ass grinding against Kris Kristoffersons walking corpse, as the man has now reached the ripe age of 244 years old! The only saving grace of ˜actors in this moving picture was Ryan Reynolds, who is basically Jason Lee, if Jason Lee lived in a gym made of steroids and had sex appeal instead of just gnomish charm. His painful humor kept the movie interesting at parts where Parker Poseys hair kept trying to eat the camera and simultaneously close her open-front skirts as even Demon hair couldnt stand THAT sight. In conclusion, Just about every single object and person in this movie explodes into steaming hunks of flaming debris and dirt, this includes the script.
On a side note, I heartily recommend seeing this movie as an alternative to Ramming as many heated ball bearings into your ass as possible while running over broken glass covered in anthrax into the gaping maw of Parkey Poseys 200 year old snatch.