10 Interesting and Disconcerting Facts, about the Author

Fact #1: I once lived for 7 months off only Shrimp Flavored Ramen Noodles, except for one time about 3 months in, where I cooked a frozen pizza in a home fireplace, it burned… I still ate it.

Fact #2: I sometimes yearn for a tapeworm… Not because of the supposed pro’s and con’s of having one, but simply to have a friend with me at all times (In my Colon). Plus, I’d train my tapeworm to strike when you least expect it.

Fact #3: I remember every book I’ve ever read, and you can show me the cover and I can give you a synopsis of the book itself. This includes horrible books like romantic fiction and some penthouse letters where the twins are “At it again”. I would like this part of my brain removed. (double fact!)

Fact #4:
I’m horrible at math, and when I was in High School, I took algebra 3 times and had nightmares of 7th graders laughing at me while solving complex equations with ridiculous ease on an endless blackboard.

Fact #5: I’ve jumped from a moving car on the freeway, at an estimated speed of 65 mph, I was high on Acid at the time. I was only slightly bruised.

Fact #6: I was raised Christian by parents that are both different religions, neither of which are Christian. I am currently an Atheist and seeking therapy.

Fact #7: I’ve had at least one sexual fantasy about Helen Keller, but before you condemn me completely, I don’t actually know what she looks like, I just figured it would be interesting to hear the noises. (Or to see someone ‘sign’ an orgasm)

Fact #8: If you basically collected 15 of the most perverse, sexually addicted, and depraved individuals you know and combined them all into ONE human being… I’ve seen more porn than him.

Fact #9: When I set out to write this list, I considered making the whole thing up, then I realized the truth is much worse, and therefore funnier. While I occasionally exaggerate, they’re all based in truth to some degree, and I once fucked a pillow.

Fact #10: I have held over 20 jobs, some of which are Dishwasher, Book Editor, Journalist, Forklift driver, Bookstore , music store, Web Designer, Creative director, market researcher, customer service call center, tech support, internet sales, Barista, Retail, optical laboratory, Movie theater, Cameraman, Actor, Home improvement, Sales rep, Kinkos/CopyJockey, Watch Repair, Security, Bar Bouncer, and I hope to someday be famous.

There’s TEN fun facts about me, many of which can be combined into yet more facts, that start to make you think you might not want to hang out with me anymore. But you’re in for the RIDE now bitches! Mwhahahahhaha

5 thoughts on “Ten Disconcerting Facts”
  1. 😀
    Love it. I started reading these, and then realized that I had actually heard these stories before. You have such a weird life. But the humping the pillow thing…hmm.

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