Dear Christina,

It’s me Adam. Adam Allyne from You probably don’t remember me, and that’s because we’ve never met or spoken. However I remember you. I’ve seen just about every movie you’ve ever done. From your Addam’s family days, to your dark spooky Ice Storm, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Buffalo 66′ days. To your Sleepy Hollows and even wrapped in a pink bubble gum shell in Speed Racer, or dowdy and down on your luck in Bucky Larson.

We’re roughly the same age, you and I. I’m more than a fan, I’m an admirer. Your eyes open all the way past the edges of your irises, giving you a slightly manic look, that I never get tired of. You’re curvy, petite and seem to age beautifully. You’re just as pretty now as you were when you started acting.

Now, I know you’re probably in a relationship, and with full disclosure so am I. However due to your fame I’ve been given the go-ahead to try to sleep with you. I’m not sure if we can have an emotional bond without compromising both of our relationships, nor do I want graceless spin-off sex with you (although I’ll take it if it’s on the table) I’d like to be your friend with benefits. Your friend who makes you laugh and occasionally tosses an orgasm your way. I’m not high maintenance. I’m not the best looking guy in the world, but I’m not bad either. I’m friendly, funny, charming and unafraid to tell you how I feel.

I don’t want any money, or fame, or to ride your coat-tails to greater opportunity. I think you’re awesome, interesting and attractive. I love your movies and what glimpses of your personality I can glean from mainstream media, your IMDB profile and the occasional interview or magazine expose. It’s not my intent to be creepy, I’d just be one of a million (I’m sure) if I just said that I love you and want you and yadda yadda yadda in some half hearted fan mail. So instead, I opt NOT to send this to you, but to hopefully have you find it naturally and come across a well spoken argument for making a new friend, possibly getting naked with him, or least having a hell of an interesting conversation.

Why bother? You have lots of friends, you have Hollywood. You not starving for attention and your current boyfriend is probably richer and more attractive than I am. I say, carpe diem, seize the day. No, I don’t offer a significant improvement in any way. But I’m bold, outgoing, funny, and adventurous. Not in a ‘hang-gliding off the golden gate’ kind of way. But the quirky kind of adventurous that could have us drinking cocktails on the roof of a shed while playing mad-libs using only Nouns. I’m taking a chance, a dare, that you’re that kind of weird, my kind of weird.

We can be friends, we don’t have to sleep together, but I think we should have our ducks in a row, that yes, I’m attracted. I cannot lie. I mean I can, but I wouldn’t lie to you. Unless it was the deciding factor. In which case, I have 18-pack abs and I am the worlds greatest polo player.  I would grow extra abs for you, and do situps for a month if we could hang out, and that’s the truth. (Except the impossible part of the previous statement)

I’m rambling now, you do that to me, even when you’re not here. But really, a phone call. Take a Chance.

Caught Bucky Larson this weekend, twice. With unexpected results.

When I first saw the trailer for Bucky Larson it looked awful. Any movie that capitalizes on a star with a strange defect (i.e. big ol’ buck teeth) seems like a sinking ship from the get go, all the jokes are pre-loaded and the humor has nowhere to go.

I’m one of the few people who really didn’t like “Grandma’s Boy” maybe it’s my fact checking history from the game industry, maybe I’m just a douche, who knows? But until recently I considered Adam Sandler movies to be the better ones and the rest of crew at “Happy Madison” who crank out the other movies to be the lesser studio. But now that Adam Sandler has sold his soul to the devil it’s starting to go the other way around. Case in Point – Bucky Larson.

Rather than rely on the same tired looking crew of Adam Sandler’s friends to push a movie through to completion they got some new talented people on board. Stephen Dorff, Christina Ricci (Whom I’m in Love With), Nick Swardson and a surprise out of left field with Don Johnson. Some of the most underrated people in comedy right now. People who are all funny and talented and should have more work.

This isn’t to say the movie is a masterpiece, but I have to give credit to the writing. They deftly avoid cliche after cliche in this movie, moving 2 steps ahead at all times. On the flip-side – It wobbles back and forth between trying a bit too hard to be a real romantic comedy, and a total parody of itself.

To sum up the plot, Bucky Larson is an Iowa kid from a podunk-backwoods town who has never masterbated and is recently fired from his job bagging groceries. His friends, to cheer him up, show him his first porno, an old 70’s adult movie. Which ends up starring his parents. Rather than be disgusted, Bucky is entranced by being the son of two film ‘stars’ and goes to Hollywood to find his destiny. To be in adult films, just like his parents. This off the wall premise leads to him meeting a love interest, and being set back slightly by the fact that he has an absurdly small penis and immediately ejaculates with the first GLIMPSE of a boob, to hilarious effect.

Odd premise huh? But overall it’s unique. Don Johnson is the irascible, friendly, pill-addicted, well meaning porn director who gives Bucky his shot at porn. Nick Swardson while straddling the fence between a overly nice country boy with no shame, and an utter retard, is not the most charming of main characters but he plays his role – To The HILT. A bit part from Kevin Nealon ends up providing some of the best angry nonsensical non-sequiters ever put to film. Christina Ricci, while phoning it in just a bit, is still adorable and charming. And Stephen Dorff, as the hyper-aggressive and hung porn legend “Dick Shadow” is brilliantly over the top.

The insistence of this movie of grounding itself with a bit of reality is it’s only downfall. It’s jokes land, the actors ham it up to great effect and there’s a lot of character and personality. When it goes down the road of having a few serious moments and cheap jokes that belong in a crappier movie it tends to drag and get boring. With a clearer vision I think this movie could have pushed to almost “Anchorman” level humor but falls short due to it’s inability to decide what kind of movie it is. One minute Bucky Larson is clueless to the point of almost epic stupidity, the next he’s giving sage advice and acting like a grown up. Don Johnson is the nicest and warmest person in the world, and the next he’s screaming and doing 8-balls. There’s no comedy inherent in the transition it’s simply that the characters often act, out of character..

What I can offer you, brave readers, is that this movie is surprisingly worth seeing. I get the feeling a lot of the humor could benefit from an altered mind state, but it’s not required. From seeing it twice, I’ve noticed a few things. One, is that this movie is bombing, with terribly empty theaters that probably had the same first awful impression I got from the trailer. Two is that this is way more fun with a group, to share the inside-jokey humor and odd pauses. So bring a friend or three and go see it. Don’t expect to be blown away but you’ll laugh a lot. And that’s what comedies do…