Well I was chatting with my good buddy – Joe “The Giraffe” Krol, and got to talking about our mutual love of the one and only Bill Paxton. Often considered the finest actor who ever lived on the planet. Here is my list of Completely (Un)True Facts about “The Bard” Bill Paxton (RIP)

In 1948 Bill Paxton was declared the new “Rosetta Stone” and is the conduit for which all language now travels

Bill Paxton once lifted the earth to see if there was anything underneath and found a rare Nickel with an upside down face on it.

One time during an interview a reporter asked Bill Paxton to tell him “Everything he knew” and subsequently his head immediately exploded. Bill to his credit, was only trying to accomadate the reporter and was later aquitted of all 2nd degree murder charges

It’s said in the inner circles of acting, to imitate Bill Paxton is the ultimate “Method” and such greats as Robert Dinero, Marlon Brando and Bill Paxton himself all credit Bill Paxton as their greatest inspiration

Fun Fact: Bill Paxton actually played the metallic suit worn by Robert Downey Jr. in “Iron Man 1 & 2” Part 3’s suit was played by Amy Adams and a modified ice cooler.

Once on the set of Blue Lagoon, which Bill Paxton did not appear in, a Key Grip asked Bill Paxton for some advice on how to teach his kids to read. Bill Paxton proceeded to quote the entire bible from cover to cover and the Key Grips children learned to read that very night. Their names were changed to “Bill” and “Paxton” respectively out of admiration.

During a high stakes poker game, Bill Paxton bet the “Future of Human Race” and won with a straight flush, forcing the Devil ever deeper into hell.

There’s a rumor going around that Bill Paxton will play every role in a new version of Lord of the Rings that takes place in New Jersey and has twice the budget of the original Jackson version.

it’s a little known fact that Bill Pullman is actually a failed Bill Paxton cloning experiment perpetrated by the North Korean shadow government. Pullman believes himself to be Paxton under cover. They have never worked together due to Pullman’s fear of the truth.

Fun fact!! Bill Paxton is a actually a full functioning automaton created by Leonardo DaVinci in an underground layer in Atlantis. The sole purpose of the “B il Pax tune” or the “second end of peace then” was to be a shell for a philosophers stone in which lead was turned to gold to destabilize the world’s precious metal market.

Was getting over a cold/cough last week that was dragging me down. So I stopped drinking coffee and just focused on getting better for a while. So I got back to work today and picked up my first cup of coffee in a week.

WIZARDJUICE:: I can see light travel from one point to another. I can read the minds of office equipment and my stapler hates white people and staples, which is ironic. I can sense minute changes in air pressure from mosquitos that aren’t born yet. I am currently phase-shifting through various dimensions and each one is way more purple than the last. I feel like I could throw a giraffe through a Ford Escalade or vice-versa. My mind is currently planning it’s next 90 chess moves on an imaginary game with an AI it’s also developing in concurrent tandem. I can smell time passing…
(( I missed you coffee ))

I have an ongoing theory with Joe Krol that the movie Titanic is basically a story about torturing Bill Paxton by telling him a meandering 9 hour story about losing a girls virginity followed by throwing the culmination of his life’s work into the ocean in a romantic gesture / fuck-you to Bill. Long story short?
Rose is a terrible person who banged Jack, Stole a Priceless Jewel, refused to share a door that could have supported 3 people and let him freeze to death while she sat and watched, only to later ruin Bill Paxton’s life as well.

#TossTheJewel #2PeoplePerDoor #PaxtonHate

So usually I have one cup of coffee in the mornings and this weekend I only had coffee once. Then today like a genius I had a tall red bull.

My heart is a fire engine that can shoot ironic fire. I want to bench-press Batman who is bench-pressing a lion that’s loaded with gold because we’re riding that bitch to El Dorado Motherfuckers. To put the. gold. back.

My eyes can see through my eyelids and I can tell when you’re lying at 30 paces. I can type so fast I’m melting keyboards and the whole internet feels like dial-up. I just learned and forgot Japanese for the sole purpose of writing a meme to a cat who I built out of molecules. Also I can move molecules.

My brain feels like it’s full of joyous ants who are each riding bee’s into an spastic orgy of ideas. I have 9 senses and 3 of them are geared toward thinking about writing a novel about writing novels that’s geared toward illiterate ghosts.

I want to chase bullets and phase through matter. This isn’t a coffee post. This is a red bull post. You’re a red bull. All is red. I’m a bull. THIS BULL IS A DEMON AND I WILL DEFEAT IT. Why are hummingbirds so slow!?

Me: Hey Coffee, I don’t ever want to take you for granted.

Coffee: …

Me: Well every time you burn my mouth, it reminds me that I have to cherish you, or it will hurt like hell.

Coffee: …

Me: I guess relationships are like that in general, what’s the allegory here for the burning? Like fights? Do we fight in my mouth every morning?

Coffee: … *drip*

Me: Yes, Yes I’m being silly and filthy-minded. That’s my jam. But maybe the fights or the difficult times help us appreciate the better times?

Coffee: …

Me: God, you’re so wise… and hot.

Coffee: ….

Coffee Level: 10/12

I had extra strong coffee with a shot of espresso. I think i can squat thrust a fighter jet full of wolves. I just invented a new form of math, proved that it can’t exist and then turned it into a color nobody has seen before.

I can feel the emotions of trees and teach them to love lumberjacks. I am currently levitating about 3 inches off of my chair and typing with the wind-force of my eyelids.

I am coffee reborn. All is hot and brown. The fabric of reality is my hand puppet and I am currently moving at Warp 10 (which is nowhere at all).

‪#‎coffeelife‬ ‪#‎abittoofar‬ ‪#‎caffeinatedasfuck‬