Ever Seen a Pop-Up Ad? How about a Pop-Over Ad? How about a million ads on ONE page?


This is among the more annoying Ad delivering methods available to the giant marketing machines that rule our lives and subliminally inject product jargon into our brain. For those of you that aren’t familiar, it’s a “Double Line” link, some bullshit thought up by Microsoft and Satan a few years ago allowed keywords on a site to trigger small popups that better explain the term being used, then used to cross-reference, now it tells me that when the word Wii is shown on a page that obviously I would like to hover over it allow it to obscure what I”m reading, then play a fucking VIDEO of a wii commercial. Because, obviously, the reason I went to read an article on something totally unrelated was to stop reading and watch a postage stamp sized fucking TV ad for the Wii.

It wouldn’t be so bad except you literally cannot pass your mouse over these shit-mines that are sprayed across ad-revenue whore pages that you wouldn’t click if it promised that obscure “third paris hilton” video you’ve only read about in forums (where she does anal). While trying to read an article you literally have to move your cursor through a complicated MAZE to avoid giant ad-spewing popups that are triggered by WORDS.

Well a few years ago this wouldn’t been possible but the future is now and there’s only more future to come, so here’s a list of techniques that will likely be used by advertisers in the future of your horrible lifetime.

The Tactile Pop-UP –


With the advent of the iPhone and pioneering techniques in touch interfaces, its only a short step to assume that computers will soon touch back. To provide physical response to your choices on your computer. I won’t go into all the great things this could provide in the world of porn… But marketing gurus will be quick to jump on the bandwagon and before you know it you’ll be surfing the web looking for pictures of britney spears great grand children (and she’ll be only 34) and a Tactile popup will punch you in the face and leave an bruising imprint of your favorite product, which ironically will be a “Bruise Removal Creme” by Dove.

The Simul-Cast-Vision


In the post-future that’s soon to come and never leave, the term simulcast will mean more than the bland broadcasting term it is today. Simul-Ads will provide you with the ‘benefit’ of being bombarded with advertisements in every available medium simultaneously. So for the privelege of signing onto AOL v.18 you will receive targeted ads to your cell, tv, mailbox, computer, along with the great scent of Tide (Since AOL/TimeWarner/Mcdonalds/Tide/Nike Merger – 2018) You too can have easy-to-clean edible internet-enabled-sports shoes, which you really want. We swear.

Big Tony – The Ad Bouncer

Marketing companies can get you to divulge everything you’ve ever done since the age of 5 simply by waving a current gen iPod or a Playstation 3 in front of you. No, actually by waving the POSSIBILITY of a free device in front of you, you’ll put in your name and address, shoe size, sexual partner list, credit card and more. It won’t be long before the supposed or psuedo-promised benefits outweigh all common sense and you sign up to have a “Big Tony” BT is a very large man who is constantly connected to the WWAN (World-Wide-Ad-Network) and in exchange for a shiny new coffeemaker/ipod/car/lizard You will sign a binding contract that allows Big Tony to make you watch ads every 38 minutes by use of absolute force if neccesary. Tony doesn’t take any guff and he’ll make sure that you see the Ad, EVERY TIME.

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