Was getting over a cold/cough last week that was dragging me down. So I stopped drinking coffee and just focused on getting better for a while. So I got back to work today and picked up my first cup of coffee in a week.

WIZARDJUICE:: I can see light travel from one point to another. I can read the minds of office equipment and my stapler hates white people and staples, which is ironic. I can sense minute changes in air pressure from mosquitos that aren’t born yet. I am currently phase-shifting through various dimensions and each one is way more purple than the last. I feel like I could throw a giraffe through a Ford Escalade or vice-versa. My mind is currently planning it’s next 90 chess moves on an imaginary game with an AI it’s also developing in concurrent tandem. I can smell time passing…
(( I missed you coffee ))

I have an ongoing theory with Joe Krol that the movie Titanic is basically a story about torturing Bill Paxton by telling him a meandering 9 hour story about losing a girls virginity followed by throwing the culmination of his life’s work into the ocean in a romantic gesture / fuck-you to Bill. Long story short?
Rose is a terrible person who banged Jack, Stole a Priceless Jewel, refused to share a door that could have supported 3 people and let him freeze to death while she sat and watched, only to later ruin Bill Paxton’s life as well.

#TossTheJewel #2PeoplePerDoor #PaxtonHate

So usually I have one cup of coffee in the mornings and this weekend I only had coffee once. Then today like a genius I had a tall red bull.

My heart is a fire engine that can shoot ironic fire. I want to bench-press Batman who is bench-pressing a lion that’s loaded with gold because we’re riding that bitch to El Dorado Motherfuckers. To put the. gold. back.

My eyes can see through my eyelids and I can tell when you’re lying at 30 paces. I can type so fast I’m melting keyboards and the whole internet feels like dial-up. I just learned and forgot Japanese for the sole purpose of writing a meme to a cat who I built out of molecules. Also I can move molecules.

My brain feels like it’s full of joyous ants who are each riding bee’s into an spastic orgy of ideas. I have 9 senses and 3 of them are geared toward thinking about writing a novel about writing novels that’s geared toward illiterate ghosts.

I want to chase bullets and phase through matter. This isn’t a coffee post. This is a red bull post. You’re a red bull. All is red. I’m a bull. THIS BULL IS A DEMON AND I WILL DEFEAT IT. Why are hummingbirds so slow!?

Me: Hey Coffee, I don’t ever want to take you for granted.

Coffee: …

Me: Well every time you burn my mouth, it reminds me that I have to cherish you, or it will hurt like hell.

Coffee: …

Me: I guess relationships are like that in general, what’s the allegory here for the burning? Like fights? Do we fight in my mouth every morning?

Coffee: … *drip*

Me: Yes, Yes I’m being silly and filthy-minded. That’s my jam. But maybe the fights or the difficult times help us appreciate the better times?

Coffee: …

Me: God, you’re so wise… and hot.

Coffee: ….

Coffee Level: 10/12

I had extra strong coffee with a shot of espresso. I think i can squat thrust a fighter jet full of wolves. I just invented a new form of math, proved that it can’t exist and then turned it into a color nobody has seen before.

I can feel the emotions of trees and teach them to love lumberjacks. I am currently levitating about 3 inches off of my chair and typing with the wind-force of my eyelids.

I am coffee reborn. All is hot and brown. The fabric of reality is my hand puppet and I am currently moving at Warp 10 (which is nowhere at all).

‪#‎coffeelife‬ ‪#‎abittoofar‬ ‪#‎caffeinatedasfuck‬

Me: *Spits Out Red Bull* Coffee you’re here early.

Coffee: …

Me: Ah yes, this is Red Bull I was just in the mood for something different.

Coffee: …

Me: No no! It’s not what it looks like. Red Bull and I are just friends. It means nothing to me.

Coffee: …

Me: Seriously?! Like you’ve never had Cream or Frappe? What about the time you were iced?

Coffee: …

Me: You’re right I’m sorry. I should have at least included you. It just seemed like a lot all at once. Sometimes you just want some variety you know? You’re still my number one beverage.

Coffee: *burble*

Me: Sigh. You’re the best. You are. You.

Me: Coffee, I think it’s time we see where this relationship is going.

Coffee: ….

Me: I know, I know you don’t like labels, I just, can’t stop thinking about you.

Coffee: *Steams*

Me: I suppose it doesn’t matter what we call it…

Coffee: ….

Me: Well I like you black and I don’t care what people think of that. Obviously we’re an item and other people can just deal with that.

Coffee: *drip*

Me: I guess I am losing sight of the big picture, I mean love is love right? As long as you’re always there.

Coffee: ….

Me: I know I’m crazy, We all get insecure, just get in my mouth and let’s forget this ever happened.