There’s been a lot of talk about the upcoming “Console Wars” See our earlier article about Xbox360 vs PS3.
We think it would be better to focus on the future of gaming, or some similar nonsensical string of buzzwords, like the “Paradigm of Virtual Life” You see I’m so clever I could just title this article all day long. But the future can’t wait! (zing) Here are my predictions.
The New Names:
We all know the new consoles are now called the “Xbox 360” and the “Playstation 3” and “Nintendo Revolution” But what will the consoles AFTER that be called? Here are some predictions for Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo.
Sony 4th Generation console name ideas
1. Playstation 4 XP
2. StationPlay -4
3. PS The footnote
4. The Not X-box
5. The Silver Baboon
6. Megatron
Microsoft 3rd Generation Console name ideas
1. Xbox 720!
2. SeXbox
3. Apple Mac G6
4. Xbox 3: XXX State of the console
5. YBox
6. AlmostPC
Nintendo 6th (sorta) Generation console name ideas
1. GameSphere (you heard it here first!)
2. Maximum Revolution Demolition
3. The “Please buy it”
4. Pokemon Platform
5. Wacky Fun Thingy
6. Playskool will buy it and call it *babysitter box*
Now that I’ve asserted my Genius we can all rest easy but what Features will be included with the New wacky digital wave of techno virtual-buzzword filled gaming superfuture?? (phew thats getting long winded)
Featuring Features!
Sony Playstation4 –
Up to 37 wireless controllers!
So you can all have postage stamp sized segments of the screen and go blind within MINUTES!
19 Quad Core cross parellaxed CellX Processor Magix
This is case your Sonybox needs to calculate Pi every 1/130000th of a second or run that SETI crap, whatever…
Cock-Slot Memory sticks
Simply insert your genitalia into the Blo-Job memory slot to have your game progress embedded in the shaft of your penis with hydraulic force! And they say gaming isn’t sexually diverse, girls can play, they just can’t save without the “Sony-Strap-on Pro Duo Cards”
Organic Storage Unit 1x
In an effort to cram more storage into a small medium we’ve decided to utilize the endless potentional of the organic genetic structure. Your games will now come on small slimy sentient creatures that vaguely represent a seahorse crossed with a monkey. When the new storage medium is upgraded you can simply breed your games for instant upgrades (or mini-games)
Spotlight AC adaptor
Sony likes style, hell sony almost SPELLS style if you’re dyslexic or retarded. And they like to make the best looking hardware on the planet. So to exemplify their mission statement (To make the world sexier and to use memory sticks) The Ac adaptor for the wall plug also includes a flexible 2000 watt halogen spotlight to direct at the console’s highly reflective sexually deviant profile.
*Note: pointing the Spotlight AC at any object other than a Sony product will result in fragments of white-hot bulb glass flying into your pets and children.*
**NOTE:note::this may happen anyway Sony is a harsh mistress**
Microsoft Xbling 3
FREE Forklift!!
The Xbox has gotten smaller but with the increase in density and technology the next generation of xbox will weigh in the neighborhood of 7 tons, (right next door to Oprah! oooh) And you need some way to get it to your friends house short of forming a cadre of slaves to lug it.
Wireless Wired controllers
The current Generation of consoles feature wireless controllers, but what happens if you lose them? There’s no tracking down player two in your filthy hovel of an apartment, what’s a game geek to do? Well we plugged the parameters into Microsoft Logic 2009 (now with thinking!) and it suggested we tether the wireless controllers permanently to the console so you’ll never lose your wireless controllers,
*Note* Tether is 27 inches long and cannot be removed
Now with John!
As technology plummets inevitably forward, we are faced with more and more of a steep learning curve for the current wave of technology. Well focus groups have shown that people are comfortable with “Real People” And so the New Xbox will come with your very own Microsoft Technician. They have all been brainwashed and named John for your convenience. John is very helpful and not allowed to stray more than 3 meters from your console, he also can survive on sawdust for several weeks at a time.
Media Connected Pre-viewer
With Xbox already becoming a media hub in the home, we’ve taken it one step further. Instead of old fashioned “Tivo” functionality. The new Xbox will actually watch TV for you and tell you what you want to watch! The commercials (and parts of the show) that Xbox finds ‘boring’ will be replaced with still images of Bill Gates vacation to India!
The Nintendo Embolysm (7th gen)
Will come in Fuschia…
Mauve and Taupe coming soon.
Well that’s all the time we have for today, we hope that this will give you all some perspective on the current trend of videogaming and realize that you don’t have to leap naked out your bedroom windows to buy the latest and greatest console. Because there’s always something overhyped and slightly better in the distant horizon. I guess in this sense, it’s like marriage. Gee I think we’ve all learned a lesson today. Don’t get married or stick your genitalia in a pre-4th generation console… Unless you’re married to the console.
-Dick