I feel that its necessary that I point out that I am immortal. That’s right, I live in the annals of history with the few people known as ‘those who cannot die’ on a side note, I would like to die. But I can’t.

I have tried, stabbing, shooting, poison, maiming, decaptiation, neurosurgery, and several hundred other things. I have a gigantic warehouse filled with implements of death and destruction in the hopes that one of them will shuffle me off this ever-present mortal coil.

Every single time someone walks up behind me, I find myself begging that it will be the icy hand of the reaper come to take me to my long overdue and undoubtedly shameful end. I finish every single day with a ferverent prayer to one of several deities to take my life and my wretched soul off this plane of existence, I occaisionally threaten and cajole these gods as well, especially Ba’al the voodoo god of death, but to no avail.

In a recent letter sent by Sid Shrenton from Calibory, Ohio he asked “Dear Tex, Have you tried starvation?” Let me give you just a tiny miniscule shred of the disappointment that is my ever-living existence by saying… I HAVE NOT EATEN in 25 years! On the off chance that a pure lack of fuel can cause the unstoppable motor that is my heart I have forgone food for some time now, and am unfortunately alive… But thank you.

I have shot up with chlorox, windex, ajax, broken glass and just about anything I could fit in a syringe or my jugular. I have leaped from mighty cliffs and buildings face first into unyielding concrete, and while the pain associated with these actions is still in full effect, I still am alive.

I have driven cars at over 200 miles per hour into walls, I worked a cab in New Jersey, I ate bugs, spiders, scorpions. I have punched deadly snakes in the face. All in an attempt to kill myself. I have actually sunk myself to the bottom of the ocean and I am planning a trip next year into the sun itself. While so far, every one of my millions of attempt at a blissful and deserved end to this eternal suffering that is my life, has failed. I remain optimistic that some form of torture and punishment will finally eradicate the fiery candle that is my damned soul.

I have learned the meaning of life several times over and determined that it is simply not worth living. I have found Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, Mohammed and Satan himself and begged each of them to give me the dirt nap I so desperately need, yet still our lord above continues to give me the heavenly equivalent of the finger, while I stroll around making a mockery of nature, and the cycle of life itself.

So I turn to you dear viewer, I beg of you and your sense of moral self and decency, to please come on down here and KILL ME, use whatever means you find necessary, riddle my hide with bullets while your friends use flamethrowers, do whatever it takes, but please… Take my life… Do it for Tex.

Tex – The Texan who Wants to Die

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