Every damn day. We all know the oppressive, addicting, internet-black-hole that is Myspace.

We all have friends on there, whether or not you know it, whether or not you’d like it, you’re on there, your friends are on there, and if you’re not on there, there’s probably a fansite dedicated to your genitals or sleeping habits or a creepy “naked photo blog” about you and your last 3 signifigant others. Trust me, you have ties to myspace. Which is fine… But.

I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, Well most of you anyway. Coming from the standpoint of a web developer, maybe not the best one to ever walk the face of the earth or anything, but a web developer nonetheless, I’ve had to endure countless lectures and reading materials about “Good design” And let me tell you, “Good Design” is about 88 Trillion miles, a hop, skip, jump, and some change away from most people’s Myspace Profiles.

Floating pink text, 7 flash games, oversized pics and PINK AND GREEN?Quicktime with waving mexican flag and page from FHM good choice...

So Let me be more specific in my hatred, and tell you just exactly what pisses me off about bad myspace profiles.

#1: Music Videos (They’re not comments, they’re not fun)


Just to point out how annoying this current little trend is, I’ve included my own and it can serve as background music for you, and even if you’re playing music. Even if you don’t like this type of music. Even if you have 66 other myspace pages open each with their own 7 music videos on each page force feeding you the worst cacophony of late 90’s and modern pop you’ve ever heard, EVEN IF YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO MUSIC VIDEOS AND WILL DIE… too bad.

You see people found that they can drop some code in their page and get a music video to play (sometimes in windows media format, sometimes in quicktime – additional download to play) And at first it wasn’t that bad because it was only on their page, and if it really sucked you could usually just stop it because it’s probably right in front of you. NOT ANYMORE, now people leave fucking comments with music videos in them. COMMENTS!! They send messages with music videos or in some rarely retarded cases they put MORE THAN ONE on their own page. It’s gotten out of hand people, you have a cute little text box on the left hand side to write down what kind of shitty music you like. You don’t need to start streaming up my bandwidth with Britneys spears “pregnant sex mix” The reason boomboxes went out in the 80’s and everyone has mp3 players with headphones now is so that you enjoy 1000 hours of total shit and keep it to YOURSELF. Stop posting videos, anywhere, at any time, bad. (As a final fuck you to people that post music videos, you’re worse than that guy in the sea-foam green acura with a 7 foot spoiler bumping his 3 subs so hard you laugh at him for having a tiny penis.)

#2: Flash, Java, Scripts, Games, DIE!

Isn’t this fucking annoying?
(hover over this text to see what I mean)
It gets so much worse than this folks, there are huge flash games that take minutes to load, seven games on one page, a game where you save hamsters from imminent death, click on pictures of bunnies and red dots (okay the red dot one was funny) And they make noises and flash like they’re performing a mass murder on all epilectics. They’re posted on pages, comments, emails, your moms house, the face of the planet. They’re everywhere. People, I’m being very serious, I’m only going to say this once. They’re not cute, they’re not fun, they don’t make you look clever, and I will personally come to your house and soak you in kerosene and beat you with a pillow case full of bic lighters until you either burst into flame or die and then burst into flame. I hate people.

#3: colors COLORS colors #0066FF?

Hmm, now I’m a big fancy web designer, so I know I’m just being elitist here when I
say FUCK YOU. Red does not go with pink when it comes to
text. Black doesn’t go with dark grey, pink doesn’t go with bright green,
orange doesn’t go with brown, Text has to contrast,
but not so much that Tokyo shits itself people! You choose the worst bac
kground colors and text colors and link colors and things that just plain don’t make
sense. You’ll see fashion experts who work for Gucci and can spot a poorly dressed model at 300 yards sticking Bright pink
text against an even brighter pink background with lime green links and huge chunks
of float
ing letters in every color that the 80’s made illegal. Stop it, just stop, I’m b
egging yo
u, we don’t really want to read your 17 page rambling teen angst profile, but if we chose to, the
text should be readable. If you need a guide, then you shouldn‘t be picking your
own damn colors, black and white, stick
with that. We might actually read your “Comicon
Star Trek Blog” if you did (I’m lying).

#4: Comments are not your goddamned Email

Here are some Examples of comments I see all the time.


Hey Girl you’re totally right!
Wow that was cool I can’t believe you stuffed that in your mouth!
Anal Rective!:
That thing you commented me about was so fucking rad, we should talk more about that, oh and pick up some stuff at the store, and your mom called said she disowns you, and I got some more of those things you like that we only talk about in private (butt plugs!!)
Yes, no
I have no FACE!
Oh man this is better than email because the terse private indecipherable messages we toss back and forth like retarded primates can be enjoyed by everyone!

#5: Chain letters

Nuff said, they don’t come true and you have the IQ of a fucking baby carrot. I send back a Virus every time I get one to prove that bad things will happen BECAUSE of chain letters getting passed around, someone has to teach you pathetic bags of child-like urges.

#6:You (and your photos)

These things don’t work

1. An image the size of a postage stamp
2. An image of your pet or kid (let them get their own page)
3. An image of nothing at all! (point the camera at people or things)
4. An image so blurry you could be a badger or alien…
5. If you’re ugly, don’t post 20 pics of yourself almost naked
6. If you’re really pretty, post some more naked pics
7. We don’t care about your friends, they’re not ours, and if they are, they have their own damn profile… stop posting them for your pics.
8. Artwork (Yours or someone elses) go to an art site and stop shitting digi-art of fairies everywhere.
9. No Image, what are you a vampire? Casper? Immune to film? Take a photo asshole.
10. If you have 2 photos, but one of them is really really bad, just post the good one, I’ll forgive you for not having 2 photos. (or just post the bad one and I can ignore you completely.
11. Pictures from a webcam… no no
12. Pictures of celebrities, what the fuck is wrong with you?
13. A picture of you in the mirror, get some friends.
14. A picture of you holding the camera pointed at your face, get some more friends.


I’ve pretty much ranted myself out here, so I’ll leave you with this little factoid, this small tidbit of information that may do you some good.

People always ask me why I don’t ‘spice’ up my profile more, since I’m a web designer and all, it could be really cool! Well here’s why. Someone who gets paid more than I do for web design made the myspace format and I happen to think it’s great. To top that off, from a plain old ‘designer’ standpoint, I have not seen ONE, not fucking ONE profile that even comes close to looking better than the regular profile. Does that cheer you up you fun little modders spewing design out of your bored gamer-holes? Let me repeat that, I’ve seen every one of your crazy black and purple modded video enchanced crazy profiles, and not a goddamn one is better than the REGULAR one. Switch to Default my friends, switch to default. You’re not that unique anyway.

– Adam A.

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