Let me sum up here, The crew of GamerNode.com and myself are currently in Los Angeles. By hook or by crook a staff of roughly 12 writers, managers, photographers, and canadians managed to get here by plane, and carpool on a budget of none to cover E3. It’s been a long, hard road, a glorius week, a bonding experience and sort of like that itch under your balls that’s too far back to scratch so you just wobble in your seat and the girl next to you stares and thinks you have herpes.
We arrived last Monday, (some were here earlier,) And planned and fucked around and ate pizza. The Show itself was a blast, an absolute maelstrom of video games, screens, booth babes, free shit, interviews and walking around in constant circles. Speaking of which I’m convinced the LA convention center was invented by a co-op between the Rubix Cube inventor, Lucifer the prince of Darkness and M.C. Escher, apparently you can actually walk in a perfect square and end up in Minnesota, but if you turn around and re-trace your steps you’ll actually be in the center, then the roof almost simultaneously, needless to say this building is harder to navigate than Bermuda.
Not only was it hard to find your way around, but I for one am fucking sore, there was so much standing, waiting, walking, standing, waiting, that it felt like you’d played 83 rounds of DDR on Extreme Japan Fag mode while wearing bricks with thumbtacks in them. But I’m off topic, the wet dream of every kid who’s ever known the contra code, who’s ever actually beat ikari warriors, who’s ever made the ROB Nintendo Robot look like he’s jerking off a plaster bust of Jesus (but I digress), is E3.
E3 stands for the Electronic Entertainment Expo, or possibly the Expounding Entropied Emu’s. There’s really no way to make that funny. What is funny is that it’s just about the worlds biggest video gaming convention (and there’s no way to make that sound sexy) and it’s sexy. We saw stars like Steven Spielberg, Paris hilton (cum stains and all), Adam Sandler, Hideo Kojima, and that Japanese guy who screams and throws ice cream on the hit show “Japanese people are seriously fucking disturbed”. We got to see promo’s of upcoming games, consoles, hardware, peripherals of all shapes, sizes, quantity and quality.
Some of my favorite items were the SplitFish Pig-fucker (working title) which is a way to make using console controllers for First person shooters seem like a good idea by sheer shit comparison. (it’s basically a split controller with laser sighting and 2 ps2 joysticks.) The Fanatec steering wheel controller which wobbled and made a makeshift steering wheel, the Emagine head tracking VR helmet, so you can make people on airplanes think you have epilepsy AND no social life. And other such sex-preventing toys.
Software wise, there was the very impressive Crysis by EA, the disappointing Battlefield 20,420,200,03.03. Disgaea 2 for strategy goodness, god of war two, where a muscled man in a loin cloth jumping around like a gibbon and wrestling mythical creatures, ISN’T gay. The PS3 demos were right in the middle, some awesome, some crap. Squaresoft has actually done me a favor, by confirming that it’s just not my imagination that they’ve recently hired a bunch of chocobo worshipping, tight lipped, lily padded cocksuckers. Half the crew knew nothing about the games, and the other half made it their life’s mission to keep you from taking pictures or accidentally learning something about their solid gold game franchise spin-offs.
Nvidia’s booth was cool, Sin episodes was cool, The booth babes were not up to their wonderful slut antics but there were at least 3 or 4 buxom beauties that you’d stab your grandmother in the face with a running hedgetrimmer to get a chance to get your greasy gamer hands on. The swag was cool for us, but sadly lacking from previous years by all reports… (Sony I’m looking at you… You Yo-Yo dishing shit cannons) lots of little trinkets, t-shirts, knick-knacks, but no flame throwers or Xbox branded dildo’s.
The week has drawn to a close, E3 has drawn to a close, we’re all leaving tomorrow AM, to our various places around the country, including a few of us to the Godless neighbors above Canada (cough… Ian) Who know what i’m talking Aboot. This has truly been a bonding experience for all of us. The GamerNode crew as a whole has a renewed sense of purpose, a reinvigorating kick in the nuts of comraderie, and a newfound respect for all their peers in all their aspects of making this company great on sheer willpower. I think everyone one of us will look back with great memories and a profound respect for everyone who took the time and money to make it down here. Except Ian, he’s from Canada.
So with no further ado, I salute you GamerNode (check out the new site at www.gamernode.com ) and it’s many members even the ones who couldn’t make it this week. And for all of you who read this, and gamernodes site. It was a total blast and we’ll all be here with bells on for the next E3 without a doubt. So that’s some Steve Harcum in your eye.
Posted by Adam on Monday,
May 01, 2006 at 3:17 PM