You Knowing You(rself): A Sexual Self Assessment for the Hot Woman
You are at a very important time in your life when, like a flower made of skin, your vagina comes into bloom. It opens its petals up to the sun – or the right amount of hard lemonade and Axe Body Spray – and the lazy bumble bee glides down to pollinate. But before you can satisfy the bee’s self-centered needs you will have to more fully understand the process of vigorous pollination.
Part 1: Experience Assessment
The first phase of this test is a tool to help you understand your own level of experience. Please answer each question honestly and in as purple a prose as possible.
Have you ever kissed a man before?
Have you ever kissed a girl before?
Was that hot?
Was she hot?
Have you ever kissed two girls at once before?
Did you go further than that?
Did you involve toys?
Do you know what tribadism is?
Do you think that’s hot?
Have you ever been so mad at a girl that you want to perform oral sex on her vagina?
What about her anus?
What about both?
Do you have sex with guys?
What about girls?
Do girls know how to please you better?
Don’t you want a girlfriend who looks hot rather than one of those manly lesbians with the buzzcuts?
Is there anything hotter than two beautiful women making love?
Would it bother you if a man sat and watched while you had sex with another woman?
Would you allow him to masturbate while he watched?
Would you allow him to videotape it?
Would you allow him to videotape it and masturbate while he watched, then sell the videotapes, then buy one of the videotapes that he made and masturbate to that?
Who is more attractive to you: Clint Howard or Liv Tyler?
In as much detail as possible describe how you might seduce Liv Tyler:
Pretend you are taking a shower with her and suddenly you are overcome by passion. Describe what might happen:
Do you think it’s hotter when she wears the elf ears or when she’s wearing that half-sweater thing from Empire Records?
What do you think Liv Tyler smells like?
What about her vagina?
Take your time to answer each question. There is no time limit on this portion of the test.
In this final part of the self-assessment you will be presented with three social situations and four possible actions you can take in each situation. Only one action is correct, but none of the other choices are literally incorrect because as a hot woman you are free to do as you please. Just remember that not selecting the correct answer will result in a reduction in your final score.
1. You are at a party with a male friend from class. You are attracted to him, but not too attracted to him. As you start to enjoy the party and have some drinks you see a newcomer at the party. She has huge 38 DD breasts with erect nipples visible through her skin-tight Female Body Inspector t-shirt. Her shirt is white, by the way. She turns around to bend over and you can see up her skirt and she isn’t wearing panties and that makes you feel funny inside. You start to say something to her but then the jerk that you are with waves to a friend and knocks the cup out of your hand and you spill your drink all over this girl’s t-shirt. It instantly becomes transparent and you can see her boobs.
a) start crying and run out of the party
b) go have sex with the guy because he probably put drugs in your drink and is going to knock you out and rape you (date rape, but still rape)
c) smoke crack cocaine and die
d) go get a towel and start rubbing the spilled drink on the girls boobs and then you make eye contact and a shiver goes through you and you say “I could clean that up with my mouth” and then you start making out and she takes her shirt off and you kiss her boobs and things only get hotter from there
2. You are at school and you share a shower with all of the other girls. Because you are shy about your growing body you don’t like to shower when the other girls are around because their huge firm breasts and curvaceous bodies make you feel strange. One day you are coming out of the shower and you see that your teacher is there and she looks very angry. You try to cover yourself up with the towel but she grabs it from you. “You have had very bad grades now I am going to have to fail you unless!” and she trails off and rubs her crotch and looks at you. Also, she is really hot with huge 44 EE breasts.
a) start crying and accept that you are going to fail her class
b) tell her you will try harder and then cheat in her class even though cheaters never win and you are only robbing yourself of an education
c) ask her if she wants to come back to your room to smoke crack cocaine and possibly die from smoking crack cocaine
d) Hug her so that your hard nipples are pushing on her boobs and then start kissing on her and unbuttoning her shirt while she starts to stick fingers into your vagina and then you perform oral sex on her and while you are doing it some other girls come into the shower and they see what is happening and take off their clothes and they do oral sex on you too
3. You are driving down the road in your car when you see a hitch hiker by the side of the road. You pull over and it is Liv Tyler in a bra and panties and she is wearing the elf ears from Lord of the Rings. She gets in and you ask her where she is headed and she says oh boy I am going all the way with you baby and she winks at you. You start to feel funny and she says I don’t have any gas money but I might be able to pay you back another way just tell me how I can pay you back and her nipples are rock hard through her bra.
You tell her!
a) that you will drop her off when you stop to buy alcohol that you are going to drink and then you’ll be drunk and you die in a drunk driving crash and kill a family of eight.
b) that you have a boyfriend who is very Christian and does not approve of the Lord of the Rings or hot women because he thinks they are of satan and that makes Liv Tyler really sad and the next day you see in the newspaper that she killed herself in her hotel and you realize it’s all your fault and it haunts you for the rest of your unhappy life
c) to get the crack pipe out of the glove compartment and you will do crack hits until your hearts explode
d) that there is a wooded area up ahead where you can pull off the road and you can lay down on the hood of the car while Liv Tyler does oral sex on your vagina and then you can bend her over the trunk of the car and do oral sex on her vagina but from behind and then you can do oral sex on each other at the same time also called “Pd” and that would be payment enough for the ride you are giving her and then it feels so good that you have like 50 orgasms in a row and you fall asleep in each others arms and wake up in Lord of the Rings and you are married and a bunch of white dragons fly up from behind Gandalf when you say “I do” and you live forever because you are both elves now
The correct answers to the multiple choice questions are as follows:
D, D and D.
Part 4: Self-Assessment
Now it’s time to assess how you did on the test. For grading, particularly on parts one and three, we recommend that you contact a very hot and open-minded female friend to help grade your answers. The answer to part one are very subjective. The more tingling she feels as she reads them the higher your grade should be. When you are done you will be rewarded with kisses to different parts of your body based on how you scored. If you scored in the F-range your friend will kiss your hand, D and above and she will kiss every inch of your body paying special attention to your!well, I’ll let you figure it out. Congratulations on your honesty, your diligence, your hotness and your willingness to explore sexual boundaries.