(TEXT: In light of recent surveys and statistics, the practice of “Drinking and Driving” has been determined to be not nearly as dangerous or stupid as was previously thought. And the current administration has deemed that drinking and driving is now legal. (Our lawyers insist that we state that none of this is not true at all) And so a public service announcement.)
Hello I’m here with a public service announcement about “drinking and driving”, its not all that bad. We’re here to give you some new information about this fun, harmless activity that may very well shock you. You’ve heard for years that Drinking and driving is a practice for fools, liars, and those are perpetually ill. Well its simply not true.
If you’ve become a victim of the “Liberal Agenda”” Here are some interesting facts that may blow your mind.
Fact: A number of driving accidents occur while sober.
Fact: Many accidents occur in or around the home.
Fact: Alocohol is not served in cars (limos excepted)
Fact: Murders occur outside of cars.
Fact: Hitler never drank.
Un-Fact: Ducks are indigeonous to the Gobi desert.
Un-Fact: Making love to animals is more fun while intoxicated.
Sure, you always hear stories about the drunk driver who crashes into a bus-load of puppies being ridden by catholic angels on their way to choir practice in a magical fairyland where car accidents are commonplace and families are strewn all over our great highways trapped in burning vehicles held in thrall by the angry “DRUNK driver”. Sounds pretty silly doesn’t it?
While this practice was formerly illegal, it isn’t anymore, and we’re excited about that. You might think its dangerous, but let me ask you this. Is shark hunting off the coastal pacific, covered in chum with no formal training and only a rusty hacksaw dangerous? Sure, but it’s not illegal.
Let me give you a few statistics that may shed some light into your previously darkened minds about driving while intoxicated. 99 percent of licensed US citizens drive at some point, 12-26 percent of those drivers have been known to exhibit bad driving habits, while SOBER. Drinking has been known to cause impairment of driving in the form of 10-33 percent impairment, if you are one of the 1 in 4 drivers who is a good driver and drive one of the 1-3 cars never involved in an accident, why that changes your chances of a drunk related driving accident from 1 in 23 to 23 in 230, isn’t that something? If one of 5000 imaginary cars drives two miles from the bar to home while intoxicated, the chances of being hit by those imaginary cars are astronomically low!
(Text: astronomical is neither a legal or definitive term)
Let me tell you something else about drunk driving that you may not know. IT’S FUN! It’s like NASCAR in space! Kids, its like riding a giant metal dragon that may or may not listen to your commands. Its a fantastic voyage and the journey is all that matters. Its like having your own roller-coaster that can go “WHEREVER you want”, *chuckle* and there’s NOTHING bad about that. (Un-Fact)
And so I leave you with a toast gentle viewer, to perk up, drink up, and drive all around town soaking in the sights. Now that the man isn’t getting you down, there’s nothing between you and hours of fun, just trying to find your own house!
(TEXT: This message brought to you by the Bush administration and the Farmers Coalition for Alcohol, Vehicles, Tobacco, Firearms and Wife beatings (FCAVTFWB) And is completely incorrect and verifiably false, do not emulate us or suffer the consequences in a guilt ridden hell of your own making.)
So we change the context of the monologue where he says “its FUN” and make the comments in that paragraph, viewer comments. I’m thinking for viewers we can get JW, Melissa, Carrie, and Marc, but those are all just suggestions of people we have on-hand, but its one line, just about anyone could do it?
Matlock / Marc / whoever, sign up for AIM (www.aim.com) and get a screenname and add me, username: WeaselBringer
Your post is on target. Keep it up.