Adam Allyne

Adam Allyne is… all things to all people. He is seen regularly in tortillas of any and all Spanish speaking countries. Whenever playing Oregon Trail, he names all of his family members Adam….none of them die….ever. When asked “Where did you get all those Nobel Prizes” that lined his bookshelf, he glared suspiciously and accused us of trying to rob him. A man of caution, clarity, and other C-Words. I seriously wouldn’t ask him about his Nobel Prizes, it’s clear that he’s won them, through some means or another and no further digging is needed.

He holds several world records, all of them revolving around Interpretive Dance. Michaelangelo was once quoted as saying “everything I know, that means dick, I learned from Adam Allyne”, scientists have yet to explain anything at all regarding this….at all. It’s been proven that he is the direct inspiration for Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven”, Steven King’s “Cujo”, and Elton John’s “Rocketman”.

Adam invented the Salad Fork and the UnSalad Fork, as well as that thing in the toilet that keeps the bobber from floating up all the goddamned time. He’s graduated magna cum laude from the school of hardknocks and the “streets” respectively. He has a dinner date next week with the Mayor. Which is true when you read this, as he ALWAYS has a dinner date with the Mayor every week. I Think it’s clear that Adam is quite possibly both the single greatest living human being and a ruthless dictator with a penchant for flaired pants. Please DO NOT TOUCH THE FUCKING NOBEL PRIZES…