I’m a fan of coffee, we all know this. What you don’t know is that I have imbibed the “Brown Juice of Justice” as i call it in order to transcend all mortal boundaries and feel my way clumsily through the NeverVerse (patent pending) to a rapid, pants-pissingly accelerated enlightenment. Sure, we could hypothesize all day that maybe I’m just sensitive to caffeine. OR MAYBE I AM CHOSEN BY THE GODS BENEATH TO BREATHE PRISMATIC ESPRESSO FIRE AT YOUR SOULS. It really could be either one.

All I know is that above a certain coffee-based speed, time slows down, and beyond the beyond, lies the reverse. When the sum of all observable matter collapses around you in a flash and matter is pulled inward to an inevitable beginning; There lies the dormant cells of the universe that came before in a reality based on what some would call “Spooky stuff” or “The world of Dragons” Dragons are bitching, they should have a whole universe of lizard people that breathe fire. But they pay taxes and drive silly cars and go to plays about wingless pink skinned worm people who punch the sun.

I’m fairly certain that I can peel back the film of reality like the screen cover on your phone and find out that in fact, yes, we can scratch at our perceptions beneath (and this reality is filthy). Leaving rifts in time and space that pour out dirty jokes and pop music from the veil of souls. I’m off topic though. What I wanted to say is that I got a new coffeemaker and that shit is fire. Love you all, you’re nothing but atoms. Peace.

COFFEE: As I drank a cappuccino too quickly today I felt my mind fly ever-deeper into the void. Past the microscopic, the sub-atomic, the quantum-theoretical. Beyond infinitive where non-euclidean geometry forms. Where brain weasels reign supreme from thrones made of frosted glass and old homework from the 5th grade that nobody ever bothered to read. Where Tamagotchi go when they die again.

Hence all decisions and a total lack thereof became one and the same and everything I could and would accomplish in the span of a relative time stream became the ultimate and complete lack of any relevant product or result. Meaning that by doing nothing I was doing everything.

As I sat and pondered this I thought of a snippet of poetry, a clever version of chess, a passive aggressive greeting that will really show that guy by the water cooler he’s not amusing, a hilarious and offensive innuendo that ended up being a triple entendre, and what an inside-out origami monster would look like. After the quick glance at the clock I realized that 0.0005 seconds had passed, the cup is still in my hands, the coffee on it’s way to my mouth, the liquid sloshing inevitably toward my psyche.

I am the light fantastic. I am the technicolor dreamcoat. I am the jester of the kingdom at the end of the universe and I smell like cinnamon forever from this day forth. I have decided. My will be done. It is so.#TooMuchCaffeine


yeah, I think it can die


So can we all


I’m pretty sure we will


I plan on not

I’m hoping the singularity will come before I die

I need to upload my consciousness Rei, the world needs me


hey that’s my goal too

but also only if my actual conciousness can be uploaded, not just a clone of it. I want it to actually be me. Not a copy and the original me dies

so they need to work that out first


I think that’s semantic

the only difference there is that you Get killed vs die naturally


yes and no

like, I want THIS ME to continue

*I* want to continue


Yeah but if it’s a perfect copy?


that’s nice for the copy but this is about selfish survival instinct

a copy is basically progeny

I want literal immortality – not immortality through offspring


Let’s put it this way, if you had 1 year to live and you could copy yourself now but you would transfer to the net, your body would collapse and die. Vs You can copy yourself and your body can keep going for another year ?


No that’s the thing i don’t care about my body

if I could upload my mind right now

I would do it but I want it to be the *me* that I am

not a copy of me with my memories

not a duplicate


A perfect copy wouldn’t be progeny, that would just be a copy. You’re not creating ‘something’ with your traits you’re copying ALL your traits, progeny by nature is not a perfect copy


do you get what I mean?

I want THIS self to survive


you know in The Sixth Day


I think a perfect copy would read to you as ‘this’ self

you’re arnold shwarzenegger? Or Johnny cab?


and the clone THINKS he is the original, he has all the same thoughts and memories and impulses


Well yeah, but that assumes that the clone is kept ignorant of his origin. Which honestly could be fine


but he is NOT the original

this isn’t about the clone

this is about the original

as the original


What if they arranged it so they erased your memory for a week (for example) so you think you just had a car accident and woke back up in a body that doesn’t age


I want MY consciousness to continue

like, i am fine with being seperated from my meat sack

as long as it is a continuation of my own conciousness, not a copy that thinks it is


Put another way, I think a ‘perfect’ copy of your conciousness bothers you because you just want to be unique and one of a kind, but I think there’s MORE immortality in having like 12 Rei’s

Personally I would have a Rei-Bot

with some general tweaks to our sex life


I don’t want to be one of the Hugh Jackmans from the Prestige


that reminds me I need to watch prestige again


I have no attachment to this host

but I want to continue as myself, not to stop existing and have a different version of myself start

I am tied to the me


But literally you could NOT know

we could arrange it so you’re not aware of being a copy


no that’s the point

it wouldn’t be ME that wasn’t aware of being a copy

it would be a copy that wouldn’t be aware of being a copy


Here at fictional cloning singularity enterprises, we get this question a lot. We have a money back guarantee that if at any point you experience an existential crisis you will be refunded in total and given a free tote bag


it’s well handled in that episode of Black Mirror


It’s a really nice tote bag


there’s never any question that it’s them


Like leather with an embossed logo, it’s not cheap


can I get the tote bag anyway


I mean… with a trial maybe? Like we clone you up to age 15 and you can hang out with teenage Rei for a while…


I want black mirror style consciousness upload or nothing


Listen ma’am i know what you’ve seen on the holovids seems very real but I assure you it’s total flights of fancy.

the act of cloning is indeed dirty and messy and imperfect, however we have this amazing tote bag

it’s not any additional cost and can easily hold a weekends worth of clothes


give me the tote bag and gtfo


I’ve actually decided that I love this tote bag, and I will likely quit my job today, even thought that means giving up my immortality, as this tote bag has inspired me to be a bolder and more courageous person

Well I was chatting with my good buddy – Joe “The Giraffe” Krol, and got to talking about our mutual love of the one and only Bill Paxton. Often considered the finest actor who ever lived on the planet. Here is my list of Completely (Un)True Facts about “The Bard” Bill Paxton (RIP)

In 1948 Bill Paxton was declared the new “Rosetta Stone” and is the conduit for which all language now travels

Bill Paxton once lifted the earth to see if there was anything underneath and found a rare Nickel with an upside down face on it.

One time during an interview a reporter asked Bill Paxton to tell him “Everything he knew” and subsequently his head immediately exploded. Bill to his credit, was only trying to accomadate the reporter and was later aquitted of all 2nd degree murder charges

It’s said in the inner circles of acting, to imitate Bill Paxton is the ultimate “Method” and such greats as Robert Dinero, Marlon Brando and Bill Paxton himself all credit Bill Paxton as their greatest inspiration

Fun Fact: Bill Paxton actually played the metallic suit worn by Robert Downey Jr. in “Iron Man 1 & 2” Part 3’s suit was played by Amy Adams and a modified ice cooler.

Once on the set of Blue Lagoon, which Bill Paxton did not appear in, a Key Grip asked Bill Paxton for some advice on how to teach his kids to read. Bill Paxton proceeded to quote the entire bible from cover to cover and the Key Grips children learned to read that very night. Their names were changed to “Bill” and “Paxton” respectively out of admiration.

During a high stakes poker game, Bill Paxton bet the “Future of Human Race” and won with a straight flush, forcing the Devil ever deeper into hell.

There’s a rumor going around that Bill Paxton will play every role in a new version of Lord of the Rings that takes place in New Jersey and has twice the budget of the original Jackson version.

it’s a little known fact that Bill Pullman is actually a failed Bill Paxton cloning experiment perpetrated by the North Korean shadow government. Pullman believes himself to be Paxton under cover. They have never worked together due to Pullman’s fear of the truth.

Fun fact!! Bill Paxton is a actually a full functioning automaton created by Leonardo DaVinci in an underground layer in Atlantis. The sole purpose of the “B il Pax tune” or the “second end of peace then” was to be a shell for a philosophers stone in which lead was turned to gold to destabilize the world’s precious metal market.