Home, Lists

Top Ten Ways for me to Die

As I was talking to my good friend Jonathan “Jonk” Jonktastic, we started talking about the coolest ways to die. Then about the ways we would most likely die. Then, because I had the gusto to actually write it down on the internet, it became “The top ten ways FOR ME to Die”

#1: Overdose of being Awesome

(This is an unfortunate side effect of being incredibly awesome, as sometime the burdens of awesome-ness becomes too much to bear. I’ll be forced to become all things to all people and implode from pure awesome energy.)

#2: Being punched in the face by Jesus/God/Chuck Norris

(Any one of these Manly-Men have proven that they can pretty much punch your face so hard it will shit out its own brain and become a vortex of pain to serve as a lesson to other people who deserve a punching. And since I’ve actually offended all three of these candidates at some point in time, its likely to happen)

#3: Choking on Vomit (mine or otherwise)

(Like all great Rockstars, an early end in an embarrassing manner is essentially status quo to skyrocket your career out of the cursed one-hit-wonder state of being and into pure “Hendrix-Lasting Goodness” )

#4: Crushed by Own Ego*

(The pain of being pulled under an irresistable force and probably crapped on)

*Ego is actually represented by a herd of Stampeding Caribou

#5: Killed after watching “Ring 2”

(Not because the villian became real and killed me from beyond the grave, but rather because I took my own life due to the fact that the movie was the worst ever made, and positive proof of evil on earth.)

#6: Asphyxiating on Giant Foam Novelty Vagina

(I have no explanation for this… only a feeling. A premonition if you will)

#7: While using my broken iPod to remove the heating coils from my Toaster to Repair the clock-radio thats built into my computer while bathing/cleaning my Extension cord collection, slipped and hit head on toilet.

(Yeah I know, who saw THAT coming?)

#8: Instantly beaten to death after a German Madman resembling Jeremy Irons forces me to walk through harlem wearing a sandwich board covered in racial epithets…

(While this seems likely to happen it also seems eerily familiar…)

#9: Forced to swallow own head after Infamous “Triple Dog Dare” Challenge.

(Thats what happens when you progress past the already unstable arena of ‘Double Dog Dares’ Remember this lesson children, if he doesn’t want to do it, or it seems physically impossible, settle for watching them piss themselves.)

#10: Hand to Hand combat with Alex Trebek ends with cheap-shot as he violates the rules and produces a switchblade, screaming “What is: I’ll fucking cut you Bitch!?”

(We all knew it would come to that some day. “I’ll take ‘Deadly Knife Fights with the Host‘ for 1000 dollars..”

(First Runner Up: Midget Juggling gone horribly wrong)

(Second Runner Up: Heart Disease)

(Third Runner Up: Bludgeoned to death by Angry Blog Readers)

Special thanks to “Jonk”

Comments

comments