Best and Worst Break-up Techniques

As several of my ex-girlfriends that remain alive will be able to tell you… There’s a right way and a wrong way to do everything. More particularly, there is a right and wrong way to Break up with someone. I think we’ve all been in that situation where a relationship has lapsed or reached its end and you’re now interested in having rough un-committed sex with someone else’s Green Grass. But how best to EXPRESS these ideals… without damaging yourself or your soon-to-be former partner too greatly? Let’s look at some options.

#1 – Wrong Way
“By Text Message”
Although its much more common to communicate by SMS text messaging, using this as a means of breakup is a big No/Go/Lsr. For one thing its hard to express yourself fully. For another, its very difficult to take someone seriously when you have to speak in short-code (1337speak), so “its nt wrking out fr me, i no u feel tht way 2…” Just not going to cut it.

#2 – Right Way

“By Turning Gay”
This one is not nearly as common. Sometimes used as an escape, sometimes its simply that you: Swing the rainbow colored pennant on the wrong side of the hetero-fence, that you’ve developed a taste for teletubbies, you dance disco, pick out curtains, shop on the other side of the mall, wear sleeveless leather vests, develop a lisp, have awkward slumber parties, have the worst parent chat, start watching drag shows, slipping fruit martinis… I think you get the idea.

#3 – Wrong Way

“With Vandalism”

Despite the fact that you think your signifigant other deserves horrific torture at the hands of Satan himself… There’s always the pesky matter of the Law vs The Golden Rule. While they probably deserve a lot worse, spray painting your break-up message all over their prized porsche 911 may not be the best way to drive your point home. On the flip-side if you use obtuse wording and maybe steal the stereo it could appear to the police as simple vandalsim. Just have an alibi ready and avoid slashed tires (sure giveaway).

#4 – Right Way

“Bang and Blame”

Let me run through a scenario and you can tell me if this sounds familiar. You finally get around to dropping the big news, the relationship is concluded and now you’re both sitting face to face, wondering what to do next. Suddenly you’re naked on the floor having the most crazy tearful ridiculous sex you’ve ever had. Like a famous baseball player in his last game, You’ll try extra hard to knock it out of the park one last time, before parting ways and finding reasons to hate each other. Its happened to a lot of people, don’t feel bad about it. If the bang and blame technique was so bad, would REM write a song about it?

#5 – Wrong Way

“Skywriting”

Some find the notion of skywriting a marriage proposal very romantic, or so expensive, it has to be appreciated. However if the urge strikes you to write the end of the relation in smoky letters ’30 foot high’ in the great blue beyond for the entire city to read, you’re either very rich, or you got burned big-time. I won’t say there’s never a time to skywrite “Janice Grifflock is a Cheating whore” above the golden gate bridge, but make sure its the RIGHT time. (Rush Hour)

#6 – Right Way

“Simple Phone Call”

This is one that can quickly run aground if not executed properly. Some would prefer to do things in person, but if you’re the distant or detached type, or extremely busy, its okay to dump the lump with a straightforward phone call.

I will point out that while its okay to break up with people by phone, there are situations where you shouldn’t call… During sex with your new partner, while skydiving, while you’re sitting across the table from them, while drunk, or in a conference call with your boss.

#7 – Wrong Way

“Ransom Note”

Whether its given as a simple message, or you actually kidnap their pet/brother/plant/friend and threaten to kill them if the relationship is not terminated to your satisfaction. Ransom notes are generally considered not the way to go. There’s the interminable jail sentence that sometimes comes afterward. And the always slim possibility that they can’t let go and you’re forced to commit murder/mutilation toward an innocent, then again… maybe thats your thing. If thats the case, I might suggest that you not date, anything, ever. Or we could have dated already.

So we’ve gone over the ups and downs of breakups in general. There is no simple way to go about this… Sometimes the burden of monogamy comes lurking around your house like a ninja with tits. Some people aren’t cut out for relationships or aren’t ready for them. Some people just change and in rare occaisions require exorcism or killing. Just keep in mind that this is probably not that time. So bite the bullet, go do what you have to do… But do it the RIGHT way, or so exorbitantly wrong that you become famous.