Eloquent Road Rage

So now that I’ve joined the ranks of the low down and filthy commuter, I’m on the freeway for about 2-3 hours every day. And when I’m not listening to The Woody Show – I see a lot of the same mistakes, the same bad habits, day in and day out. I of course, want them all to die, by anal electrocution. But short of that, I thought I’d make a list of the most common and infuriating habits of the fucktards that call themselves drivers.

1. Blinkers, they do stuff

Yeah yeah, you’ve all heard and seen the idiot who doesn’t use his blinkers, hell you probably don’t use yours sometimes. But there’s a difference between the occasional lazy lane change, or turn, and the full-blown, I’m going to dance up and down this clown circus that is rush hour without EVER signaling, ever. The culprit yesterday was a jackass with a shaved head, with 2 German shepherds in the backseat, driving a late 80’s Honda accord. He changed lanes a total of 28 times, sometimes sweeping across 2-3 lanes of traffic, during very fast and busy traffic, never signaled. Ironically, I stayed in one lane the entire time, and he never got more than 50 feet from me, so all those lane changes yielded him exactly nothing. I eventually started flashing my high-beams at him every single time he did it, and eventually the cretin began slowly to actually (drum roll) … SIGNAL WHILE CHANGING LANES. High beams, the cattle-prod of the freeway fuckup.

(on the downside I probably saved his worthless lackadaisical life so he can go beat his wife instead of bleed out in ICU like he deserves)

(on the upside, I probably saved his dogs life, although they’re probably rabid)

2. The Anal Probe (Tailgaters)

This probably comes down to the reason for every single one of these fucked up mistakes. But I get the feeling that 1 out of 4 drivers, thinks they have a ‘system’ or a way to ‘beat the odds’ when it comes to driving in heavy traffic. Much like the wastes of breathable air, that blows countless amounts of money on gambling, thinking they’ve almost got it down. You can’t beat the house, you are stuck in traffic. Unless your overpriced piece of shit lexus has a fucking scramjet or hover capabilities or is able to shed it’s frame to become some sort of yuppie-powered batcycle, you’re going to gain 2-3 minutes off your commute, if ANYTHING. So please, remove yourself from my ass. I’m not moving and I purposefully slow down when you get too close.

(Hey guy in a green Lexus on 101 North at about 6:30pm – Fuck you, i tapped my brakes like 30 times on purpose to piss you off, and when you tried to pass me, I didn’t let you, and when you finally did break out of my evil mobile lane prison, I gave you the finger and then I described you on the internet, faggot)

3. To Carpool or not to Carpool

This just falls under the category of mildly retarded. Like a higher-functioning autistic child, you’ve grown up and learned to drive a car, you even have some friends. Hey they’re in the car with you, how nice. It appears that you’re carpooling. Then riddle me this, answer-jockey. Why the FUCK aren’t you in the fucking CARPOOL Lane??? You know the one that’s reserved for you, the one that’s empty for 20 miles in either direction, that you can easily pass up the millions of pissed off solo motorists with. Instead you slow down in the ‘regular’ lanes for miles and miles, when you have a fucking block party in your car that could justify the carpool lane 6 times over. Pay attention douchebag(s).

(this isn’t just one occurence, I sit at a dead stop, staring a car FULL of people who are 2 inches from a completely empty carpool lane, and they’re just all Lah-dee-dah and shit)

4. Motorcycle / Ego Transporter

Bikers… Great. The motorcycle drivers on the freeway feel like that guy at a party who showed up even though he’s two or three times removed from anyone there, and he has crippling social anxiety but wants to make up for it by getting in your personal bubble and talking about his Mint condition D&D manuals. They move in jerky unpredictable ways and get uncomfortably close to you. Plus the attitude seems to be one of “Woo I’m a fucking cowboy” for about half of them. Which is great if you weren’t a 20-something dickhead who bought a bike to show off to his loser friends and impress his girlfriend who’s cheating on him with David the corner grocer, becaues he “listens”.   The other day, 3 bikers came onto the freeway about about 110 miles per hour, no joke, and the third one was lagging behind at about 90mph, he cuts across 4 lanes of freeway without looking back and heads STRAIGHT towards the side of my car. I was forced onto the shoulder of the road at 70 miles an hour to avoid killing him outright (with my powerful buick bike-eraser). The asshole peels out and gives me the finger. The FINGER… How much more can you beg for death? Now dozens of bikers will die horrible deaths because the next time one heads toward my car, I’m going to let them bounce off of it, leaving a small dent. Then I’ll come back the next day to see the 120 foot blood/brain streak that you left behind before you were scraped off the road like a sad dead possum. a sad dead, cocksucking possum.

5. Slow and Steady in the Fast Lane

Now I want to get home quick too. So I usually slide toward the left hand lanes, they’re the fast ones. The way I’ve always understood it to be, is the left lanes are the fast ones and the right are the slow ones. Then why god, oh why, is this guy locked at 50 mph in the far left lane. Its like they don’t want to admit that they’re slower drivers. Maybe their speedometer is messed up and they think they’re doing 90 and they’re staring in slack-jawed wonder at the people flying by them at what must be speeds in excess of 200 miles per hour. Perhaps they’re sleeping. Maybe they’re dead and their cruise control is stuck. Maybe when they shift their car into fourth gear a nest of squirrels that lives in the console becomes infuriated and leaps from the AC vents to wreak disease-ridden justice. Maybe they just had a fight with their girlfriend, who’s been sleeping with this guy david who everyone seems to like. Maybe its an intricate dare from their fraternity and when they arrive at their destination they have to eat a live snake. I don’t care. I don’t fucking care. If your’e going slower than the rest of traffic, MOVE OVER. If you’re in the far right lane, and you’re still going slower than everyone, PULL OVER, then check your pacemaker and then call a cab to take you to a place where they mistreat old people, because you deserve it. Move the fuck over, you 20 miles below the status quo asshats.

Tune in again soon, for More Driving Mishaps…

Oh and stop looking for shit on the floor of your car, it can goddamned wait till you stop.