DOA the Movie
Some of you may be familiar with the Dead or Alive fighting game series, whose intense focus on epically busty women beating the shit out of each other in a myriad of creative fighting styles has of course made it huge worldwide (especially in Japan where they can pretend the red-headed Triple-D Ninja is 14). All of this is great. No really, I love titties and fighting games, it’s a match made in heaven.
But then I find out that they’re making a movie. WAIT! Before you gag violently and start loading the guns, it’s NOT Uwe Boll. (He’s probably buying the movie rights to Bubble Bobble casting Keanu reeves as the Cannon) But it’s not much better than that. The Director “Japenese randomfucker” has decided this is what he wants his 98 minute film career to be remembered by. That and maybe peeing in the mouth of a congress-woman. But you gotta have goals.
I’ve seen the trailer, and basically the best comparison you can make it Charlie’s angel’s with less talent, more fighting, a lower budget and slightly more breasts. I can’t imagine wanting to pay money for this travesty without the absolute guarantee that one of the C grade actors (with the Exception of Jamie Pressley who must have thought her role in “My name is Earl” was too classy and needed a downgrade,) would blow me while doing a backflip. As this is about as likely as this movie being even ‘decent’ we won’t hold our breath too long.
From what I gather the plot is somewhere along the lines of “In a strange place, on a beautiful island made of ninjas and volleyball courts, these glorified Tit-Pedastals will attempt to act and maybe even fight with a number of faceless and uninteresting charactors sharing the names of your favorite players from the game.” (Which by the way has no spoken plot beyond FIGHT and YOU WIN/LOSE and “I WILL DEFEAT YOU” ad infinitum) They will probably even be in bikinis and their underwear!
While this whole concept is silly I’ll tell you what I see missing from this project – other than the obvious – BIGGER titties, they should just go balls-out with HUGE tit models attempt to kick each other while rubbing their erect nipples with flavored lubricant and moaning names in japanese. Or just 2 hours of naked porn stars playing volleyball and going Hiiii-ya! That would drop it squarely in the generic porn bin, where there’s at least a CHANCE I would be inclined to purchase it from. Instead of that bin in the back of Blockbuster where they sell overstock of Navy Seals, and All dogs go to heaven #4.
Needless to say, there will be titties and fighting and probably not a decent amount of either one in any quality. So if you’re 10-15 years old or Asian in any way, get your DOA jiggle fest on, in the theatres soon. The bounce is back, indeed.
Posted by Adam on Monday,
May 01, 2006 at 3:17 PM