List of Article Names that Always get Dugg

I’m an avid Digg fan, but as time goes on you start to see the same crap over and over again, and it seems that you could just bookmark about 5 websites and probably get everything that shows up on Digg anyway. Let me prove my point. These are examples of articles that always end up getting to the front page of Digg, despite the fact that they are endlessly repetetive and uninformative.

Apple Mac/Macbook/Tablet/iPhone Rumors and Problems CONFIRMED (or DENIED)

Yes of course, all things Apple are like fish flakes for a starving goldfish nation who wishes they knew just what was in Steve Jobs head. No company has security like Apple. Either Steve Jobs makes prototypes himself in the dungeon where he keeps Jonathan Ives, or he simply walks the halls of Cupertino’s home base cradling a shotgun and throwing Non-Disclosure agreements at employees who raise their eyes too far from the floor while he passes.

McCain is Old and Lies! Obama turns Bread and Wine into Fiscal Responsibility!

Goddammit people. Obviously the people all over the internet have the required IQ threshold of “Slightly above a radish” and therefore favor Obama over McCain. I personally favor Obama because he will probably LIVE four more years and McCain looks like the creepy grandparents in Hell from “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey”. But whatever, my mind was made up as soon as we had a candidate who wasn’t old and white. I’m not well-informed, but I don’t care about the manuevering and back-stabbing. If the last 8 years didn’t teach people not to vote for the rich white guy, then they deserve what they get.

XKCD Puts out comics on a semi-regular basis!!

XKCD is a great comic strip that’s totally hilarious most of the time. However each and every single comic churned out of the mind of the creator is not “Gold” or worthy of being front paged above murder and rape and all the other stuff you people get off on. Front paging every tid-bit from any source, defeats the purpose of digg and makes it a generic repository for a certain group of people. Instead of a community driven outlet for people that enjoy DIVERSITY.

Crazy Cat/Dog/Weasel/Baby/Squirrel/Yeti in a funny Picture/Video with a cute caption!?!?!

Digg should never have opened up a “picture” venue, or if they do, then it should just Lightbox up on the screen and save us from people that find clever photos and surround them with banner ads to make a quick buck. Remember when the front page wasn’t a bunch of cute pictures of animals doing stupid shit? Now we’ve effectively reduced our intelligence target to the audience of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” which is the same demographic as “America’s Most Tragic Colonoscopies”. It’s a news site you jackasses, put up something noteworthy.

Top ten lists – blech

Top ten lists are actually fine, they’re usually funny. But a few sites, just simply pick some geek culture topic and churn the best or worst list with minimal effort and rake in the dough. You people are all sheep so of course you click “The top 6 republicans” or the “5 superheroes that suck” Or the “4 cannibals who dress like pansies” or the “11 eco-activists that make up arbitrary lists of shit and copy/paste their descriptions with a witty side comment and get dugg” that last one you might have missed. EVERY FUCKING DAY there’s a top action move, worst romantic movie, top comic book blah blah blah blah. Take the time to make an interesting fucking article and don’t just cobble together the crap that gets ratings to spew it at the masses. And you *points at readers* stop clicking that shit.

Now, I have the distinct fortune of being Digg poison and everything I write inevitably ends up on an old school BBS server in the lower district of Venzuela. But if this DID get Dugg, well for one I would be fucking shocked, and for two, I wouldn’t make any money off it. Not to mention someone would copy me and you’d start seeing clone articles for 2 years, until someone re-diggs this original and it’s back up again. Have I predicted the dreary shit-for-brains future? You decide.

– CrotchMail.com