Living with Girls… (why its illegal)
Living with girls is not illegal, but there are several irrefutable reasons it should be. As some of you know my name is Adam and I’m a human male. Ironically I’m named after the first man on earth, so its reasonably deductible that being created first (and in gods image) that for some fraction of time… Man was left unworried and unconcerned by the follies that women present by merely existing.
Now I know I sound like a neo-conservative touting womens inferiority. But rest assured, women are exceptional at many different things and can make babies like no man I’ve ever seen (except Capt’n Gov’n Schwarzenneger in the movie “Junior” which wasn’t very Republican of him). I believe in a reasonable balance between the sexes, men are probably better at fixing a toaster with a butter knife or getting punched in the face, while women can probably color coordinate, multi-task and minimize the pesky nuances of logic into silly hyperbole.
But the unfortunate but blatant truthfulness of todays title rears its ugly Font size 18 head. I made the decision roughly a year ago to let the dreaded female form into my living situation, much like the late Steve Irwin would allow a deadly spitting cobra into his lap, with little concern for danger and a silly accent. At first I had my misgivings, but the undefeated power of my Loins (©) and indefatigable workings of my love-glands swept these concerns to the wayside, and for the most part, I haven’t looked back. However noting womens superiority in almost everything I don’t care to do, they do have their downsides:
1. Clothing (there’s a lot)
I’m not sure if you know this, but women are allergic to nudity. Its one of the reasons we so rarely get to the see the nude and female form up close and personal (or its your breath). So they inherently know that they are at their most vulnerable when they are not swathed in clothing of all shapes and sizes. The subconcious compensation for this is to spend the better percentage of a lifetime from POM (Point of Money, or when girls become Women) buying cubic meter upon cubic meter of clothing and clothing related objects.
Some women, and in particular the specimen I have the joy of observing daily, can obtain up to 300 times their body weight — Which is completely and strangely indeterminate, I’m told — in clothing materials alone. There is also a strange phenomenom with shoes, and some foot-fear of wearing the same footwear more than 2-3 times ever. Needless to say the realization that you have enough clothes to outfit an arctic mining camp for several seasons is a daunting prospect.
2. Bodily Functions (not those)
Women are like rare and beautiful flowers, like a specific genus hitherto unknown in the scientific world. A flower that shoots blood, tears, and jewelry in every direction at random and unorganized times. So I guess they’re more like a biological weapon with fashionable shoes. They have the odd quality of pretending that certain other biological functions do not exist. Rather than get rude or overtly descriptive, suffice to say that women claim against all evidence that they do not process waste. However they will bleed profusely and describe it in all manner of filthy terms as well as their emotional state, which is self-described as “Fine… just Fine”.
3. Discussion (we have to talk)
As mentioned before, the focus of this endeavor is to hand-deliver the experience of living with one of those we call “Chicks”. This cannot be truly explained without experiencing it for yourself, much like a forced lobotomy. It truly defies description. One of the common elements while waking up, working, coming home, begging for sex, fighting your way through acres of clothes, and so on, is the feared topic of discussion. While you or I, the average Joe (or Janet) might discern, a discussion is merely an exchange of ideas leading to a desired outcome or compromise.
This is not neccesarily true for the femalica domicilius (or housed female) for when they come into contact with the opposite gender for extended periods of time, an odd effect can be realized. The convention of normal logic and argument become the bonded servant of emotions, whims, delicacies and quantum mechanics. Here’s an example of a conversation that can be observed in a mixed-gender household.
Male: Hi there, how was your day?
Female: Fine. And you?
Male: oh pretty good I got off around 6 and John called.
Female: Why is everything about you!!
Female: You’re constantly bickering with me, you hate me and think I’m fat.
Female: Your feigned ignorance shows me how little you care!
Male: About what?
Female: So you admit it! You want me to die!
Male: I just said my day went fine… and then you… umm
Female: Oh just say it! You hate me and you can’t handle your emotions!
Male: Maybe, I don’t know, I just… sorry?
Female: That won’t cut it! Prostrate yourself before me and allow me to lay my nano-drones in your chest cavity!!
Male: What the?? Honey are you… *grrk*
Female: Bow before me mortal!! I will drain you of your life force and return it to the mothership for analysis.
**Keep in mind the previous conversation is only an example, your experience may vary… It Probably Wont… **