When you are brushing your teeth while driving, it is important to have the same location for the toothbrush and toothpaste, spit cup and water bottle. The spit cup should be whatever fast food soda cup you threw into the backseat in an effort to block out the experience of having eaten fast food the last time you sinned. Aren’t you always saying how bad fast food is and how earnestly you avoid it as if it was trying to force it’s way inside of you? I’m sorry, but the chulupa is not trying to rape you, my friend; you’re asking for it.

The water bottle should be tucked into that magazine pocket on the backside of the passenger seat, for all those magazines nobody reads in cars. But that glacier of laundry that seems to be carving the back seat canyon area into existence is three feet deep, so you don’t really have any friends. You smell, persona non-friendus.

The toothbrush and toothpaste should be prominently displayed in the center cup holder, so that the world knows: hey, I may look like I live in here (I don’t live in here: you don’t ever want to see where I live, it isn’t safe), but I’m not without my pride.

Apply the toothpaste at a red light, do not try to paste your brush in motion, you’ll end up with a stain on your pants that looks mischievous at best. Brush as long as you can stand it, because eventually some passing motorist will look at you and smile with a hint of pride at how well you multi-task. Be sure to look away quickly so as to avoid the subsequent look of disgust as they notice all the un-bagged trash piled up on your passenger seat. You’ll want to hold onto that glimpse of approval from another human being the way you hold onto to all that valuable trash. (You know there’s some very important papers in there, you just know it!)

[Hey, remember people? Those things you used to touch that occasionally touched you back? My God it’s been so long…the other day you almost got wood at the gas station when the old woman behind the counter handed you change…]

All done? Now it’s time to rinse. Grab that water bottle from it’s quiver and swish, then roll down the window on the freeway and blow it out so that the wind throws it right back in your face. Then remember the spit cup and think about all of the things in your life that you have done. Don’t worry, there should be a tissue somewhere in all that shit…

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