I’m often consulted as the worlds fore-most leader on the origins of the Christmas Holiday. I’m also consulted for ways to make the perfect omelette and where to find a picture of Britney Spears Vagina. But assuming you’re wearing pants and you’re not making breakfast, you want the skinny, the facts on Christmas and I’m here to give them.
1. Christ + Mass = Energy
The name “Christmas” is in itself an equation, created by famed mathematician Andrew Lloyd Gershowitz in the year 380 bc. Some of the earliest mathematicians couldn’t find a way to integrate science and religion. This being well before the ‘creationist theorem’ which was invented by apes in the late 14th century and largely held to be scientifically ‘dumb’. So Gershowitz’s theorem or “Gershie’s guess” Is that Nativity and relativity could co-exist through the simple concept that Jesus was in fact, a number. As this is largely before the supposed birth of Christ, no one could contest this long-standing theory.
2. Weirdos and You’s
Some of us sit in our caves and hovels around the blessed time of year resenting those blasphemed Zionists who light the menorah. Semites, or the “Chosen People” choose to forgo the idiosyncrasies of Christmas by having a week-long holiday of gifts and cannibalism. These people are widely considered by the religious populace as very wrong. Nevertheless, few people know what a pivotal role the Weirdos play in our beliefs in Christmas. If the Weirdos hadn’t (over)paid several dozen Roman soldiers to desecrate and crucify Jesus, he would in fact be alive today and all our presents would go to HIM on the day of his greedy, greedy virgin-birth.
3. The Big Tree
Many of us have enjoyed the age-old tradition of going into the snowy wilderness, finding a beautiful and sturdy Pine (or Douglas Fir) And Beating it to death in front of its Tree-shaped babies before decapitating it and dragging it home on the ski-rack of our collective Volvo station-wagons. This tradition can be traced back as far as 2000bc, well before the advent of Christmas, when our ancestors would bring home trees in the hopes of mating with them, generally in an un-successful fashion. However to this day we still attempt to ‘whore out’ the dilapidated Pine with enough glitz and tinsel to make Marilyn Monroe blush, hoping to someday gain its favor (sexually).
4. Saint Klaus
Almost directly associated with the Christmas Holiday is the Obese Demon called Santa Claus. Santa was in fact a real person living in the early dark ages in Northern Europe. While he is typically presented as a Jolly-yet-Obese Man in Red, he is better known by educated historians as Saint Klaus, the Bloodsoaked Mass Murderer of Britannia. Whose modus operandi included climbing through the chimneys of innocent families, Raping their Pine trees and devouring children in front of their parents. While he wasn’t actually known to wear clothes, prior to his capture/hanging by the townsfolk of Callantina. His cheerful red outfit was inspired by the spattered gore of his victims forming his only body covering… Still to this day he remains a potent and meaningful figure in modern myth, to show children the price of being “Naughty”.
5. The Future of X-Mas
Having covered the roles of Judiasm, the Origins of the Christmas name, and how it came to be, we’re faced with the question of the Modern Holiday and how it has changed over the years. We no longer celebrate the same traditions of the season as our predecessors of ancient times. For instance, the opening of presents used to simply be the exchanging of compliments between family and friends. This eventually became a process of exchanging goods when there simply was nothing good to say about the rotten bastards you live with, creating a more consumerist approach to well-being. In recent times the very mention of Christmas has been deemed somewhat ‘Politically incorrect’ but mostly by Fascists, Weirdos and Republicans. No the deep-rooted traditions of Christian gift exchanges supposedly delivered by a freakish cannibal to show our love to those we care little about, are showing no signs of stopping now. So I urge you to spread the Joy of the coldest (and deadliest) season of the year, but finding people of all cultures and religions (other than Catholic/Christian) and ramming a thoughful present into their non-believing heathen faces.
Tis’ The Season